HI PRIMETIME IT IS ME GREAT SCOTT.
YOU ALSO MAY KNOW ME AS LARGE DADDY SCOTT OR SCOTTZILLA OR YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S BOYFRIEND BUT TODAY YOU CAN ALSO CALL ME THE CHAMPION OF HOT VEE BECAUSE I WON THE HOT VEE TITLE. JERBOI HAS A BELT NOW AND IT IS A REAL BELT YOU CAN LOOK IT UP ON THE INTERNET AND IT IS GREEN.
LIKE ALL THAT FUCK YOU MONEY.
BECAUSE I AM A PWA MEGASTAR.
THAT IS RIGHT THINGS ARE LOOKING UP NOW THAT I MADE A DEAL WITH PIRATE GOD. I HAVE A HOUSE AND A CAR AND EVEN BETTER THEY ARE IN THE SAME PLACE SO I NEVER EVEN HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT DRIVING DRUNK. I ALWAYS WANTED A RACECAR BED WHEN I WAS A TATOR SCOTT AND NOW I HAVE A BUS THAT HAS BUNKBEDS AND IT IS SO DOPE I AM LITERALLY LIVING THE DREAM.
SO HONESTLY FUCK YAHWEH GOD.
WHAT DID HE EVER DO FOR ME BESIDES MAKE ME HOMELESS AND NOT ALLOWED TO ORDER A BACONATOR AT WENDY’S? BACON IS DELICIOUS YAVWEH WHY WOULD YOU EVEN MAKE AN ANIMAL I CANNOT EAT AND THEN ALSO MAKE IT DELICIOUS. NO HAM AND NO SCRIMPS MAKES SCOTT A HOMELESS BOY AND FUCK ALL THAT BECAUSE MY NEW GOD DOES NOT HAVE ANY DIETARY RESTRICTIONS AT ALL. BUT NOW THAT YOU ARE CAUGHT UP ON MY LIFE IT IS TIME TO ADDRESS THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM AND THAT ELEPHANT IS MY OPPONENT THIS WEEK HAM SAMPSON.
THE FORBIDDEN MEAT.
YOU ARE IN REAL TROUBLE MR. SAMPSON BECAUSE NOW THAT I HAVE TOLD YAHWEH GOD TO KICK ROCKS I AM LEGALLY ALLOWED TO EAT YOU FOR FUCKING LUNCH. I DO NOT KNOW HOW A MAN NAMED HAM WAS ALLOWED TO BE STAR OF DAVID CHAMPION SIR YOU HAVE A LOT OF AUDACITY BUT I AM GOING TO LIGHT YOU UP LIKE A MENORA AND BY THAT I MEAN I AM GOING TO DO IT EIGHT TIMES. IF EATING HAM IS SUPPOSED TO BE BAD THEN BEING HAM MUST BE WORSE BECAUSE YOU CANNOT EVEN REPENT YOU ARE JUST A HAM BRO AND YOU CAN’T TEACH THAT.
BUT I AM SURE YOU ARE EXCITED.
I AM SURE THAT YOU SEE LARGE DADDY SCOTT WALKING AROUND WITH HOT VEE ON HIS ARMS AND YOU SEE AN OPPORTUNITY. YOU SEE A CHANCE TO MAKE UP FOR LOSING TO RAISIN THE GOATMAN BY BEATING THE NUMBER ONE CONTENDER. BUT GUESS WHAT HAM SAMPSON MELVIN DID NOT PUT MY NUMBER ONE CONTENDERSHIP ON THE LINE SO YOU CANNOT HAVE IT. AND YOU CAN’T EVEN HAVE A SHOT AND GRABBING MY HOT VEE BECAUSE MELVIN’S SECRETARY LINDSAY IS XENOPHOBIC ABOUT BELTS AND DOES NOT WANT MY HOT VEE ANYWHERE NEAR HER ASS NETWORK. I TRIED TO OPEN A PROHIBITED GATE BETWEEN HOT VEE AND ASS BUT LINDSAY THE SECRETARY SAID I CANNOT EVEN OPEN A CRACK.
NOT EVEN A SINGLE ASS CRACK MISTER HAM.
TRUST ME IT IS NOT THAT I AM AFRAID TO DEFEND MY HOT VEE AGAINST YOU SIR I AM GREAT SCOTT AND I AM A PWA MEGASTAR AND I FEAR NO ONE. IT IS JUST THAT I AM NOT ALLOWED OR I WOULD. AND NOW THAT THE MATCH IS BOOKED IT CANNOT EVEN BE CHANGED SO EVEN IF MELVIN’S SECRETARY HEARS THIS AND CHANGES HER MIND IT IS TOO LATE IT IS IN MY PWA CONTRACT THAT YOU CANNOT PUSH LUNCH OR MAKE ME DEFEND A TITLE AFTER ALREADY BOOKING THE MATCH. THOSE ARE JUST THE RULES HAM SAMPSON I DO NOT MAKE THEM THIS IS THE PWA UNIVERSE AND WE ARE ALL JUST LIVING IN IT.
I DO NOT LIKE YOU.
I DO NOT LIKE YOU IN A BOAT. I DON’T LIKE YOU OR RAISIN GOAT. I DO NOT LIKE YOU HERE OR THERE. I DO NOT LIKE YOU ANYWHERE. I DO NOT LIKE YOU IN A TRAM I DO NOT LIKE YOU HAM I AM. YOU ARE A SO CALLED BABYFACE BUT YOU HAVE A MUSTACHE. WHAT A JOKE. MUSTACHES ARE RESERVED FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME WHO HAVE ABANDONED THEIR GODS AND ARE DICKS TO CHILDREN FOR FUN. WHY DON’T YOU GO SHAVE THAT CATIPILLAR OFF YOUR LIPS AND FEED A HOMELESS PERSON YOU FUCKING NERD. WHY DON’T YOU FEEL SOME WIND ON YOUR UPPER LIP AND RUN K K K K K FOR CHARITY THAT IS 5 KS IN A ROW NOT A SUPER RACISM BY THE WAY.
YOU ARE A WANNABE MUSTACHE HAVER.
AND A WANNABE CHAMPION TOO CAUSE YOU WANNA BE A CHAMPION BUT YOU ARE NOT. ME I AM A BIG MEGASTAR CHAMPION WHO BEAT COWBOB CLAYPANTS AND GOT HIM TO SHAKE MY HAND. HE WOULD NEVER SHAKE YOUR HAND HAM SAMPSON BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT A MAN YOU ARE A HAM BRO PIG FACE WITH A MUSTACHE FULL OF LIES. I AM CHARLOTTE AND YOU ARE CAUGHT IN MY WEB. YOU REALLY ARE SOME PIG. IF I AM WINNIE THE POOH LIKE RAISIN SAYS THEN YOU ARE PIGLET AND YOU HAVE ANXIETY. YOU ARE BABE AND I AM A FARMER WITH A COOL DIRK DICKWOOD ACCENT.
THAT’LL DO HAM.
NOW GO FUCK YOURSELF.
I’M GREAT SCOTT AND I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU.
“Your current course is unwise, Scott Gratesburgh.”
A noticeably anxious Morty The Mortician, who does not have a daughter by a stripper in Arlington, taps his foot against the concrete of his crypt, the head chair amongst a circle of chairs replacing the living room furniture. The usual undead decor has been moved out to the garage of his lair, cast aside for today’s occasion.
MORTY: While I have always encouraged you to shed yourself of the restraints of your false Yahweh God, the path that you have chosen is… ill advised.
Oh right, the circle of chairs.
Sitting to the left of Morty, Dr. Gary Tongueman, DDS is leaned back in his chair, arms folded across his chest. He doesn’t look happy to be here, especially as only one of three official attendees— besides Morty and Dr. Tongueman, only GREAT BEAR is present. Of course, he’s a bear and he’s too busy vibing to low-fi tunes on his sweet Beats by Dre headphones to know why he’s here.
He’s here for an intervention.
GREAT SCOTT: THIS IS STUPID MORTY I KNOW YOU ARE MAD THAT I SWIPED LEFT ON THE DEVIL BUT YOU HAVE TO MOVE ON. I HAVE A NEW GOD NOW. WE ARE HAPPY TOGETHER AND HE IS VERY GOOD WITH GREAT BEAR.
In a huff, LARGE DADDY SCOTT sits with his elbows on his knees, slowly stroking his cool new two-toned goatee. It’s extra cool because he grew it so fast— it takes most men a long time to grow a sweet goatee but GREAT SCOTT did it almost overnight because his five o’clock shadow is more like an all-encompassing darkness. Back when he was a good guy, he had to shave seven times a day just to be a Babyface.
What a waste of time.
MORTY: Disappointed as I may be that you did not accept the salvation of the Dark Lord, Young Scott, the purpose of this intervention is not to put you upon his path. It is to divert you from the path that you have chosen. You chose a new God and you chose poorly.
A long, exasperated “pfffffffffft” leaves the mouth of the PWA MEGASTAR, as he gestures rubbing a dirty banana near the jockstrap of his singlet.
GREAT SCOTT: YEAH OKAY MORTY. LET ME JUST ABANDON THE ONLY GOD WHO HAS EVER DONE ANYTHING FOR ME. PIRATE GOD FLEW ME TO TAMPA ON A PRIVATE JET AND GAVE ME A HOUSE THAT IS ALSO A SCHOOLBUS. WHAT DID THE DEVIL GIVE YOU MORTY BECAUSE YOUR CRYPT DOESN’T EVEN HAVE WHEELS IT ONLY SERVES ONE PURPOSE.
Forlorn, Morty the Mortician looks around the mostly empty room. GREAT BEAR is still vibing. Gary Tongueman is barely paying attention, playing an iPhone game where you have to see how many arms Cecilworth Farthington can break in under a minute.
Morty gestures to all the empty chairs.
MORTY: Do you see, Scott Gratesburgh? Do you see how your path has affected those around you? I staged this intervention and invited all those you once called friends. Everyone. Every single person. Do you see who has chosen to attend, Scott? A musically motivated apex predator and an objectively bad dentist slash wrestler— an objectively bad dentist slash wrestler who is only in attendance because he became my soulless thrall in exchange for a place in The Glue Factory, in fact. The God that you have chosen is bringing you success, but at what cost?
He stands from the chair, taking a step toward GREAT SCOTT and placing a hand on his shoulder. The left shoulder, mind you— the right shoulder has been occupied by the HOTv Championship since the second he won the belt. He slept with it. He showered with it. The thing has not left his side.
MORTY: Thou art being a dick, Scott.
He squeezes the shoulder of his young ward, but GREAT SCOTT angrily glares and shoves his hand away, pushing his chair backward in immediate recoil.
GREAT SCOTT: SHUT UP ABOUT DICK ART MORTY I AM A CHAMPION NOW AND I AM HAPPY AND LIFE ISN’T TAKING A HOT STINKY POOP ON ME ANYMORE OKAY.
He stands up from the chair in a flurry, determined to get the fuck out of this ambush of an intervention. Morty gets between him and the door, though, followed by a very “okay, whatever” looking Gary Tongueman.
MORTY: He is a monster, Scott Gratesburgh. A soulless megalomaniac intent on the destruction of his own creation. He has killed. He has maimed. He has generally been a bane upon the wrestling community and has a mild obsession with a particular brand of children’s toy. You would think I’d be into all of this, given that I literally worship the fucking Dark Lord, so heed my words, Young Scott. Your God is bad news. And he will reap upon you thrice in destruction every gift that he’s enticed you with in the first place. Ask an eGG Bandit.
With a grunt, GREAT SCOTT shoves past Gary Tongueman, dismissing the whole thing. Morty is still standing in his way of the door, but Scott’s angry glare has a second power that the Minister of the Dark Lord did not previously consider.
It has alerted GREAT BEAR.
Slowly ceasing his vibing, the mighty bestie of SCOTTZILLA stands from his seated position and rises to his full height. He towers over Morty, letting out a sound halfway between a roar and a snarl.
GREAT SCOTT: YOU KNOW WHAT MORTY FUCK YOU. MY WHOLE LIFE I HAVE BEEN A JABRONI. AND EVERYONE SAID “OH HEY GREAT SCOTT IS SO FUNNY” BUT NO ONE RESPECTED ME. THEY JUST DID THE GREAT SCOTT AND QUOTED MY COOL PROMOS AND THEN LAUGHED WHEN I LOST TO RAISIN THE GOAT. WELL IT WASN’T FUNNY TO ME AND I AM NOT LAUGHING MORTY.
He shoves his mentor backward, almost causing him to fall over the chair behind him. Gary Tongueman is trapped in fear, still backing away from a furious GREAT BEAR.
GREAT SCOTT: HERE IS YOUR PAY PER VIEW SCOOP MORTY. I ABANDONED YAHWEH GOD BECAUSE HE NEVER DID A DAMNED THING FOR ME MY WHOLE LIFE. AND I GREW THIS MUSTACHE BECAUSE THE FANS NEVER DID A DAMNED THING FOR ME EITHER. ALL THOSE SUPPOSED SMOOTH FACED BOIS IN THE BACK DIDN’T COME HELP ME WHEN RAISIN THE GOAT WAS CHEATING AGAINST ME. THE FANS DIDN’T TELL THE REFEREE TO STOP RAISIN FROM CHEATING AGAINST ME. AND WHERE WERE YOU MORTY?
He shoves Morty again, this time harder. The aging ring veteran slams his back against the wall, his eyes growing wide as a lump forms in his throat.
GREAT SCOTT: YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE MY MANAGER BUT YOU DO NOT EVER MANAGE ME. AND YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE MY FRIEND BUT ALL YOU EVER DO IS TELL ME TO BE THE DEVIL’S BITCH. I AM NOT ANYBODY’S BITCH ANYMORE MORTY. MY GOD CARES ABOUT ME EVEN THOUGH I HAVE TWO EYES AND I WILL NOT HAVE YOU BESMIRCH HIM IN FRONT OF GREAT BEAR.
Seemingly more surprised in the moment than he is terrified, Gary Tongueman takes his eyes off the bear, looking quizzically at GREAT SCOTT.
GARY: Besmirched? Really?
Our hero casts his Angry Glare™ at the doctor of dentistry.
GREAT SCOTT: YES IT IS A REAL WORD LOOK IT UP ON THE INTERNET.
Barreling toward the door, GREAT SCOTT puts his hand on the knob and begins to turn. But he looks back, unsatisfied with his final word.
GREAT SCOTT: IF YOU EVER TELL ME TO ABANDON MY GOD AGAIN MORTY I WILL FIRE YOU AND I WILL LET GREAT BEAR EAT YOU LIKE YOU ARE A FREEZER FULL OF GOD MEAT. YOU THINK HE WON’T EAT YOU MOTHERFUCKER HE IS A GODDAMNED BEAR. HE LIKES TO VIBE AND HAVE FUN BUT I SWEAR TO LEE THAT HE WILL EAT YOU LIKE A HAM FUCKING SANDWICH AT ONE OF YOUR LAME DEVIL’S ANONYMOUS MEETINGS. LET HIM GET A TASTE FOR HUMAN FLESH MORTY. FUCK AROUND AND FIND OUT.
He opens the door to the crypt, stepping out into the daylight. Anger radiates off of him like the sun on hot pavement as he slams the door behind him, leaving Morty and Gary staring at a very menacing, possibly hungry GREAT BEAR.
Gary looks at Morty.
Morty looks at Gary.
They both look at GREAT BEAR.
MORTY: Dr. Tongueman, I’m afraid we’ve created a monster.
I WANT TO MAKE SOMETHING CLEAR.
OH HI ITS ME GREAT SCOTT AGAIN BY THE WAY. THAT WAS A RUDE WAY TO START THIS I AM SORRY. BUT I AM VERY ANGRY RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MORTY AND GARY AND THE WHOLE WORLD ARE TRYING TO INFRINGE ON MY FREEDOM OF WORSHIP AND THAT IS NOT GREAT. I AM FREE TO WORSHIP WHATEVER GOD I WANT IT SAYS SO IN THE US CONSTIPATION IT IS ONE OF THE FOUNDING ANNULMENTS. ANYWAY WHAT I WANT TO MAKE CLEAR IS THAT I AM A NEW MAN WITH A NEW GOD AND THIS IS A NEW EVEN GREATER GREAT SCOTT.
BEFORE I WAS A JOKE BUT NO MORE PUNCHLINES NOW I ONLY PUNCH FACES. NO MORE DOING THE GREAT SCOTT UNLESS YOU ARE DOWN WITH HOT VEE. NO MORE MOCKING THE WAY I TALK ON JABBER. NO MORE TREATING ME LIKE I AM A MANNEQUIN TAG PARTNER BECAUSE I AM NOT MADE OF WOOD I AM A REAL HECKING BOY. IF YOU COULD NOT HANDLE ME AT MY JOBBEREST YOU DO NOT DESERVE ME AT MY CHAMPIONEST BECAUSE WITH GREAT SCOTT YOU ARE RIDE OR DIE AND A LOT OF YOU DIDN’T RIDE SO NOW YOU MIGHT DIE.
FROM NOW ON YOU WILL RESPECT ME AND MY HOT VEE CHAMPIONSHIP OR YOU WILL FEEL MY BEAR AND MY GLARE.
AND I’M GONNA START WITH HAM SAMPSON.
YOU ALL LOVE HIM SO MUCH SO I AM GOING TO TAKE HIM AWAY FROM YOU. YOU ALL LAUGHED WHEN I WAS EATING GOVERNMENT CHEESE AND HAD NO HOUSE WELL GUESS WHAT DICKHEADS INSTEAD OF CHEESE I’M GONNA EAT HAM. I AM GOING TO TAKE HIM OUT OF THE MATCH AND MAKE HOME RUN HAM RUN HOME. HIS PRIMETIME BIO SAYS HE IS LIVING HIS DREAM BUT IT IS ABOUT TO BECOME HIS NIGHTMARE. SO HAM SINCE YOU LIKE TO MAKE THE WEBSITE PEOPLE UPDATE YOUR WINS AND LOSSES EVERY WEEK BE PREPARED TO TELL THEM YOU TOOK A BIG L LIKE YOU WERE ON WHEEL OF FORTUNE AND HAD ALREADY GUESSED R S T AND N. BE PREPARED TO TELL THEM THAT YOU USED TO BE VERY FAT ON TV BUT ARE NOT FAT ANYMORE BECAUSE YOU WILL BE THE BIGGEST LOSER. PREPARE TO SOUND LIKE A STAGEHAND AT A CHRISTIAN BALE MOVIE SET BECAUSE YOU WILL BE LOOKING AT THE LIGHTS AT REVIVAL 15.
LARGE DADDY SCOTT HAS WHAT YOU NEED.
YELL LOUDLY IF YOUR EARS WORK.
HAVE A GREAT FUCKING DAY.