SO THAT WASN’T GREAT HUH?
I AM NOT GOING TO SUGAR COAT IT YOUR BOY LOST HIS UNDEFEATED STREAK AND HIS SHOT AT THE STAR OF DAVID CHAMPIONSHIP TO A MUSTACHE COWARD GOAT MAN. THAT IS A THING THAT HAPPENED AND THERE ARE NO TAKEBACKS NO MATTER HOW MANY VOICEMAILS I LEAVE FOR MELVIN TELLING HIM I DON’T LIKE THAT. I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE YAHWEH GOD’S CHOSEN CHAMPION BUT I THINK MAYBE YAHWEH GOD GOT CONFUSED BECAUSE I AM THE GOAT BUT REZIN IS A GOAT AND SOME WIRES GOT CROSSED IN JEWISH HEAVEN.
BOY I AM A FRUSTRATED SCOTT.
AT FIRST I FELT REALLY BAD FOR MYSELF AND WONDERED WHY YAHWEH GOD HAD ABANDONED ME AND I GOT MAD THAT I DIDN’T MAKE A DEAL WITH MORTY TO BE FRIENDS WITH THE DEVIL. THEN I GOT MAD AT THE REFEREE WHO DID NOT SEE THE GOAT BOY CHEAT SOMETIMES IN THE MATCH. THEN I GOT MAD AT MELVIN FOR MAKING ME FIGHT A GOOD GUY ON THE NEXT REVIVAL BUT NOW I AM NOT MAD ANYMORE. BECAUSE JERBOI SCOTT HAS BIG PLANS AND YOU CAN’T KNOW THEM YET CAUSE THEY ARE A BIG SECRET BUT IT IS GOING TO BE GREAT. AND IN THE MEANTIME MELVIN WANTS ME TO FIGHT PASTOR RAY AT REVIVAL THIRTEEN AND I HAVE SOME THINGS TO SAY ABOUT THAT.
PASTOR RAY YOU ARE A REALLY GOOD GUY.
THAT IS WHAT I WOULD SAY IF I WAS DUMB OR A LIAR. THAT IS MY IMPRESSION OF A DUMB LIAR EVERYONE. PASTOR RAY IS NOT EVEN A REAL PASTOR I CHECKED AND THEY SAID HE DOES NOT WORK FOR GOD. HIS DAUGHTER HAS CANCER AND THAT IS VERY SAD BUT THAT DOES NOT MAKE HIM A GOOD MAN IT JUST MAKES HIM A MAN WHO NEEDS A LOT OF MONEY FOR MEDICINE. HOW CAN YOU CALL YOURSELF A BABYFACE PASTOR RAY YOU HAVE AN ELEVEN O’CLOCK SHADOW AND YOU LOOK LIKE YOU ARE THE INSPIRATION FOR THE MAIN CHARACTER IN DEF JAM: FIGHT FOR NORA.
YOU ILLEGAL FIST USING BITCH.
THAT’S RIGHT I KNOW YOUR SECRETS PASTOR RAY I KNOW THAT YOU USED TO FIGHT USING ILLEGAL MUD FISTS. I ALSO HEARD THAT YOU BEAT UP YOUR FRIEND JOHNNY RHINO BEFORE GREAT AMERICAN NIGHTWING WHICH IS A BAD FRIEND I WOULD NEVER PUNCH GREAT BEAR IN THE FACE BECAUSE I AM A REAL GOOD GUY WITH A SMOOTH FACE AND I TREAT MY FRIENDS GREAT. AND GUESS WHAT YOU SO CALLED PASTOR? I JUST READ THE NEWS AND NOTES FOR REVIVAL 12 AND I HEARD THAT YOU PUNCHED OUT A BACKSTAGE WORKER BECAUSE YOU WERE MAD ABOUT EGGS.
BIG MAD EGG PUNCHING WITH ILLEGAL FISTS.
THAT IS NOT WHAT JESUS WOULD DO AND EVEN THOUGH I DO NOT BELIEVE HE IS THE SON OF GOD HE WAS STILL A VERY COOL GUY AND YOU ARE NOT LIKE HIM. JESUS WOULD HAVE TURNED THE OTHER CHEEK AND SAID THANK YOU FOR THE EGGS BUT YOU DON’T LIKE CHICKENS OR PROTEIN OR BEING A GOOD GUY. YOU ARE A BAD MAN PASTOR TROY OR RAY OR WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS AND AT REVIVAL 13 I AM GOING TO PROVE ONCE AND FOR ALL THAT THE POWER OF GOOD AND THE POWER OF EVIL ARE NOT EQUAL.
I LET EVERYONE DOWN LAST WEEK.
I LET MYSELF AND GREAT BEAR AND ALL THE FANS DOWN. I LET DOWN MELVIN AND HIS SECRETARY LINDSAY TROY BECAUSE NOW THEY ARE STUCK WITH A REAL JABRONI FOR A STAR OF DAVID CHAMPION WHO WORKS ON SATURDAYS AND PROBABLY BELIEVES IN SANTA INSTEAD OF LOTS OF CANDLES. I LET EVIL TRIUMPH OVER GOOD AND THAT IS NOT GREAT AND LIKE I SAID PASTOR RAY AT FIRST I WAS ANGRY I HAD TO FIGHT YOU THIS WEEK BUT NOW I UNDERSTAND YAHWEH GOD’S PLAN.
I HAD TO LOSE SO THAT I COULD FIGHT YOU.
YOU WOULD NEVER HAVE GOTTEN A SHOT AT THE STAR OF DAVID TITLE BECAUSE YOU ARE A SO CALLED PASTOR NOT A RABBI AND ALSO BECAUSE YOU ARE A TAG TEAM BOI. SO YAHWEH GOD DELAYED CROWNING ME HIS CHAMPION SO THAT I COULD BEAT UP A FALSE PROPHET ILLEGAL FIST BALD BULLY WHO USES HIS DAUGHTER’S CANCER TO SELL T-SHIRTS WHILE HE BEATS UP HIS FRIENDS AND BACKSTAGE WORKERS. IT IS MY JOB TO RIP OFF YOUR GOOD GUY MASK AND REVEAL YOUR MUSTACHE TO THE WORLD. BUT THAT ISN’T THE ONLY PLAN PASTOR RAY THERE IS ANOTHER PLAN TOO BUT YOU DON’T GET TO KNOW ABOUT THAT YET BECAUSE IT IS A SECRET.
BUT IT IS A GREAT PLAN.
ANYWAY THAT IS ALL I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT PASTOR RAY RIGHT NOW HIS ONLY CHURCH IS THE CHURCH OF ILLEGAL FISTS AND FRIEND PUNCHING AND I AM GOING TO BURN HIS CHURCH DOWN. WAIT NO I MEAN THAT LIKE A METAPHOR I AM NOT LITERALLY GOING TO BURN A CHURCH I AM NOT THAT GUY I PROMISE. I DID NOT MAKE A DEAL WITH THE DEVIL I MADE A DEAL WITH GOD AND I HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A GREAT DAY EXCEPT FOR PASTOR RAY. HE SHOULD REPENT BEFORE YAHWEH GOD AND STOP CALLING HIMSELF A PASTOR AND A GOOD GUY.
I’M GREAT SCOTT AND I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU.
“This is too much meat, Scott Gratesburgh.”
While the words sound monotonous, they are very accurate. This is indeed too much meat. We aren’t talking about a couple of pounds of ground beef, folks— driveway of Morty the Mortician’s lair is filled to capacity with a UHAUL truck with the back opened up, and I’ll be damned if that entire UHAUL isn’t filled to the brim with various meats. Beef, chicken, Turkey, pastrami… look, you know the meats. Use your imagination.
GREAT SCOTT: I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THAT SENTENCE MORTY HOW CAN ANYONE HAVE TOO MUCH MEAT?
His Royal SCOTTNESS carries a giant box of frozen steaks out of the back of the truck, plopping them down onto a handcart in the driveway. It’s the third identical box in a row, all of them filled entirely with premium cuts of only the finest beef.
MORTY: Young Scott, we have but one refrigerator in the lair, and the freezer is currently occupied by my many Lean Cuisines. This bounty will spoil as all perishable meats do, when not properly cooled.
A wide smile spreads across the face of GREAT SCOTT.
GREAT SCOTT: DON’T WORRY MORTY JERBOI HAS YOU COVERED.
He holds up a finger to Morty and pushes a few boxes aside in the truck, revealing four giant metal boxes near the back. They appear to be brand new freezers, nearly as wide as they are tall.
This could not have been a cheap purchase.
Excited as he can be, GREAT SCOTT gestures toward the freezers while jumping up and down inside the truck. It’s the first time he’s looked truly joyful in over a month, with a childlike joy in his eyes.
GREAT SCOTT: WE ARE LIKE ARBYS NOW MORTY WE HAVE THE MEATS AND ALSO WE HAVE PLACES TO KEEP THE MEATS. NOW WE WILL ALL GET GOOD PROTEIN AND GREAT BEAR WILL GET ENOUGH MEAT IN HIS DIET BECAUSE HE IS A SEVEN HUNDRED POUND BEAR AND HE CANNOT LIVE ON JUST GOVERNMENT CHEESE HE WILL DIE.
Morty scratches his head, taking the whole thing in with a look of befuddlement on his face. Ever have so many questions about something that you don’t even know where to start? This is where the Dark Lord is currently trapped— in a world filled with unending questions.
A world filled with ALL THE MEAT.
MORTY: Scott, how did—
GREAT SCOTT: THE DEVIL IS IN THE DETAILS MORTY AND UNLIKE YOU I AM NOT FRIENDS WITH THE DEVIL NO OFFENSE. I NEEDED A LOT OF MEAT AND GOD GAVE ME THE RESOURCES TO GET A LOT OF MEAT. AND GOD NEVER GIVES YOU MORE THAN YOU CAN HANDLE WHICH MEANS WE CAN DEFINITELY HANDLE ALL OF THIS MEAT.
MORTY: That’s what she said?
GREAT SCOTT: NO MORTY IT WAS ME GREAT SCOTT AND I AM NOT A LADY. PLEASE HELP ME WITH ALL THIS MEAT IT IS VERY HOT OUT AND I DO NOT WANT THE MEAT TO MELT.
He hops down from the truck, handing a box to Morty and grabbing the hand truck. He quickly rolls it toward the garage door of the lair, getting it out of the way so that he can bring in the freezers.
Morty looks down at the frozen box in his hand, still taken aback by this sudden turn of events. He doesn’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth— with this haul, they’ll eat like kings for a long time. But where did it come from? Where did GREAT SCOTT procure the funds? Will the breakers within the lair even support four additional freezers? Most of all, why was SCOTT in such a good mood? Meat gains aside, he’d just lost the biggest match of his career, on one of the biggest stages. He’d openly turned down a deal with the devil, and now he was a failure in the eyes of everyone who saw him get beat clean by REZIN at Revival 12.
He should be devastated.
Why isn’t he devastated?
Morty grunts, carrying the box toward the garage as GREAT SCOTT pushed the empty hand cart back toward the UHAUL. He immediately begins shoveling more boxes onto the cart, whistling a tune all the while. He’s happy. Too happy, for a man who just had his dreams crushed on live television.
Morty the Mortician steps back into the sunlight… admittedly not his favorite activity. Hands on his hips, he stares at the happy, smiling SCOTT, letting a long sigh escape him.
MORTY: Scott Gratesburgh, I must know how you obtained the bounty before us, and the cold storage units in which it shall be kept. I may be a servant of the Dark Lord, but I cannot have a felonious amount of ill-gotten meats within the confines of my lair. That would be a violation of my parole.
He plops down on the handcart full of boxes, keeping SCOTT from topping it off as he awaits a response. Our hero smiles, slapping Morty on the back and rubbing his shoulder reassuringly.
GREAT SCOTT: I WOULD NEVER STEAL MORTY DO YOU SEE HOW SMOOTH MY FACE IS? I AM NOT LIKE MUSTACHE PETE OR JOKER SANCTUS OR PASTOR RAY I AM A MAN OF GOD. I TOLD YOU THAT GOD HAS A PLAN FOR ME AND THAT PLAN ALSO INVOLVED HIM GIVING ME A LOT OF MONEY SO THAT I COULD FEED GREAT BEAR.
Scooting Morty aside, GREAT SCOTT loads the last box onto the handcart, rolling it away into the undead garage. The servant of the Dark Lord furrows his brow, calling out to his client as he walks away.
MORTY: You procured… money… from your “Yahweh God”, SCOTT Gratesburgh?
With a laugh, the master of the SCOTTACANRANA turns back and gives Morty a wink. He has the oddest smile on his face.
GREAT SCOTT: NO, MORTY. THAT’S NOT WHAT I SAID. I SAID I MADE A DEAL WITH… GOD.
He disappears into the garage, again leaving Morty with more questions than answers. Shaking his head, the Dark One reaches into the truck and grabs another box. As he pulls it down off the UHAUL, though, something catches his eye.
He drops the box in shock, reading the label.
MORTY: Oh my Satan… Young Scott, what have you done?
As it collided with the hot pavement, the top of the box opens and reveals its contents. Morty recoils backward, hardly
It’s a box full of… ham.
HEY GUYS IT’S ME AGAIN GREAT SCOTT.
SORRY IF I SEEMED GROUCHY IN MY FIRST PROMO I WAS HANGRY AND CONSTIPATED BECAUSE I WAS EATING MOSTLY CHEESE AND PASTOR RAY RUINED CATERING FOR EVERYONE AT REVIVAL BECAUSE HE IS EGG TRIGGERED. I NOW HAVE A BELLY FULL OF MEAT AND I AM FEELING MUCH BETTER. GREAT BEAR KEEPS SMILING AT ME NOW AND A SMILING BEAR IS LOW KEY TERRIFYING BUT I AM GLAD TO SEE HIM HAPPY INSTEAD OF HUNGRY.
FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE I HAD MY IDENTITY AND ALL MY NFTS STOLEN BY TREACHEROUS TRENT I AM FINALLY FEELING EXCITED AND HOPEFUL ABOUT THE FUTURE. SOON I WILL BE ABLE TO MOVE OUT OF MORTY’S LAIR AND HAVE REAL EQUIPMENT TO WORK OUT ON AGAIN AND GREAT BEAR WILL EVEN GET NEW SWEET BEATS BY DRE HEADPHONES AND I WILL BE THE CHAMPION IN NO TIME AT ALL. I AM GOING TO BEAT PASTOR RAY AT REVIVAL AND THEN REZIN I AM COMING FOR YOU. I WILL BE AT EVERY SHOW. AROUND EVERY CORNER. I WILL STAND TOO CLOSE TO YOU AT THE URINAL AND EAT EVERY LAST SLICE OF PIZZA IN THE BOX WHEN YOU ARE HUNGRY. I WILL BE EVERYWHERE AND I HAVE THE TOOLS AND THE CONFIDENCE TO BEAT YOU THIS TIME YOU STUPID GOAT.
AND I OWE IT ALL TO GOD.
NOT YAHWEH GOD. HE WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS BUT NONE OF THOSE WAYS GIVE YOU ENOUGH MONEY TO FEED A SEVEN HUNDRED POUND BEAR. I AM TALKING ABOUT THE GOD WHO PUT FOOD ON MY TABLE AND LOVE IN MY HEART. THE GOD WHO TOLD ME THAT YAHWEH GOD AND PRIMETIME WRESTLING HAVE NOT BEEN TAKING GOOD CARE OF ME BUT HE PROMISED ME THAT IF I FOLLOW HIM THAT HE WILL MAKE ME A CHAMPION AND GREAT BEAR WILL NEVER GO HUNGRY AGAIN.
HE IS THE GOD OF HOT V.
JERBOI SIGNED A PWA CONTRACT.
HAVE A GREAT FUCKING DAY.