Hi everyone, I hope you’re having a great day.
Just a little lighthearted introduction for you there, obviously I am not the man you expected to be speaking at the beginning of this wrestling promo. In fact, I’m only now realizing that even though you hear from me every two weeks or so, you probably have no idea who I am. And you know, I’m not entirely certain either, so let’s just start off with the things I know for sure to be true.
My name is Dave.
And I am a god.
Not Yahweh God, or Pirate God, or a wizened old man with a long, flowing beard. Just a plain old omniscient God. I can see things that can’t be seen. Hear things that can’t be heard. You’ve been hearing my voice in your head for months now, roughly every two weeks.
See, I’m a narrator.
More specifically, I’m the narrator of a man named Scott Gratesburgh, or as you know him, JERBOI GREAT SCOTT. I don’t know what my voice sounds like to you, cause it sounds a little different to everyone, but the lion’s share of folks seem to describe it as soft spoken and a little bit Canadian, specifically the Toronto area.
And now you do too.
You’re welcome, bud.
Anyway, I’m gonna keep this short because it’s technically a giant violation of Narrator Code to even be having this conversation with you. I am putting both my job and my very existence on the line to communicate this message, so please take heed— events have been set into motion that, if not stopped, endanger the very fabric of the entire GREAT SCOTT EXTENDED UNIVERSE. Something happens at ULTRAVIOLENCE. Something that can’t be allowed to happen. I can’t tell you any more than that right now, and I know that he’s been a naughty boy as of late, but without your help…
…GREAT SCOTT is going to die.
HI EVERYONE IT’S ME JERBOI.
WHOA WHY DOES EVERYONE LOOK SO FREAKED OUT RIGHT NOW? IS IT MY FREAKISHLY LARGE ARMS? I HAVE BEEN WORKING OUT A LOT AND DRINKING A LOT OF LIQUID STRONKUMMS SO PLEASE DO NOT BE ALARMED. THIS IS JUST WHAT PERFECTION LOOKS LIKE AND YOU ARE NOT USED TO SEEING IT BECAUSE YOU SPEND A LOT OF TIME LOOKING IN MIRRORS AND TAKING SELFIES.
OKAY THAT WAS MEAN I’M SORRY.
ANYWAY I HOPE YOU ARE HAVING A GREAT DAY SO FAR EVEN THOUGH YOU ALL LOOK LIKE YOU HAVE SEEN A SWOLE GHOST. ME I AM GREAT. I JUST BEAT A GUY NAMED FRANK AND RETAINED MY HOT VEE TITLE AND HIS TWO FRIENDS DYLAN AND JAMES WERE SO AFRAID OF MY GREATNESS THAT THEY NEVER EVEN SHOWED UP FOR THE HANDICAPPED MATCH SO NOW I AM GOING INTO ULTRONVIOLENCE WITH THE HOT VEE BELT AND IT IS CHAMPION VERSUS CHAMPION. JUST FOR HIS BELT THOUGH. NOT FOR MY BELT. THAT BELT IS MINE AND BECAUSE I AM PETTY AYYY EFFF AND BECAUSE LINDSAY HAS BELT FEAR I WILL NOT DEFEND IT AGAINST MY NEMESIS.
YES YOU HEARD ME RAISIN.
YOU ARE MY GODDAMNED NEMESIS.
IT USED TO BE TREACHEROUS TRENT BECAUSE HE STOLE MY IDENTITY AND LEFT ME SCARY CLOSE TO SUCKING DICK FOR FOOD BUT NOW IT IS YOU BECAUSE I WANT TO BE THE STAR OF DAVID CHAMPION MORE THAN I WANT TO NOT SUCK DICK FOR FOOD. I WOULD HAPPILY SLOB A COUNTRY MILE OF KNOBS TO TAKE YOUR TITLE FROM YOU BUT I WOULD RATHER JUST BEAT YOU AND BECOME THE CHAMPION. I AM A FUCKING SUPLEX MASTER. I KNOW SO MANY SUPLEXES. THINK ABOUT HOW MANY SUPLEXES YOU THINK YOU KNOW AND THEN GO FUCK YOURSELF BECAUSE I KNOW MORE OF THEM.
YOU ARE RATFUCKED SIR.
LITTLE RAISIN ASS GOAT FACED BITCH I AM LOADED UP ON LIQUID STRONKUMMS AND I DO NOT FORGIVE OR FORGET I JUST REMEMBER HARDER AND DO VIOLENCE. THE LAST TIME WE FACED OFF YOU CHEATED AND THE REFEREE DIDN’T SEE IT. YOU STOLE THAT TITLE RAISIN IT DOESN’T BELONG TO YOU. AND THE REASON YOU ARE MY NEMESIS IS THE SAME REASON I DECIDED TO BECOME A BAD GUY.
BECAUSE IT WAS MORE THAN A TITLE.
THAT WAS MY MOMENT.
I WORKED SO HARD FOR THAT MATCH. I BEAT NATE COLTON AND ALIMONY THE MAGE OF MUSIC FOR THAT MATCH. I FOUGHT MY WAY UP THE RANKINGS AND WON MATCHES THAT NOBODY EXPECTED ME TO WIN AND I WAS UNDEFEATED. THAT WAS MY MOMENT AND MY TIME AND THAT ENTIRE CROWD WAS SCREAMING MY NAME AND DOING THE GREAT SCOTT. AND WHAT DID TOU DO RAISIN?
YOU CHEATED AND NO ONE EVEN CARED. NO ONE CAME OUT TO HELP. NO ONE WENT TO MELVIN’S SECRETARY LINDSAY AND SAID “HEY RAISIN GOAT CHEATED AND THE REFEREE DIDN’T SEE IT”. NO ONE DEMANDED A REMATCH. AND YOU JUST WALKED OUT OF THAT ARENA WITH A BELT YOU DIDN’T EARN AND EVERYONE TALKED ABOUT HOW COOL YOU WERE AND HOW TOU WON A HARD FOUGHT MATCH.
AND NOW YOU ARE ON TV EVERY WEEK TRYING TO LOOK LIKE A NICE GUY AND OFFERING GREAT BEAR FISH AND HONEY AND OFFERING THE CROWD BULLSHIT LIKE YOU DID NOT CHEAT. YOU TOOK MY STREAK AND MY MOMENT AND MY TITLE AND THEN YOU OFFER ME FUCKING HONEY?
THAT WAS THE MOMENT.
THAT WAS WHEN I KNEW.
THAT IS WHEN I SMACKED PASTOR RAY WITH THOSE SWEET BEATS BY DRE HEADPHONES AND DID HEADPHONE MURDER. BECAUSE IF I WORKED HARD ALL THAT TIME TO EARN SOMETHING IN PRIMETIME AND ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS CHEAT THEN WHY DID HAVING A MOMENT EVEN MATTER. WHY DID WORKING HARD EVEN MATTER?
SO THERE IS YOUR SCOOP MARKS.
PLEASE DONATE $1 TO MELVIN.
I GREW A SWEET BLONDE GOATEE BECAUSE HAVING A BABY’S FACE DOES NOT MEAN ANYTHING. YOU CHEATED TO BEAT ME AND NOW THEY ARE CHEERING FOR YOU. YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE DICKHEAD SCUMBAG PIECE OF SHIT TRAILER PARK FUCKASS WITH A STUPID FACE AND ANYBODY WHO IS A FAN OF YOU IS NOT A FRIEND OF MINE AND AT ULTRONVIOLENCE I AM GOING TO BEAT THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF YOU. I AM GOING TO BECOME THE STAR OF DAVID CHAMPION AND THEN USE IT AS A PLACEMAT FOR A HAM SANDWICH ON A SATURDAY BECAUSE FUCK YAHWEH GOD AND FUCK YOU.
I HAVE A STORY TO GET TO NOW SO EVERYONE HAVE A GREAT DAY. JUST KIDDING YOU CAN ALL GO FUCK YOURSELVES. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU. BECAUSE YOU PRETENDED TO BELIEVE IN ME EVERY WEEK BUT YOU WERE ALL A BUNCH OF LIARS AND FAIRWEATHER FRIENDS.
I’M GREAT SCOTT.
I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU.
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN OUT OF STOCK?”
The expression on his face meanders back and forth between rage and fear, as GREAT SCOTT yells helplessly into the mouthpiece of his iPhone. The barren insides of a housebus refrigerator stares back at him, literally not so much as a bottle of ketchup inside.
Hey guys, Dave here again, eh.
Don’t forget what we talked about. Complete and total destruction of the entire GREAT SCOTT EXTENDED UNIVERSE is looming, and I’m still physically incapable of telling you the exact cause. All I can tell you is that it happens at ULTRAVIOLENCE… I have so many timelines in my head and it’s hard to keep them all straight. But he definitely dies after ULTRAVIOLENCE if we don’t do something to help him.
IT HAPPENS IF HE LOSES!
Wait, no. That doesn’t sound right. Maybe it happens if he wins? Shit. Now that sounds wrong, too. I don’t remember. It’s one of the two for sure. He either only lives if he wins… or he definitely dies if he wins. Fuck. This is bad. I’ll think about it really hard and get back to you by the end of the story. I promise. For now, I have to finish narrating or GREAT SCOTT will just be standing there gawking at an empty fridge for eternity.
GREAT SCOTT: JACE PEE DEE THIS IS LIFE OR DEATH OKAY I AM COMPLETELY OUT OF LIQUID STRONKUMMS AND I HAVE TO THROAT PUNCH A GOAT AND ALSO BEAT UP BOBBY DEAN THIS WEEKEND. IT IS A LOT OKAY YOU CANNOT JUST BE OUT OF LIQUID STRONKUMMS THAT IS ILLEGAL.
He listens intently to the other side of the phone call, nodding his head along but not looking at all relieved of his RAGEFEAR. Normally, GREAT SCOTT is not yelling— he’s speaking quickly and loudly, like a toddler. His mother had always told him that it was impolite to yell and then she was murdered by the mafia, so he’d always followed that advise. Until now.
Because today, he is absolutely screaming.
GREAT SCOTT: I DO NOT CARE ABOUT HOW THE CHINESE SUPPLY THEIR CHAINS JACE. SHUT UP ABOUT CHINESE CHAIN SUPPLIES. I HAVE ENTIRELY RUN OUT OF LIQUID STRONKUMMS AND I CAN LITERALLY FEEL MY ARMS BEING LESS SWOLE. DO YOU WANT ME TO BE LESS SWOLE JACE BECAUSE I AM BECOMING LESS SWOLLEN BY THE MINUTE.
His chest is heaving, the anxiety ripping through his veins in the absence of the steroid-infused energy drink made from questionable meat. Is this what kills him? Is it the STRONKUMMS? I don’t want to commit to that, mostly because if I’m wrong it opens me up to a nightmare’s worth of defamation lawsuits from STRONKUMMS and I hear they’re very litigious.
ALLEGEDLY! ALLEGEDLY LITIGIOUS!
Look, I really can’t remember what this event is, so I really need you guys to be on the lookout. Falling pianos. Rogue gunmen. A manhole cover that is loose. If GREAT SCOTT dies after Ultraviolence, the entire GREAT SCOTT EXTENDED UNIVERSE goes with him. No more GREAT BEAR. No more Morty the Mortician. No more Dave the Narrator, and I have a pretty vested interest in making sure that our hero doesn’t fucking die, okay? But now he’s doing things, and I have to narrate them, and we’ve covered this.
Please. Don’t let him die.
Looking around the room, GREAT SCOTT is dismayed at the scene. Hundreds, yes, hundreds of empty cans litter the floor of THE GREAT ESCAPE, over an entire month’s supply reduced to non-recyclable aluminium over just the course of a week. The HOTv Champion feels his voice catch in his throat, trying to stave off a panic attack and bursting out the door of the house bus into the parking lot.
GREAT SCOTT: JACE PARKOUR JAMISON I WANT YOU TO LISTEN TO ME AND I WANT YOU TO LISTEN GOOD. THERE IS A SUPERSHOW CALLED ULTRONVIOLENCE IN JUST A COUPLE OF DAYS AND I HAVE A CHANCE TO BECOME A DOUBLE CHAMPION JUST LIKE YOU. I KEEP SAYING THAT I AM A PWA MEGASTAR AND NO ONE BELIEVES ME BUT IF I CAN WIN TWO BELTS LIKE YOU THEN THEY WILL RESPECT ME AND BELIEVE IN ME AND MAYBE I WILL HAVE FRIENDS AGAIN. I HAVE DONE SOME PRETTY BAD STUFF JACE AND I KNOW THAT LIQUID STRONKUMMS IS NOT GOOD SPORTSMANSHIP AND IT IS CHEATING AND IT IS NOT BY ANY STRETCH OF THE IMAGINATION FDA APPROVED BUT I NEED IT. I NEED THIS. PLEASE. YOU HAVE TO FIND ME SOME. I HAVE TO BEAT RAISIN.
The emotional levies have held back as much as they can, and now they begin to break right here in the parking lot of the MGM Grand. Feelings pour out onto the pavement in a riptide, washing away all the gravel beneath as GREAT SCOTT literally drops to his knees, phone in hand, looking toward the sky. When you spend as much time looking for a god as GREAT SCOTT has, you start to find them everywhere you look.
Jace Parkour Jamison wasn’t exactly a god.
But he held the keys to the nectar of one.
GREAT SCOTT: JACE I DON’T WANT TO BE A LOSER. PLEASE HELP ME. I NEED TO GET BIG AND STRONK AND BE TWO CHAMPIONS AT THE SAME TIME. OKAY I HAVE BEEN MAKING EXCUSES AND SAYING I WAS DOING THIS ALL FOR GREAT BEAR AND THAT IS PARTIALLY TRUE BUT I ADMIT IT I AM SELFISH. I WANT TO BE A REAL MEGASTAR AND STOP JUST TELLING PEOPLE I AM A MEGASTAR. I WANT TO BE LOVED BY EVERYONE BUT THEY DO NOT LOVE ME RIGHT NOW SO I AM BEING ANGRY AT THEM INSTEAD. I AM LASHING OUT JACE. PLEASE GET ME STEROIDS.
The voice on the other end of the phone gives pause, and then clearly the sound of stifled laughter. The Dark Lord himself would not have been as dangerous to GREAT SCOTT as a man like Jace Parker Davidson, but LARGE DADDY SCOTT nods solemnly and with hope, taking in every word he hears.
GREAT SCOTT: OKAY JACE THANK YOU. REALLY. THANK YOU SO MUCH. I WILL TAKE WHATEVER YOU CAN SPARE JUST PLEASE HELP ME OUT.
Listening intently for another moment, SCOTT exhales a sigh of relief and tucks his phone into his singlet. Immediately, the pangs of anxiety begin to wash away, as the world returns to full living color around him. He stares out at the marquee on the building in front of him– a poster for the PRIME Universal Championship match between Cancer Jiles and Julian Bathory.
Two bad guys.
Two bad guys, fighting over a title that was just forfeited by a bad guy, who won it from the single greatest babyface in the history of wrestling. Nate Colton wasn’t fighting for the Universal Title. Hayes Hanlon wasn’t main eventing the pay-per-view. And before he shaved his hair and grew his goatee, GREAT SCOTT wasn’t even scheduled to be a part of the card. It was almost funny.
GREAT GRANDPA had always told him that good would triumph over evil, and that was before his heart was attacked by mafia ninjas while GREAT SCOTT was in rehab, so he had really taken that advice with him. But staring up at that billboard, SCOTT can’t help but feel like it’s all been a bunch of bullshit. His parents were never murdered by the mafia. His grandfather probably just had a regular old heart attack. And good didn’t always triumph over evil. Look at that banner. Look at the faces on it. Look how they earned that main event. He can feel his fists clench in a righteous rage, the blonde hair in his goatee tickling his upper lip.
A little bit more LIQUID STRONKUMMS couldn’t hurt.
…what’s it gonna do, kill him?
ONE CAN A DAY.
SORRY FOLKS THAT PROBABLY SOUNDED LIKE I WAS GOING SOMEWHERE BUT I AM JUST REMINDING MYSELF WHAT MY FRIEND JACE PEEDEE SAID WHEN HE DROPPED OFF MY LIQUID STROKUMMS WHICH IS AVAILABLE NOW VIA THE INTERNET AND ONLY THE INTERNET PENDING LEGISLATION. HE GAVE ME JUST ENOUGH CANS TO MAKE IT TO ULTRONVIOLENCE WITHOUT GETTING SOMETHING HE CALLS “THE SHAKES” AND HE MADE ME PROMISE TO ONLY DRINK ONE CAN A DAY.
IT’S SO GOOD THOUGH.
WHY DIDN’T ANYONE THINK OF A MEAT BASED ENERGY DRINK BEFORE ESPECIALLY ONE WITH STEROIDS? I HAVE A LOT OF MEAT STILL IN A FREEZER IN MORTY’S GARAGE BUT YOU HAVE TO THAW IT AND COOK IT AND THEN EAT IT WITH A FORK. I CAN POP A CAN OF LIQUID STRONKUMMS AND HAVE A BELLY FULL OF MEAT AND STEROIDS IN LESS TIME THAN IT TAKES TO SAY “I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL RAISIN AT ULTRAVIOLENCE” AND THAT IS TRUE I TIMED IT MYSELF.
ANYWAY I WILL LEAVE YOU WITH THIS.
WHEN I CAME TO PRIMETIME WRESTLING I WAS REALLY EXCITED TO BE PART OF ONE OF THE COOLEST WRESTLING COMPANIES IN THE WORLD. I USED TO BE IN OCW AND THEY PAID ME OKAY AND THEY LET ME WRESTLE BUT I WAS MOSTLY A JOKE. AND I KNEW THAT I WAS A JOKE. I ALWAYS HOPED THAT I COULD BE MORE AND I TOOK A FEW YEARS OFF TO TRAIN AND WORK REALLY HARD. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? IT WORKED. WHEN MELVIN HIRED ME TO WORK FOR PRIMETIME IT FELT LIKE THE WORLD WAS BRIGHT AGAIN. LIKE I HAD A FUTURE. EVERYONE WAS SO NICE AND SO WELCOMING AND SO POSITIVE. SO I I KEPT WORKING REALLY HARD AND WINNING MATCHES IN THIS NEW WORLD THAT FELT FAIR. I THOUGHT I WAS CLOSE TO LIVING MY DREAMS. I THOUGHT THAT MAYBE EVERYTHING WAS GOING TO PAY OFF.
I THINK MAYBE I WAS WRONG.
NOT ABOUT LIVING MY DREAMS. FUCK YOU. I’M GOING TO LIVE MY DREAMS AND I AM GOING TO BECOME THE STAR OF DAVID CHAMPION AND IF I AM WRONG THEN ALL THE GODS CAN STRIKE ME DEAD. NO WHAT I WAS WRONG ABOUT WAS PRIMETIME WRESTLING. THIS PLACE IS NOT POSITIVE. THIS PLACE IS NOT WELCOMING. THIS PLACE IS NOT NICE. IT IS FULL OF BAD GUYS AND MANAGEMENT DOES NOT STOP THEM WHEN THEY CHEAT OR WHEN THEY DO MURDER TO A UNIVERSAL CHAMPION. IT DOES NOT PUNISH THEM IT JUST GIVES THEM A PAY PER VIEW MAIN EVENT. PRIMETIME WRESTLING IS NOT A BABYFACE. IT IS NOT A GOOD GUY. IT HAS A MUSTACHE THICKER THAN I WILL EVER BE ABLE TO GROW AND AT ULTRONVIOLENCE WHEN I WIN THE STAR OF DAVID CHAMPIONSHIP I AM GOING TO DO SOMETHING THAT PHIL ATKEN SHOULD HAVE DONE BEFORE A BUNCH OF BAD GUYS TURNED HIM INTO GLUE.
I AM GOING TO TAKE THIS TITLE TO OCTANE WRESTLING.
AND IT IS GOING TO BE GREAT.