Private: GREAT SCOTT
HI EVERYONE IT’S ME YOUR FRIEND GREAT SCOTT WHO IS NOW 3 – 0.
I THINK IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN 4 – 0 BUT THAT IS OKAY BECAUSE I AM NOW IN THE TOP FIVE WRESTLERS IN PRIMETIME WRESTLING. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT GUYS I AM NOW IN THE MOST PRIMELEET CLUB OF ALL THE PEOPLE WHO ARE ALL PRIMELEET I AM JUST LIKE BRANDON YOUNGBLOOD I EVEN HAVE A PARKING SPOT NEAR HIM NOW FOR MY HUMBLE RANGE ROVER WHICH I BOUGHT BECAUSE IT WAS MORE HUMBLE THAN A VERY VERY LONG LIMOUSINE.
ANYWAY THIS WEEK I FACE TEDDY PALMER’S FRIEND ALEX.
I DO NOT KNOW A LOT ABOUT ALEX REDDING EXCEPT THAT HE IS A BAD GUY WHO LOVES CLOWNS AND HAS A PHOBIA ABOUT HAVING HAIR ON THE SIDE OF HIS HEAD. IT IS OKAY TO HAVE HAIR NEAR YOUR EARS ALEX IT DOES NOT STOP YOU FROM HEARING THINGS I PROMISE I WOULD NOT LIE TO YOU I AM AN HONEST GOOD GUY UNLIKE YOU. I HEAR THAT YOU ARE THE TYPE OF GUY WHO WOULD SHAKE MY HAND BUT THEN SPIT IN MY EYES AND THEN STOMP ON MY TOES AND I HAVE TO SAY THAT YOU SOUND LIKE KIND OF A JERK.
YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE A MUSTACHE BUT YOU DEFINITELY HAVE BIG MUSTACHE ENERGY AND YOUR PERMANENT FIVE O’CLOCK SHADOW REMINDS ME OF MAD MEN BUT THIS IS MORE LIKE BIG MAD MANCHILD. JUST BECAUSE DON DRAPER WAS A JERK AND YOU ARE A JERK DOESN’T MEAN THAT YOU ARE DON DRAPER PLEASE STOP TRYING TO LOOK LIKE DON DRAPER PLUS DON DRAPER HAD HAIR ON THE SIDES OF HIS HEAD BECAUSE HE WAS NOT A COWARD. ALEX REDDING HAHA MORE LIKE ALEX YELLOWING BECAUSE YOU HAVE A LOT OF PHOBIAS.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT MY PHOBIA IS ALEX?
MY PHOBIA IS OF LOSING TO A GUY WHO IS PROUD TO BE A BAD GUY AND WHO YELLS SHADDUP AT PEOPLE DURING MATCHES WHICH IS VERY RUDE HONESTLY. IF YOU TRY TO TELL ME TO SHADDUP DURING OUR MATCH I AM GOING TO SAY NO AND THEN HIT YOU WITH THE SCOTTACANRANA AND THAT IS NOT A PREDICTION THAT IS A SPOILER ALERT. ALSO YOU ARE NOT THE JOKER PLEASE STOP TELLING PEOPLE YOU ARE THE JOKER HE IS THE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF DC COMICS AND IF THEY MADE ME CHANGE MY SINGLET YOU DEFINITELY CAN’T BE THE JOKER ALEX IT IS A LEGAL NIGHTMARE.
PLEASE CEASE AND DESIST BEING THE JOKER.
ANYWAY MR. RED YOU PICKED A BAD WEEK TO BE FACING GREAT SCOTT BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS FINALLY GOING MY WAY. THIS WEEK I AM FINALLY GOING ON A DATE WITH GREAT THOTT AND WE ARE MEETING AT A VERY FANCY RESTAURANT AND I THINK THAT I AM GOING TO POP THE QUESTION. NOTHING CAN STOP ME NOW ALEX ESPECIALLY NOT AN EVIL FOOT STOMPING MOUTH SPITTER LIKE YOU. IN FACT I AM GOING TO GO NOW AND GET READY FOR MY DATE I HAVE TO WEAR SOMETHING REALLY NICE AND I PROMISE YOU THAT IT WILL NOT BE RED BECAUSE THAT WOULD REMIND ME OF YOU AND YOU SIR ARE A BOZO.
OKAY EVERYONE I WILL BE BACK AFTER THE STORY WISH ME LUCK AND HAVE A GREAT DAY UNLESS YOU ARE A HAIRPHOBIC JOKER PERVERT PRIMARY COLOR WHO IS A GENERIC BAD GUY BUT CAN’T GROW A MUSTACHE THEN YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF.
The slightest dribble of sweat rolls down the temple of GREAT SCOTT, creeping toward his jawline as he stands in the entranceway to a very expensive and luxurious Olive Garden restaurant. He holds a single rose clasped gently to his chest, a stark red contrast from the crisp black tuxedo that he bought especially for the occasion.
He’d always reveled in the delightful dining experience of an Olive Garden— the never ending pasta bowls, the boundless possibilities of unlimited salad and breadsticks. And yet today, it was not a seventh bowl of baked ziti that our hero hungered for.
Today, it was the never ending pasta bowl of love.
GREAT SCOTT: OH BOY I AM UNDEFEATED IN THE RING AND NOW TODAY I WILL HOPEFULLY BE UNDEFEATED IN THE HEART. AND SINCE GREAT GRANDPA DIED FROM A MAFIA ATTACK ON HIS HEART THIS IS WILL TRULY BE ROMANCE AND VENGEANCE ALL IN THE PLACE WHERE IF YOU ARE HERE YOU ARE FAMILY.
One sentence had changed everything. A single message received on his humble iPhone 13 with 5G. One Tinder notification that had altered his life forever. As he awaits the arrival of his destiny, GREAT SCOTT pulls the phone out of his tuxedo pants, scrolling back to once again delight in how it had all started.
“HI SCOTT MY NAME IS GREAT THOTT AND I HOPE YOU ARE HAVING A GREAT DAY.”
The butterflies his stomach flutter toward his chest, sending a charge from his wiener all the way up to the top of his throat. He might vomit. He might faint. He might accidentally get an erection in very snug tuxedo pants. This is the greatest day in his entire life, and GREAT SCOTT begins to feel anxious as he scans the restaurant for the woman of his dreams.
GREAT SCOTT: PLEASE BE HERE…
He swallows hard, taking one more deep breath as he steps beyond the threshold of the Olive Garden, making his way into the restaurant. His eyes fall to a table near the back, where the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen in his entire life sits alone, staring at her phone. It’s only an iPhone 12, but GREAT SCOTT is not concerned about her station in life.
He loves her for her heart.
He breathes out, walking slowly toward the table and standing in front of the stocky, muscular behemoth of a woman waiting on her drink. A gorgeous, flowing mullet hangs deliciously down her neck, offset by bangs that loosely hang over her eyes. This woman could for sure lift a tractor tire or save a child trapped beneath a Ford Taurus, and he can’t help but think about how sexy she’d look wearing nothing but a singlet.
His throat goes dry.
GREAT SCOTT: HELLO GREAT THOTT IT’S ME GREAT SCOTT AND IT IS VERY NICE TO MEET YOU. YOU LOOK VERY SWOLE AND BEAUTIFUL.
The mountain of a woman looks up for the table, her smile broadening as she accepts the rose from the hands of her suitor. GREAT SCOTT slowly sits down at the table, his hands shaking as he pushes in his chair.
GREAT THOTT: HELLO GREAT SCOTT IT’S ME GREAT THOTT AND IT IS GREAT TO MEET YOU TOO. YOU LOOK VERY NICE IN YOUR TUXEDO AND I LIKE YOUR FACE A LOT.
She reaches out a meaty mitt, shaking the hand of GREAT SCOTT. Instantly, a jolt runs over his system, and the chemistry is palpable. This is the woman with which he will spend a GREAT life.
Their hands linger in the middle of the table, faintly touching.
GREAT SCOTT: IT IS VERY COOL THAT WE MATCHED ON TINDER AND I THINK YOU ARE MY SWOLEMATE. THIS IS VERY SUDDEN BUT I WOULD LIKE TO MARRY YOU IN A CHURCH OR AT A PLACE WITH AN ELVIS OR EVEN ON A BOAT THANKS TO MARITIME LAW. WOULD YOU LIKE TO GET MARRIED?
Across the table, GREAT THOTT turns flush, covering her mouth with her hands. She has never been proposed to thirty seconds into a date before, much less someplace as fancy and delicious as an Olive Garden.
Yet somewhere in her eyes, something is… wrong.
She folds her hands in front of her on the table, looking her Tinder Champion squarely in the eyes, a large smile spreading across her face like a communicable disease.
GREAT THOTT: GREAT SCOTT NO ONE HAS EVER ASKED ME TO MARRY THEM ON THE FIRST DATE BUT BEFORE I CAN SAY YES I HAVE A FEW BASIC QUESTIONS FOR YOU. WHAT ARE THE FIRST FIVE DIGITS OF YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER?
What a weird ass question.
Our hero GREAT SCOTT also thinks it’s a weird question, but this is the love of his life and the beginning of his destiny, so he reaches into his wallet and checks his Social Security card.
GREAT SCOTT: THAT IS A WEIRD ASS QUESTION BUT YOU ARE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE AND THE BEGINNING OF MY DESTINY SO IT IS TWO FIVE ONE SEVEN FOUR.
Nodding slowly, GREAT THOTT makes a note of this in her phone, still smiling brightly at SCOTT.
GREAT THOTT: GREAT THANK YOU. WHAT IS YOUR MOTHER’S MAIDEN NAME?
Again, a weird ass question.
GREAT SCOTT: THAT IS ALSO A WEIRD ASS QUESTION BUT YOU ARE MY SWOLEMATE SO THE ANSWER IS SWELLSBOROUGH. SHE CHANGED IT TO GRATESBURGH WHEN SHE MET MY DAD. IS THIS FOR A BUZZFEED TEST BECAUSE I DO NOT TRUST BUZZFEED THEY ALWAYS BAIT ME WITH CLICKS.
GREAT THOTT makes another note in her phone, before clearly hitting “SEND” on a text message. She nods her head one last time, before looking back at SCOTT.
Her eyes narrow a bit, but she’s still smiling.
GREAT THOTT: THANK YOU SCOTT I AM ALMOST READY TO MARRY YOU BUT FIRST I NEED TO KNOW ONE MORE THING. PLEASE TELL ME THE—
GREAT SCOTT: WAIT. NO. OH NO. NO.
There it is, sitting against the lapel of her blouse like a Redding herring. A single metal pin, emblazoned by a large, decorative letter “T” in the center . A symbol that GREAT SCOTT has not seen in a long time. A symbol that brings a great sadness, a great fury, and a great feeling of nausea over his whole body, beginning at his tum tum.
GREAT SCOTT: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS GREAT THOTT. I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY SWOLEMATE.
Her eyes welling up with shameful tears, GREAT THOTT drops her phone onto the table, revealing the text message thread for the first time. They are of course green texts, because the man she is texting is not a good guy and does not have an iPhone. Not even an iPhone 12. He is Samsung Gang and messes up group chats because he is nefarious to the bone.
He is the nemesis of GREAT SCOTT.
GREAT SCOTT: TREACHEROUS TRENT. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.
The welling of tears turns into a full blown sob, as GREAT THOTT loses her nerve and slides the phone across the table to her faux beau. It has all been vile trickery. A great betrayal. A methodical and calculated scheme on behalf of his longtime nemesis. GREAT SCOTT is absolutely crushed, his fists clenching at he stares at the conversation on the phone.
GREAT THOTT: I AM SO SORRY SCOTT HE FORCED ME TO DO IT HE IS VERY SWOLE AND CHARMING AND HE CONVINCED ME THAT YOU WERE THE REAL BAD GUY.
There are tears in the eyes of our hero as he powers off the screen of the iPhone 12.
GREAT SCOTT: I DO NOT EVEN HAVE A MUSTACHE HOW CAN I BE A BAD GUY. I AM HEARTBROKEN. YOU HAVE BROKEN MY HEART. IS GREAT THOTT EVEN YOUR REAL NAME.
She swallows, hard. Unable to meet his gaze, the alleged GREAT THOTT stares down at the table instead.
“GREAT THOTT”: NO I AM SO SORRY MY REAL NAME IS CATFISH CATHY AND I DID NOT WANT TO BREAK YOUR HEART PLEASE ACCEPT MY APOLOGY SCOTT. PLEASE CAN WE START OVER WITH YOU ACCEPTING MY APOLOGY AND MAKING THIS A REAL DATE?
GREAT SCOTT: NO.
He stands up from his seat, dramatically smashing his fists upon the tabletop to show that he is very upset.
GREAT SCOTT: YOU ARE A MEAN PERSON CATFISH CATHY YOU HAVE MADE TODAY NOT A GREAT DAY IN FACT THIS IS THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE. I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU ARE JUST A PAWN OF MY LONGTIME NEMESIS TREACHEROUS TRENT. YOU SHOULD STOP WAXING UNDER YOUR NOSE BECAUSE YOU ARE A BAD GUY AND YOU DESERVE TO HAVE A MUSTACHE.
Still in her seat, CATFISH CATHY sobs loudly into her hands, realizing that she missed her chance with GREAT SCOTT forever by providing his personal credit details to TREACHEROUS TRENT via evil green texts. GREAT SCOTT barges out of the restaurant, banging through the doors and out into the open air of the parking lot.
He drops to his knees, staring at the sky.
GREAT SCOTT: DAMN YOU TREACHEROUS TRENT DAMN YOU TO HELL. YOU WERE MY BEST FRIEND ONCE.
He slams his fists against the pavement, his face a messy mixture of sweat and tears.
GREAT SCOTT: I DON’T UNDERSTAND I TRY SO HARD TO BE A GOOD GUY AND A GREAT PERSON BUT THE UNIVERSE KEEPS PUTTING PENISES IN MY BUTT. THAT WOULD BE OKAY IF IT WAS MY THING BUT IT IS NOT MY THING PLEASE DO NOT MISUNDERSTAND AND THINK I AM DOING A HOMOPHOBIA HAPPY PRIDE EVERYONE. I REALLY THOUGHT GREAT THOTT WOULD BE THE ONE BUT IT TURNS OUT THAT SHE WAS JUST A PUPPET FOR TREACHEROUS TRENT OH GOD OH FUCK.
He falls into a heap, breathing heavily against the hot pavement as cars casually drive around him, trying to find places to park so that they can enjoy some delicious Olive Garden half price appetizers. Slowly, he begins to steady his lungs, wiping the tears away from his eyes as he flips over onto his back, staring up at the stars. Or at least what he can see of them, what with the light pollution and all.
GREAT SCOTT: …TODAY WAS NOT A GREAT DAY. BUT THAT’S OKAY. MAYBE TOMORROW WILL BE GREAT. MAYBE MY DESTINY WAS TO GET CATFISHED BY CATFISH CATHY AND MY REAL DREAM GIRL IS NAMED DENISE OR SOMETHING AND WE WILL HAVE A HAPPY LIFE AND MANY CHILDREN. BUT MAN THIS SUCKS. I HATE THIS SO MUCH.
As GREAT SCOTT lays on the pavement, utterly ruining his new tuxedo, there is a sudden vibration in his pocket. He slowly reaches in and pulls out his humble iPhone 13, and the notification on the screen forces him to sit up right there in the parking lot. His heart begins to race, as he stares at the words.
Low Balance Alert
CHKG BAL: $1.28
GREAT SCOTT tries to swallow, but his throat is filled with sand. He doesn’t blink, eyes fixated on the notification, but it isn’t the only one. More notifications begin to pop up, one by one, each trying to shoehorn in against the last.
YOUR LOW BALANCE ALERT FROM CHASE
HI SCOTT, LET’S REVIEW YOUR ACCOUNT
LOW BALANCE ALERT FOR YOUR FFBF SAVINGS ACCOUNT
THANK YOU FOR UPDATING YOUR PAYPAL ACCOUNT
CREDIT KARMA: YOU HAVE 17 NEW HARD INQUIRIES
YOUR CASHAPP BALANCE IS LOW
OVERDRAFT NOTIFICATION FOR CARD ENDING IN 0420
His mouth hangs open like a trout corpse, as the never-ending string of notifications continue. Credit card overdrafts. New credit applications. Zeroed out balances and closed accounts. In the days leading up to his meeting with GREAT THOTT, he’d thought the questions she was asking were strange, but now it was all starting to make sense. Answers to his security questions, details about his accounts– he’d been so trusting, so undyingly loyal to this woman who he’d believed would be the love of his life. But he’d given her the keys to the castle, and now they were storming the gates.
This wasn’t just some sick mind game.
Treacherous Trent was taking everything.
OH GOD WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
MELVIN IF YOU ARE READING THIS PLEASE I NEED AN ADVANCE ON MY PAYCHECK AND I WOULD LIKE YOU TO PAY ME IN CASH PLEASE. TREACHEROUS TRENT HAS EMPTIED ALL OF MY BANK ACCOUNTS HE EVEN TOOK MY APPLE CASH AND USED MY MCDONALDS REWARD POINTS THIS IS REALLY BAD I CAN’T EVEN AFFORD TO GET A FOUR PIECE CHICKEN NUGGET RIGHT NOW AND I EAT SO MANY MORE CHICKEN NUGGETS THAN JUST FOUR. PLEASE MELVIN CALL ME BECAUSE I AM CURRENTLY BROKE SCOTT AND I HAVE RECENTLY HAD MY HEART BROKEN. IT IS A LONG STORY BUT YOU JUST READ IT SO I WILL NOT REPEAT IT ALL HERE.
THIS IS REALLY BAD.
I AM REALLY CLOSE TO GIVING UP HOPE. YES I AM A TOP FIVE WRESTLER IN PRIMETIME WRESTLING BUT I CAN’T JUST HANG MY HAT ON THAT BECAUSE I GAVE AWAY MY 42 STORY MANSION TO ORPHANS AND NOW I LITERALLY DO NOT EVEN HAVE A PLACE TO HANG MY HAT. IF ANYONE IN PRIMETIME WRESTLING HAS A PLACE I CAN SLEEP PLEASE LET ME KNOW BECAUSE I DIDN’T HAVE MY APARTMENT YET AND NOW I AM TECHNICALLY HOMELESS OH GOD I DO NOT EVEN HAVE A HOME. GUYS PLEASE STAY OFF OF TINDER IT IS BASICALLY ALL JUST CATFISH AND IF THERE IS ONE THING I HAVE LEARNED ABOUT CATFISH RECENTLY IT IS THAT THEY ALL HAVE MUSTACHES. FUCK I HAVE TO TELL GREAT BEAR ABOUT THIS AND HE WILL PROBABLY BE FINE WITH IT BECAUSE HE IS JUST A BEAR BUT NOW I DO NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT HE WILL DO TO CHARGE HIS SWEET BEATS BY DRE HEADPHONES AND I DO NOT WANT TO SEE WHAT A LIVE BEAR DOES WITHOUT LOW-FI TUNES TO VIBE TO.
I HAVE TO BEAT ALEX REDDING THIS WEEK.
NOT FOR MY PRIDE OR BECAUSE IT WILL HELP ME TRIUMPHANTLY OVERCOME THE HARDSHIPS IN MY LIFE BUT BECAUSE TODAY I MADE A BET WITH A SKETCHY BOOKIE HERE IN LAS VEGAS WHO LET ME BET HIM ON CREDIT BECAUSE HE SAYS HE KNOWS THAT I WILL BE GOOD FOR IT. IF I BEAT ALEX REDDING I WILL GET A LOT OF MONEY BUT IF I LOSE I WILL BE FURTHER IN DEBT AND NOW THE BOOKIE IS SAYING THAT HE MIGHT TAKE GREAT BEAR AWAY IF I CANNOT PAY MY DEBTS.
I AM SO SORRY GREAT BEAR YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND.
I DID NOT MEAN TO PUT YOU IN GAMBLING DANGER.
BUT EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY BECAUSE GOOD ALWAYS TRIUMPHS OVER EVIL AND I WILL NEVER HAVE A MUSTACHE AND I WILL ALWAYS FIGHT TO BE A GOOD ROLE MODEL EXCEPT FOR GAMBLING KIDS PLEASE DO NOT GAMBLE I JUST REALLY DO NOT WANT TO SLEEP ON THE STREET AND EAT GARBAGE. ANYWAY GUYS PLEASE TRY TO HAVE A GREAT DAY I AM GOING TO GO SEE IF ANYONE NEEDS HELP I CAN MOW LAWNS AND DO ODD JOBS I AM JUST VERY HUNGRY AND WOULD LIKE TO EAT SOMETHING TODAY.
PLEASE WISH ME LUCK AGAINST RED GUYS.
I DON’T WANT TO LOSE GREAT BEAR HE IS ALL I HAVE LEFT.