
From the Desk of Lord Gavin Yum, Esq.
Posted on 07/16/23 at 12:00pm by Coral Avalon
Event: ReVival 32
Coral Avalon
Lord Gavin Yum, Esq.
The Lunch Lawyer
WE ARE NO LONGER FRIENDS WITH CECILWORTH FARTHINGTON
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Lord Gavin Yum, Esq. expresses great sorrow in announcing that, as of June 30th, 2023, his friendship with Cecilworth Farthington – truly a friendship for the ages that has been spoken about across our many years as fellow lordly professional wrestlers – has ended. “Lord Farthington has caused undue stress for myself and close friends of mine, and it has reached a point where I may no longer ignore it. He has also consistently failed to realize that I am not a copyright lawyer.”
Condolences and funny cakes may be delivered at the following Seattle address at the earliest convenience: [REDACTED]
Thank you for your understanding in these trying times.
Contact: lunchlegal@lordgavinyumesq.com
Lord Gavin Yum, Esq. of the Crownless Kingdom
*.*
This was meant to be a simple morning jog.
It was supposed to be a jolly old day where my mate, one Mr. Coral Avalon, and I would jog around his neighborhood. As our shared vocation required a certain degree of elite athleticism, it was quite imperative that even in times of rest, we should move.
Oh, but where were my manners?
Salutations, friends of PRIME! I am known as Lord Gavin Yum! Please, I insist, call me Gavin.
Technically speaking, I cannot claim to work for you despite my myriad of appearances with your company, and my curious relationship with the matriarch that runs it. My lifelong friendship with Avy – okay, so we were more like work acquaintances than friends prior this year – has assured me a certain degree of association with your company.
Charmed, I’m sure!
Where was I?
Oh, right. The jog.
To be honest, Avy hadn’t exactly had the best go of it in the past month. Physically, he was knackered. Mentally, he might have been worse, though I cannot claim to be able to speak to his mental state. Avy was a lot of things, but he was not made of stone. Far from it, in fact! No, I imagine based on his reaction to the events in San Diego that he would have rather I left him alone.
But how could I? I was trusted with his preparations for Cecilworth. I was the man he hoped would help solve the puzzle that was my old friend. Together, we worked out how to counter that Tarp choke of Cecilworth’s. And yet, the counter had failed. I had failed him. I had failed the Kingdom that I held so dear.
How could I possibly leave him alone after that blunder?
Anyway, it was a damp summer morning. The humidity was high with a light mist in the air and a spot of overcast. If you’re wondering, I happened to be in the neighborhood because of minor Kingdom business, and agreed to accompany my friend for his jog. The two of us were linked by fate! Well, that and a few inconvenient bookings outside of our home promotions. One of which made me question whether I should continue eating bacon, I fear.
Halfway into the jog, Avy slowed. His breathing became labored, and his gait became more like a stagger. Naturally, I felt the need to stop and make sure that my friend was fine.
“Sorry,” Avy said, trying to catch his breath, “Ribs’re acting up.”
Quite frankly, this whole jogging business might have been a tough ask for him to persevere through so soon after San Diego.
“My dear friend,” I said, “Have you considered taking a break?”
My friend let out a short, pained chortle, dismissing the question out of hand, “What, getting tired? Maybe the hat’s heating your brain.”
Oh, he wounds me! After I checked to make sure my hat remained firmly on my head, I reminded Avy, “I’ll have you know that this is the pinnacle of high fashion!”
“Uh-huh,” Avy said, standing upright and running his palm over his face. “I’m fine, Gavin.”
“Yet you do not look it, my friend,” I said to him, “Paler than usual, definitely not out-jogging me like usual… No, I’m asking if you need a break from wrestling.”
“Hey.”
“I understand, you know,” I continued unabated, “What happened in San Diego was very disappointing for both of us, but you have more than yourself to take care of.”
“Gavin.”
I was on too good a roll to let my friend interrupt me, “And not many could do what you did last month and walk away as intact as you are now. Not a lot of people could say that they sold out an entire baseball stadium, either. You did. You did the best that you co—“
“Gavin.”
I stopped. I recognized that tone of voice. I knew that if I continued speaking, Avy might have declined to have lunch with me and that simply would not do. So, with my stomach knowing the consequences, I shut my mouth.
“Everyone always tells me that I did the best I could whenever I fail,” Avy said, sighing. He sat down on the curb, unheeding of whether this was a good idea or not considering that there was a non-zero chance he would be sitting in feces if he did, “And I’m tired of it. Sick to death of it. I’m always called one of the best wrestlers in the world, but it’s all empty if I don’t win when it matters most. The best I can do is never enough.”
He threw his hands up and looked around the street for a few moments.
“But I’m not going to stop wrestling. That’s ridiculous. Stop being ridiculous,” Avy said, before he looked up at the overcast sky, “It’s… Maybe Joe was right to do what he did. Maybe I’m too much of a failure to be anyone’s mentor.”
Oh, dear. He was inviting me to a pity party, wasn’t he? I feared I was going to have to take a rain check, the food’s never good at one of those.
“He wasn’t.” I immediately assured him, “Not even close. A traitor should get what’s coming to him. Why, I had half a mind to give him the business had our paths crossed in San Diego!”
I smiled my usual reassuring smile, though Avy grimaced at the sight of it. Why? It was a genuine smile, wasn’t it?
“It wouldn’t have been worth it.” Avy said after a while, “You know why.”
Ah.
A common question that I’ve often received as the Lunch Lawyer was what kind of law I practiced. A fair question. Well, one of the areas I did exceptionally well in was wrestling law.
I could not give Joe Fontaine “the business”, as it were, because it would not be legal even under wrestling law. If I were to bludgeon him with a waffle iron, break him in half with a bow-and-arrow hold, and then do a funny dance over the sack of shattered bones that remained… why, they would have zero problem arresting me for assault! After all, I would have been in a PRIME arena, attacking a PRIME roster member, while not actually a member of PRIME! It’d be like if a mere fan wandered backstage and began a vicious waffle iron assault, no?
So, yes, straight to jail with me. Do not pass Go.
Now, if I were a vaunted member of the PRIME roster? Why, think of all the things I would be allowed to perform on my fellow roster members! The world would be my oyster, preferably with mignonette! Alas, Miss Troy was as likely to grant me the carte blanche that PRIME’s roster enjoyed as I would be to learn copyright law.
A shame. We could’ve done lunch.
“Be that as it may, Avy,” I continued, “The only thing you can do is keep moving forward, innit? It’s the same with me. No use crying over yesterday.”
“I’m not crying,” Avy said, waving me off dismissively, “I’m…”
He stopped himself, hesitating. He took his time before he spoke again, “Gavin, I appreciate that you’re trying to help. But I’ll be fine. I’m unfortunately accustomed to setbacks, especially lat—“
I watched as he stopped talking all of a sudden. He curled his fist and set it against his mouth, deep in thought. He only looked up at me when he came to a conclusion.
“Huh. Well, maybe I do know how to solve one of my setbacks. If you’re willing.”
“I beg your pardon?”
He told me what was on his mind. And, well… I flipped my proverbial lid!
*.*
“This is absurd,” Franco Marchesi said, “You know that, right, Avy?”
As old rivals went, this tall Italian stud had an unusual amount of scorn in his voice whenever he started talking about me. For the life of me, I couldn’t explain why. You’d think that it’d been just yesterday since I smashed him in the groin with a cricket bat and then superkicked him, and not seven years ago!
Wait, was that the first time I did that to him in Liverpool, or the fourth time in Berlin? I could never keep these things straight. I should really keep a journal of these sorts of things, shouldn’t I? Either way, I find that he shouldn’t hold such a grudge against me any more than he should hold a grudge against a typhoon. Some things simply cannot be helped!
Avy and I chose to have our lunch at an establishment that we all knew well – a Denny’s. Well, they did. When Claire Merci took over the Kingdom in Japan, she put a permanent moratorium on ever returning to a Denny’s as one of her first acts. A shame. I rather enjoy the Grand Slams sometimes.
Along the way to Denny’s, we picked up Franco from his apartment. Franco still needed crutches to get around, but he was tearing through his rehab, apparently. I was willing to wager that he wouldn’t need his crutches for much longer, and then I can politely ask if I can use the crutches to use in the Flynn Cup for… um, reasons.
>_>
<_<
Good reasons, I assure you!
“I know, Franco, but… what in my life isn’t absurd? And let’s be honest, he’s good at what he does,” Avy said, his tone of voice sounding far more defeated than it should’ve given the wondrous news, “I need to reopen the school. I need a head trainer, even if he’ll be a temporary one.”
“Yeah, but him?” Franco asked, pointing in my direction.
Oh, yes, hang on.
Let me…
Okay! I’ve got it ready!
*.*
Lord Gavin Yum, Esq.
The Lunch Lawyer
LORD YUM HAS BECOME THE GATES’ ACTING HEAD TRAINER
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
As of today, the acting head trainer of the Gates of Avalon Wrestling School – alma mater of such luminaries as Ignacio el Jaguar and Powerslam Anubis of the Crownless Kingdom – is none other than Lord Gavin Yum, Esq. Once again, your Lunch Lawyer has proven capable of adding yet another hat to his rack. A veritable haberdashery of delights!
This regrettably temporary position was not taken lightly, as Lord Yum must still manage his responsibilities across the Kingdom, which includes wrestling, lawyering, and quality meal times.
Responsibilities of his newfound position include the training of students, the analysis of video footage, handling booking responsibilities for local promotion Wonders of Wrestling in Seattle (WoWS), the preparation for meals, the judgement of the quality of said meals, and the feeding of the cats.
Thank you for your understanding in these complex times.
Contact: lunchlegal@lordgavinyumesq.com
Lord Gavin Yum, Esq. of the Crownless Kingdom
*.*
Perfect!
Avy and Franco both stared at me. They were gawking, really, no doubt bewildered by my sorcery with a tablet and a little bit of ye olde razzmatazz!
“Did you seriously prepare that entire statement just now?” Franco asked.
“Well, yes,” I admitted awkwardly, “I, uh… I had some free time in the car ride over here.”
Franco threw his hands up.
“Jesus Christ, Avy, I can’t with this guy,” Franco said, pointing at me as he did it. How rude! “I know he’s available, but my God, he doesn’t fit with this school.”
Avy, my dear friend, held up his hands in a placating gesture, “Franco, I know. Gavin is a fool, a habitual cheat, and has a terrible sleep schedule.”
Excuse me!
“But trust me, he’ll be fine. He knows his wrestling, maybe even better than he knows his lawyering.”
“That’s a subterranean bar to clear,” Franco sniped so cruelly.
I graduated from Cambridge!
“Maybe, but… we can’t let the school sit idle any longer, Franco,” Avy asked, as he idly flipped a scrumptious chip in his fingers, “And the rehab’s still been tough, right?”
Franco sighed, and contemptuously shoved a handful of chips into a pool of ketchup like a child.
“No shit, Sherlock,” he said, shoving chips into his mouth like some sort of animal that eats delicious thin potato chips, “Hardest thing I’ve done since I first broke in. Appreciate that you’re helping me through it, of course, but… you know my ass was one foot out the door even before my knee exploded, right?”
“Yeah.” Avy admitted. “I’m holding out hope that you’ll come back.”
Franco smiled.
“Wouldn’t be going through this much rehab if I didn’t plan on it,” he said, before he gestured towards me with an accusatory chip pointed in my direction, “Especially since you got this clown taking my place until I get back.”
I felt the need to correct this most grievous error on Mr. Marchesi’s part, “Oh, you are mistaken, sir. I am a lawyer, not a clown.”
“Could’ve fooled me, like a clown would.”
“Surely you jest, sir!”
“No, you’re the one that jests. That’s what jesters do.”
“I beg your pardon, but a jester and a clown are two different things. One belongs in the court of a king,” I said, nodding to Avy as I said this, “And the other belongs in a circus. If anything, the ‘jester’ description would better fit me if I were to identify as such.”
Franco gave me the most terrible expression of disgust. Without a single word, he slowly ate the next chip while staring at me the whole time. I decided to look elsewhere. You know, for reasons! I definitely wasn’t intimidated by a six and a half foot tall Italian man in crutches who could crush my head like a grape even without the use of one of his legs! No, that would be preposterous.
I noticed that Avy was staring at his phone, and his expression had shifted from amusement to concern.
“Something on your mind, Avy?” I asked him.
“Yeah,” Avy said, still staring at his phone, “We’ve got work to do, Gav.”
“Oh?”
He turned his phone around and showed it to the two of us. It was a simple image. A simple, very stunning image of a very beautiful Vietnamese man. Like, oh my days, how was a man so gorgeous?
Ahem.
“Chandler Tsonda. PRIME Hall of Famer. He dusted off the boots a few months ago and made a comeback, and it’s my turn to go against him.” Avy said, pulling the phone back. “So, you know what we have to do, right?”
I smiled, which made Avy wince for some reason. I didn’t understand why.
“Do I ever!”
*.*
Lord Gavin Yum, Esq.
The Lunch Lawyer
CORAL AVALON ADDRESSES A MAN FACING HIM IN A WRESTLING RING
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
It has come to the attention of Mr. Coral Avalon that Mr. Chandler Tsonda – the real one and not his strange doppelganger – is to be his opponent for the 32nd edition of PRIME’s ReVival program. Mr. Avalon has agreed to meet this man in the square circle for the rights to acquire the remaining digits of Mr. Tsonda’s cell phone number, as Mr. Tsonda’s representation has continuously failed to deliver the rest of the number for the past two months.
Naturally, as this meeting will take place in a professional wrestling ring, occupational-mandated fisticuffs will ensue. In accordance with PRIME contracts, Mr. Avalon will not be responsible for the harm that shall befall Mr. Tsonda within the ring. Mr. Avalon would also like to state that he is in a bad mood. Mr. Avalon would further like to clarify that this bad mood doesn’t have anything to do with Mr. Tsonda at all. Mr. Avalon will be apologizing in advance for what his Rhongomyniad might do to Mr. Tsonda’s beautiful face. Mr. Avalon will not be apologizing for any of the other Armaments sure to follow it.
Thank you for your understanding in these quarrelsome times.
Contact: lunchlegal@lordgavinyumesq.com
Lord Gavin Yum, Esq. of the Crownless Kingdom
*.*
“No.”
“No?”
We were at Avy’s wrestling school, and I was showing him the new press release when he suddenly gave it a chilly reception. I didn’t understand why. It seemed perfectly fine? He certainly seemed fine with the previous two press releases.
“No,” Avy repeated, “Don’t release that. God. Let’s take this seriously, because Chandler deserves that much from me. He’s one of PRIME’s most prolific stars. Hall of Famer, second-longest Universal champion, won the Jewel in the Crown… the guy’s almost done everything you can do in PRIME. Even if he’s almost fifty, I’ve learned that age is just a number around here.”
He paused. I sighed and closed my laptop. Back to the workshop with ye, I suppose.
“Though I have to admit that the doppelganger thing is really weird.”
“We have seen weirder,” I pointed out.
Avy opened his mouth to protest, yet no sound came out. He knew I was correct. We had both encountered the dreaded Pirates of Dark Tuber and somehow lived to tell the tale, after all. Also, his other acquaintances were much more questionable than even myself!
“Okay, true,” Avy conceded. “I did run into Jiles, and that was pretty weird. Turns out that guy’s real obsessed with my dome.”
“It is a rather prodigious dome,” I agreed. Avy didn’t seem to take this agreement very well considering the grotesque expression he was giving me. Turns out, when your forehead was as large as my friend’s, the eyebrows can express their disapproval even more than usual!
“I swear, it’s just the way I style my hair,” Avy said bitterly, “Always hated having my bangs in my face, even when my hair was long. It’s not like I spend as much time in front of a mirror as Chandler, since not even Narcissus can compete with hours logged. Honestly, I only cared about being a damn good pro wrestler, and I didn’t even think that much about how I looked until way later.”
Avy looked around his school. In two weeks’ time, we would open the doors again. We would accept new students, and I would be the one he’d trust to look after them. It was a difficult responsibility, especially given all the other hats I wore besides the lovely trilby on my head.
“You know, I’ve got nothing against Chandler, really. We’re cordial enough. But to be honest, I need to beat him. It’s not about getting myself back into contention, either.” Avy said. He leaned against the ring apron, looking weary, “A long time ago, I wanted to reach for the stars here. You know what happened, right? I got fired. Not for anything I did, but because I was merely a wrestler in a sea of charismatic supermodels like Chandler Tsonda, and I was expendable. And after San Diego… I have to prove to myself that I’ve always belonged here. So if that means that I need to take Chandler’s arms for the trophy case, then that’s what I have to do.”
I let the words drift in the air.
Then I asked, “Should I include any of that in the press release?”
“No!” Avy objected, “Don’t send a press release about this match!”
Oh, Avy, that simply will not do!
Before I could raise my own objections, Avy changed the subject, “Anyway, Gav, I can work around your schedule in Japan. But don’t teach the kids how to punch people in the groin, please. If you do, don’t do it while you’re the head trainer here.”
“But that’s the best part of wrestling!” I protested. “What about kicking, though? Or a cricket bat? That’s an old favorite of mine, personally.”
“Gavin.”
Oh dear, it’s that tone of voice again. “Very well, then. I will strive to keep the knob-punching under the table.”
Tee hee.
Avy raised his eyebrow, but I will not be acknowledging how low-brow that statement was at this time.
Honestly, my friend needed all of the help he could get. Whether to take down a legend, or my former friend, or just getting fair legal representation in a wrestler’s court… I’ll be in his corner.
I owed him that much.