HI EVERYONE IT’S ME GREAT SCOTT.
I HOPE YOU ARE HAVING A GREAT DAY BECAUSE I KNOW THAT I AM. TODAY I AM GETTING THE KEY TO THE CITY OF MY GREAT HOMETOWN WHICH IS THE GREATER METRO AREA OF GREAT FALLS MONTANA. THIS IS A MAJOR HONOR FOR ME AND THEY ARE GIVING IT TO ME BECAUSE I SINGLE HANDEDLY ENDED MAFIA CRIME LAST WEEK WHEN I BEAT UP MORTIMER MAFIA AND PROVED THAT GOOD CAN ALWAYS DEFEAT EVIL EVEN IF THE EVIL IS ITALIAN.
ANYWAY THIS WEEK I AM GOING TO FIGHT SHAWN WARSTEIN WHO IS DEFINITELY A BAD GUY AND NEEDS TO LEARN ABOUT THE POWER OF GOODNESS OR EVEN GREATNESS. HE HAS LOST THREE MATCHES AND I HAVE NOT LOST ANY MATCHES WHICH IS ALREADY PROOF OF MY HYPOTHESIS WHICH IS A REAL WORD I AM USING CORRECTLY YOU CAN LOOK IT UP ON GOOGLE.
SHAWN WARSTEIN IS A VERY GOOD WRESTLER WITH MUSCLES SO BIG THAT YOU CAN SEE THEM THROUGH HIS SWEATSHIRT. EITHER HE IS VERY STRONG OR HIS MOM BUYS HIM CLOTHES FROM THE KIDS SECTION EVEN THOUGH HE IS A MAN NOW. IF MY MOM WASN’T DEAD FROM THE MAFIA I WOULD EMPATHIZE WITH HIM AND THAT IS ALSO A REAL WORD YOU CAN LOOK UP ON THE INTERNET. BUT EVEN THOUGH HE HAS BIG MUSCLES AND A VERY SMALL HEAD, THAT DOESN’T MEAN HE CAN BEAT ME BECAUSE I AM GREAT SCOTT AND I AM NOT AFRAID OF ANYONE NO MATTER HOW SMALL THEIR HEAD IS BUT MAN THAT IS ONE SMALL HEAD.
I COULD NOT FIND OUT A LOT ABOUT SHAWN WARSTEIN TO PREPARE FOR OUR MATCH BECAUSE THE PRIMETIME WRESTLING WEBSITE WAS NOT WORKING BUT MY OLD TRAINER MIKE BEST ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT SHAWN WAS JUST HIM NOT AS GOOD SO I JUST LEARNED EVERYTHING I COULD ABOUT MIKE BEST AND DIVIDED IT BY TWO. I DO NOT THINK MIKE WAS RIGHT THOUGH BECAUSE WHILE HE IS A GREAT WRESTLER HIS VEINS DO NOT SHOW THROUGH HIS SWEATSHIRT LIKE SHAWN’S DO SO I THINK MAYBE I SHOULD CHECK THE PRIMETIME WRESTLING WEBSITE AGAIN HOLD ON I WILL BE TALKING MORE TRASH SOON BUT FOR NOW PLEASE ENJOY THIS COOL STORY ABOUT ME GREAT SCOTT GETTING THE KEY TO THE CITY.
The Hall of Greatness
AKA An Under Construction 42 Story Mansion
Somewhere In Las Vegas, Nevada
It’s Real You Just Don’t Know It It Goes To A Different School
~UHN TSS UHN TSS UHN TSS UHN TSS~
The sounds of some pretty dope EDM resonate through forty two stories of still under construction Man Cave, pumping from a very expensive sound system that cost a lot of money and was not cheap. While it isn’t uncommon to visit the Hall of Greatness and not hear the sounds of dope EDM blasting into the rafters, this is special dope EDM. This is celebratory dope EDM.
Today is a GREAT day.
Sitting at his computer, GREAT SCOTT stares at the e-mail on his monitor. In case you were wondering, it is a very cool, very expensive gaming computer with lots of colored lights and an Oculus headset. And a chair that reclines back like all the way. It all cost a lot of money, but when you are GREAT SCOTT, money is just green paper that gets you things.
GREAT SCOTT: I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY GAVE ME THE KEY TO THE CITY THIS IS GREAT.
Well, kind of.
It’s not exactly the key to the city. It’s an e-mail. But it’s a very official looking e-mail, sent directly from firstname.lastname@example.org with the subject line “Key to the City”. Regardless, our hero excitedly clicks the link and opens it up on his very big, very expensive curved monitor.
GREAT SCOTT: I GUESS THEY HAD TO SEND IT TO MY COMPUTER BECAUSE WE ARE LIVING IN UNPRECEDENTED TIMES AND HAVE TO SOCIAL DISTANCE BUT IT IS STILL A GREAT HONOR AND I AM VERY HONORED AND HUMBLED.
He double clicks the singular attachment.
GREAT SCOTT: I HAVE WORKED MY WHOLE LIFE TO BE A GREAT PERSON AND MAKE MY FAMILY PROUD AND MAYBE THE BEST WAY TO MAKE YOUR FAMILY PROUD IS TO SINGLE HANDEDLY END MAFIA CRIMES WHEN THEY WERE MURDERED BY THE MAFIA. I DIDN’T KNOW THE CITY HAD A DOOR BUT IT IS VERY COOL THAT I CAN OPEN IT NOW IF I AM LOCKED OUT.
Instead of a .JPG of a big gold key, in all its pixelated glory, GREAT SCOTT is staring at a link. For a moment, he is conflicted– his mother had always taught him not to click links in emails, and ever since she was killed by the mafia, he’s always lived by her advice. He has had to make so many iCloud accounts, because all of the password reset emails had links in them. But this e-mail was different. This email was official.
This email was a prestigious award!
He double clicks the link again, throwing caution to the wind and risking that his entire very expensive gaming computer will be taken over by the chinese. The link opens a new browser in his window, and slowly the page begins to load.
GREAT SCOTT: BOY I HOPE THIS IS NOT A CATFISH. HAS BEEN A VERY EXCITING WEEK FOR ME. I WON MY DEBUT MATCH IN PRIMETIME WRESTLING AND NOW I AM ONE STEP CLOSER TO BECOMING THE IMPULSE CHAMPION. MELVIN HAS STILL NOT CALLED ME TO TELL ME THAT HE WANTS TO GIVE ME THE CHAMPIONSHIP BUT THAT JUST MEANS THAT I HAVE NOT BROUGHT ENOUGH GREATNESS AND JUSTICE TO PRIMETIME WRESTLING AND I HAVE TO KEEP TRYING. IT WAS GREAT GRANDPA’S DYING WISH THAT I BEAT UP ALL THE BAD GUYS IN PRIMETIME AND BECOME THE IMPULSE CHAMPION WHICH IS A VERY SPECIFIC WISH BUT I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO LIVE WITH MYSELF IF I DISAPPOINT HIS GHOST. GOSH THIS IS TAKING A LONG TIME TO LOAD I WISH MY WIFI WAS BETTER ON THE THIRTY NINTH FLOOR.
The page finally finishes loading– it’s a link to a cryptowallet, with a single animated GIF of a bear riding on a big gold key. The key seems to be flying through space, with a rainbow coming out of what would be its anus if a key had a digestive system. With it, a short message and a link to the blockchain confirms the authenticity of this–
GREAT SCOTT: WAIT ITS A FUCKING NFT WHAT THE FUCK.
It’s an NFT.
GREAT SCOTT: OH MY GOD I HAVE TO KEEP THIS SAFE. PLEASE NO ONE RIGHT CLICK ON THAT AND PRESS SAVE THAT IS STEALING AND THIS IS A VERY PRESTIGIOUS HONOR FOR ME. IF TOO MANY PEOPLE HAVE THE KEY TO THE GREATER METRO AREA OF GREAT FALLS THEY WILL CHANGE THE LOCKS AND THEN MY NFT WILL BE WORTHLESS IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE NON FUNGIBLE PLEASE DO NOT SCREENSHOT IT.
In a panic, GREAT SCOTT throws himself onto his desk, covering the monitor the best that he can with both hands. You can still see the GIF peeking out, though, because it is a very large and very expensive monitor.
GREAT SCOTT: THIS IS MY KEY I WON IT FOR ENDING THE MAFIA PLEASE RESPECT MY INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY.
Looking around for spies or Chinese hackers, Scott turns off the monitor and wipes the sweat from his brow. It has been a very busy day and an even busier week, what with construction still ongoing on his new mansion. Even in the background now, we can hear the sounds of machinery doing things that machines do.
Despite his major award, GREAT SCOTT suddenly finds himself feeling a bit… hollow.
GREAT SCOTT: GREAT BEAR, WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN?
He isn’t talking about NFTs.
I mean, does anyone really truly understand NFTs? This isn’t about the non-fungibility of tokens, it’s about… everything. Where is any of this going? What does any of it mean? Another forty plus story mansion. Another series of hijinx or adventures. Another meaningless bit.
What does it all mean?
He looks over at his omnivorous life mate and best friend, searching for the answers. Of course, GREAT BEAR can’t hear him— he’s a six foot five bear standing on his hind legs and vibing to EDM on his sweet Beats by Dre headphones. But something in his silence and stylish dance moves speaks to GREAT SCOTT on another level. Suddenly, he understands.
All it took was one stupid fucking NFT to make him realize that it wasn’t just the new age of sketchy meme cryptocurrency that was empty and meaningless.
It was the life he’d been living up to this point.
GREAT SCOTT: GREAT BEAR IT IS TIME FOR CHANGE JUST LIKE WHEN I HAD AN OBAMA PHONE. ALL OF MY ADVENTURES ARE FUN BUT ULTIMATELY MEANINGLESS AND THAT IS NOT GREAT. IT IS TIME FOR ME TO GROW UP AND MAYBE HAVE A REAL FAMILY NOT JUST LOGAN’S MOM WHO LIVES IN MY OLD MANSION WITH MY VERY TAN CHILDREN LUDACRIS AND BEYONCÉ.
Our hero GREAT SCOTT pulls his phone out of his pocket. It is a very expensive iPhone 14 Pro Max which isn’t even out yet because though his life is empty he is still very cool. He opens up the App Store and realizes that there is only one way for his true life’s journey to finally begin. SCOTT types a single word into the search bar:
Tapping the button on the side or his phone, GREAT SCOTT waits for the app to install, his heart begins to race.
GREAT SCOTT: THIS IS IT GREAT BEAR. IT IS TIME FOR ME TO BECOME A MORE FLESHED OUT PERSON. AND WE WILL START HERE WITH AN APP I CAN USE TO FIND MY SOULMATE.
He begins swiping furiously, swiping left on everyone he sees. Cecilia Ryan’s mom. Pete Whealdon’s mom. Melvin Beauregard’s mom. Pictures fly by to the left at breakneck speed, as GREAT SCOTT searches with blind hope.
And then, he stops.
SCOTT stares in awe at the woman staring back at him from the screen of his advanced iPhone 14 Pro Max. It’s the most beautiful woman that he has ever seen in his life. She is the reason he will grow. The reason he will prosper. The reason he will in the coming weeks get bis GED and give up this whole life of luxury that he’s living.
Her name is GREAT THOTT.
He swipes right.
HI IT’S ME AGAIN GREAT SCOTT.
I HOPE YOU ALL ENJOYED MY STORY. IT HAD A LOT OF UPS AND DOWNS AND WE LAUGHED AND WE CRIED AND GREAT BEAR LISTENED TO SOME EDM MUSIC IN HIS SWEET BEATS BY DRE HEADPHONES, BUT NOW I AM BACK AND I HAVE LEARNED A LOT MORE ABOUT NFTS AND LOVE AND SHAWN WARSTEIN. IS IT PRONOUNCED WARSTEIN OR WARSTEIN? I DON’T KNOW BUT AFTER ALL MY RESEARCH I AM FEELING A CERTAIN TYPE OF WAY AND PLEASE PARDON ME FOR CURSING BUT I HAVE NO CHOICE.
I AM FEELING REALLY PISSED OFF RIGHT NOW.
THAT’S RIGHT I SAID IT. I’M PISSED OFF. SHAWN WARSTEIN ISN’T JUST A BAD GUY HE IS A MEAN GUY. HE MAKES EVERYTHING INTO A JOKE LIKE HE IS TOO COOL FOR EVERYTHING BUT HE IS NOT. HE IS A BIG DORK IN A TINY SWEATSHIRT THAT HE BOUGHT FROM BABIES R US AND IT RUBS WEIRD ON HIS NIPPLES WHICH MAKES HIM MEAN AND GRUMPY ALL THE TIME. HE JUST GOES FROM COMPANY TO COMPANY TRYING TO BEAT THE BEST WRESTLERS BUT HE IS A BIG PENIS ABOUT IT AND THAT IS ALMOST AN EXACT QUOTE. PLUS HE IS TALLER THAN ME BUT WEIGHS LESS WHICH MEANS HE DOES NOT SPEND ENOUGH TIME IN THE GYM GETTING BEEFY AND GREAT LIKE I DO.
WHERE IS THE BEEF SHAWN IS IT AT WENDYS BECAUSE I DO NOT SEE ANY BEEF. EXCEPT THE BEEF YOU HAVE WITH ME BECAUSE WE ARE NOW BEEFING. SEE SHAWN I CAN USE COOL WORDS LIKE YOU WORDS LIKE “BEEFING” OR “YA BOI”.
YOU ARE GOING TO POUND TOWN SHAWN.
AND YA BOI GREAT SCOTT IS THE MAYOR.
MUCH LIKE THE MAYOR OF THE GREATER METRO AREA OF GREAT FALLS MONTANA WHO GAVE ME THE KEY TO THE CITY FOR STOPPING THE MAFIA. AND AT REVIVAL I WILL GIVE YOU THE KEYS TO POUND TOWN BECAUSE THAT WILL BE WHERE YOU LIVE FROM NOW ON. WHEN YOUR FANS WHO ARE ALL CRIMINALS AND PEOPLE WHO LIKE NICKELBACK WANT TO WRITE YOU LETTERS THEY WILL HAVE TO SEND THEM TO SHAWN WARSTEIN 156 NOT GREAT LANE POUND TOWN.
YOU ARE A JERK SHAWN.
YOU WERE A JERK IN OCW WHERE I BEAT SCOTT STEVENS AND YOU ARE A JERK ON TWITTER AND YOU ARE A JERK IN PRIME WITH A WEIRD LEFT THIGH AND A SWEATSHIRT TUCKED INTO YOUR JEANS WITH NO BELT AND THAT IS TERRIBLE. BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY YOU JUST HAVE A BAD ATTITUDE AND YOU QUIT PLACES WHEN YOU LOSE SO I HOPE THAT WHEN YOU LOSE TO ME GREAT SCOTT YOU WILL QUIT PRIME WRESTLING FOREVER. THIS IS NOT A PLACE FOR JERKS. IT IS NOT A PLACE FOR PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY ARE TOO COOL. IT IS NOT A PLACE FOR PEOPLE WHO JUST GO AROUND TO COMPANIES TRYING TO BEAT THE BEST PERSON THERE AND THEN QUITTING WHEN THEY CAN’T. I AM GREAT SCOTT AND I AM ALL PRIMELEET AND I AM GOING TO BE THE IMPULSE CHAMPION SOMEDAY SO I WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT PRIME IS ONLY FULL OF GOOD PEOPLE NO GREAT PEOPLE AND IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO LEAVE SIR.
IT IS TIME FOR ME TO START MY TRUE NEW LIFE AND I WILL MARRY GREAT THOTT I AM JUST WAITING FOR HER TO BE A MATCH BUT I WON’T LET OUR LOVE EXIST IN A WORLD WHERE YOU GET TO BE A JERK AND NO ONE STOPS YOU.
FUCK YOU SHAWN WARSTEIN I WILL GIVE YOU A SCOTTACANRANA.
EVERYONE ELSE HAVE A GREAT DAY.