Private: Hoyt Williams
You’re welcome. That’s all Hoyt wanted to type back to a thankful Anglo Luchador. Surely the masked man would send Hoyt a thank you letter for graciously allowing him to toss our savior out of the rumble. You see Hoyt saw TAL backstage before the show moping around and felt sorry for the imperfect man, so in order to restore some of his lost confidence he purposely let TAL toss him out of the rumble. It’s just the kind of thing celestial millennials do.
Hoyt scrolls his e-mails franticly looking for the “Thank You” but all he can find is junk mail for garbage a savior would never buy, and scam fishing attempts made by amateur charlatans way out of Hoyt’s league. The son of man takes a sip of his vanilla Earl Grey tea, spiked with a heavy pour of crème, and a dash of almond bitters as his finger rolls the mouse wheel.
Methuselah the patron saint of cats jumps upon Hoyt’s laptop aiming her asshole directly in his face. Hoyt blows on it to annoy her as the cat turns and looks back at him with a glare of dismissiveness. The kind of contemptuous evil eye one would shoot a trio of Jehovah witnesses ringing the doorbell during dinner.
Hoyt Williams: Come on Meth I’m not in the mood. We’ll play later.
The cat ducks her head and rolls over the keyboard exposing her tummy. A tactic known amongst the feline realm as one of the greatest attention traps one can use on a human. The super soft belly hair sends a signal to the human brain forcing them to pet.
Hoyt Williams: Honey you are pushing all the buttons on my laptop. Darn it!
Hoyt gently pushes the cat’s head out of the way noticing she’s somehow pushed some magic keyboard combination that has resized his email font to be giant.
Hoyt Williams: Oh, wonderful now I’m going to have to spend the next hour trying to search the web for a fix to this resizing issue, when my search explorer is also going to be giant too. Just great. Meth, you screw everything up.
Hoyt pets her belly as she “mews” in victory but not giving the full “meow” effort as a sort of a protest. She thinks about biting him, but forgets, because the tummy pets feel too good. The automatic feeder in the other room dumps dry cat food into a tin reservoir making a clunking noise that to a cat is the sound of Gabriel’s horn. Methuselah jumps up and darts to the food faster than a flash of fire. Meth often leaves a path of destruction, and this was no different as Hoyt attempts to resize his screen by guessing, pushing random buttons while holding down the function key.
Frustrated our savior picks up his cell phone with the intent to text Brother Hypocrisy for help but is distracted by opening the reddit app. Sucked in by a conspiracy theory involving Wheel of Fortune and hypnotic subliminal messages sent by the government, Hoyt loses fifteen minutes of his life.
Hoyt Williams: What the hell was I doing?
Taking a minute to gather his thoughts Hoyt takes another sip of tea. He remembers about the resizing issue when he glares down at his laptop screen, an email catches his eye. He navigates his mouse to scroll the oversized wording reading the emails basically one word at a time. Apparently, Anna Daniels is Hoyt’s first singles opponent in over a decade in PRIME. A historic moment for sure. The savior again picks up his cell phone to text Brother Hypocrisy.
One second past the face recognition password, Hoyt’s finger instinctively goes to Jabber. He reads the nonsense, sips his tea, and tries to think of something witty to say or at least throw a jab at the referee who wears face paint. Unable to come up with a good posting he closes the app, and again ponders why he picked up the phone in the first place. Unable to remember he opens the Instagram app.
Britney Spears does a weird dance half naked and hollow-eyed in what appears to be the foyer of her mansion. Hoyt takes a moment to pray for her as her behavior is concerning to him as he knows the signs of mental illness living a life of it himself. That reminds him to take his medication.
Grabbing the pill bottle on his desk next to the laptop he pops two pills and sips his tea. Back to the phone Hoyt watches as a man with Downs Syndrome wearing an evil genie hat announces he’s about to make air fried avocado chips.
@Chefadamlibby: Salt & Pepper!
Mesmerized by the afflicted man in a chef’s apron Hoyt takes mental note of the quality of the production, and the solid choice of music attached to the reel. What a team this guy must have, Hoyt thinks to himself. The easily distracted savior loses focus, as a boat sails by on Lake Michigan in the window off to the side of his desk.
A thumb flick in an upper motion to the phones screen and Hoyt is spinning the dial on voyeuristic randomness until he stops on a music video a fan made with cuts of Culture Shock set to Lil Uzi Verts, “Just Wanna Rock”. Too many other faces, and not enough Hoyt causes another thumb flick. Hoyt stops again on another chef with Down’s Syndrome.
@Down.rightdelicious: WASH MY DAMN HANDS!
The Pontiff of PRIME observes as the man washes his hands preparing to demonstrate a recipe. The crunch of the cat eating her hard food distracts Hoyt for a moment, there is a knock at the door.
Hoyt Williams: Who’s there?
Our savior shouts at the door as his thumb closes the app.
Muffled Voice: Brother Hypocrisy!
Hoyt Williams: The door is open come on in!
The giant man wearing a creepy mask enters the Chicago penthouse of Hoyt Williams. He’s taken a back for a moment at the view of Lake Michigan behind Hoyt’s desk. The cat still licking her lips from dinner takes note of the giant man entering the apartment before ducking under the couch to gather more intel on this tall stranger.
Hoyt Williams: I was just about to text you! I have a problem.
The big man sits down in a chair in front of Hoyt’s desk holding a manila folder.
Hypocrisy: Anna Daniels? I have all her info here.
Hoyt Williams: No! But I appreciate the information just set that down on the desk. She’s not a problem, just the next person for me to save.
Hoyt Williams: Do you use the gram?
Hypocrisy: The gram?
Hoyt Williams: Instagram, the app!
Hypocrisy: Ohhhhh yea, I do.
Hoyt Williams: I got a problem. You see when I was waiting for the plane out of Texas I watched a video of a man with….
“Your Personal Jesus” searches for the appropriate word. One can’t be too careful in these gotcha times of language policing.
Hoyt Williams: A man with Downs Syndrome cooking up something delicious. It was very well done so I followed a link and ordered a shirt to support him.
Hypocrisy: The softer side of Hoyt Williams!
Our Savior gives Hypocrisy the same glare Hoyt got from the cat when he blew on her asshole.
Hoyt Williams: Rigggght. So anyway, I’m past that moment, and yet now every time I open the app, I get more videos of people with Down’s Syndrome cooking. Now, look, I mean I….ummmm obviously ahh appreciate the beauty of it but sometimes I just want to see…you know…other things. I mean is there a way I can tell Instagram to change the subject?
Hypocrisy cracks a smile but isn’t sure if this is a serious conversation, or not, and doesn’t want to upset his boss.
Hypocrisy: I think there is an option to “see less videos like this”.
Hoyt Williams: Yea?
The eyebrow of the Pontiff of PRIME lifts inquisitively. Hoyt tosses the phone to the giant man who catches it and begins tapping on its screen.
Hypocrisy: Oh sure, you just hit these three little dots and there is an option that says, “Not Interested”. You just hit that button.
Hoyt Williams: Oh really? Can you hit it for me.
The savior pretends like he comprehends what the younger man said but just wants him to do it for him without getting bogged down in the details. The man Hoyt Williams can cure leprosy but sometimes the modern world just doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to him.
Hoyt Williams: I think it’s disgusting that PRIME is hiring more women.
The abrupt shift of conversation catches Hypocrisy off guard.
Hypocrisy: Why’s that?
Hoyt Williams: Because women only make 82% of what men do. If you can’t pay them fully, you shouldn’t pay them at all! So, no doubt that know-it-all Troy is trying to cut costs by underpaying these hard-working ladies like Anna Daniels. You know being the man that I am I think I’m going to only use 82% of my striking abilities. I mean she shouldn’t have to take all 100% of my force if she’s going to make so much less. Kind of a tit for tat trade off if you know what I mean.
The young man in the mask hands the phone back to Hoyt.
Hypocrisy: Are you sure Troy isn’t paying the women better?
The savior of humanity makes a disgusted face as he reaches over for a half-eaten steak left over from his lunch sitting on a blue plate at the edge of the table.
Hoyt Williams: Of course! I bet she pays the women in PRIME even worse than that! It’s repulsive. It’s why I need to straighten things out. I, being a man of the people need to fix these injustices. A real populist!!
Hoyt grabs the Heinz bottle and squeezes out a sea of red on the plate next to the steak. Hoyt then cuts off a nice chunk of meat and dips it in the vinegary goodness. The cat hops on the desk to investigate. Brother Hypocrisy cringes at the ketchup dip.
Hoyt Williams: Hey Siri set a reminder for Monday at 8am to call Cecilworth Farthington about making an investment.
SIRI: I’m sorry I can not set that reminder as you already have a reminder set, “Call fox broadcasting to get Bob’s Burgers Canceled.”
Hoyt Williams: That’s right. Hey Siri, set a reminder for Monday at 9am to call Cecilworth Farthington about making an investment.
SIRI: Your alarm is set.
Another clip of meat soaks in the ketchup before entering Hoyt’s mouth.
Brother Hypocrisy: Do you feel you are ready for your first singles match?
The savior takes a moment to chew his meat as the cat conjures up a plan to steal the rest of the steak, saving it from being destroyed by ketchup.
Hoyt Williams: As a returning veteran I know I make more money. If I’m going to lose a match it should be against somebody who makes more money than me, not less. That’s one of the best indicators of a career in the wrestling profession. If you’re beating people who make more money, you’re doing something right. If you’re losing to people who make less money, then the writings on the wall and things are about to get bad. I feel like I’m physically in shape, and ready to go, but there is always the mental aspect of our sport. I need to win or its going to be a sad reboot and that’s in my head.
The cat makes her move but is foiled by Hoyt’s quick reflexes sticking a fork in the meat. The cat retreats, in an effort to fight another day.
Hoyt Williams: If Meth had its way, I’d be skin and bones.
The two men laugh.
Brother Hypocrisy: I think she’s some kind of time traveler or something.
Hoyt Williams: That Cat? No, she’s Jewish.
Brother Hypocrisy: Not the cat, Anna Daniels.
Hoyt Williams: As a man who has traversed both time and space, I know it’s turtles all the way down. That new age jive talk is nothing but old-world junk to me. Can you imagine trying to get people to believe that you are something other than an ordinary human, like the rest of you all.
Hypocrisy exhibits a slight sly almost ironic grin at the Saviors comments.
Hoyt Williams: Anna is nothing but a child seeking attention trying desperately to hide her fear behind a façade of fabrications while begging the world to see the plastic image she projects. Narcissistic people are drawn to the profession of wrestling because of the audience it provides. Thankfully there are grounded selfless individuals like myself in PRIME! I think that’s why the fans adore me.
Hypocrisy doesn’t blink, nor does the cat. The last bit of steak gets an extra dollop of ketchup as Hoyt really works to scoop up as much as possible.
Hoyt Williams: Do you have the randomizer ready for our segment before the match?
Hypocrisy: I got a big one! It’s the standard gold model with large balls to choose from. I borrowed it from the local VFW hall. They use it for bingo.
The Ketchup loving man of the people frowns.
Hoyt Williams: It’s a shame we have to use one that also doubles for the criminal activity of elderly gambling. So, mote it be. Let’s have some fun with it. Let’s write the names of every roster member on the balls, but let’s get creative. Like Brandon Youngblood’s ball should be smaller. You know a little jock-u-lent humor for the fans. Maybe Ivan’s ball can be red, and Nate Colton’s can be blue because you know that guy isn’t making relations looking like he does. You can have one with a beard and two side landing strips for Nova. Get the creative team on it I want some rating grabbing quotable quotes. Late night television quality nonsense.
Hypocrisy: We’ll get to work on that.
Hoyt Williams: Yea, I really want to deliver a solid sermon on ACE before my big return match. I want to select my next feud for the big Pay-Per-View using the randomizer. You know a lot of old fans will be tuning in to witness my in-ring return. I’m not going to lie to you but in the heavens, this is BIGGER than easter. In the future Hallmark is going to start printing cards, and fat people will be finding excuses to eat chocolate eggs filled with sugars and marshmallows shaped like my face coated in sugar, to commemorate this day. “Hoyt’s PRIME Return Day” will probably have family gatherings and parades with giant cartoon balloons. Just not any of the Bob’s Burger one’s as that’s sacrilegious.
The prophet picks up the plate and licks up what’s left of the ketchup. Hypocrisy is wide eyed but says nothing, the cat judges silently.
Hoyt Williams: Soo ahhh I think we’re done here. Let’s see, we fixed the handicap chef issue on Instagram. We solved fairness in equity by vowing to only hit 82% as hard. I made an appointment with the “Financier”. We went over Anna Daniels, so that I can go over Anna Daniels. We ahhh what else? Oh yea, we got the randomizer. You’re going to work on the roster’s balls with creative.
Hoyt gives a single clap in completion. The cat darts to another room being startled by the suddenness of the noise.
Hoyt Williams: Oh, did we cover transportation to the show?
Our savior scratches his head before grabbing some dental floss.
Hoyt Williams: I was going to have you book a helicopter, but I think I’m just going to Uber. Ugh but those people always want to talk….ok it’s fine I’ll take an Uber.
Hypocrisy starts to get up to leave but pauses as Hoyt interrupts the motion with his hands as he ties floss around his two pointer fingers.
Hoyt Williams: You know what? No. I mean I don’t need a helicopter but how about you rent a car and come pick me up.
The Pontiff flicks a piece of meat out from a tooth wedge as he unwraps the floss from his fingers.
Hypocrisy: That works.
The apprentice and head of security for Hoyt Williams again starts to get up, and this time succeeds. Hoyt gives him a hardy handshake and smile. Out of the corner of his eye Hypocrisy notices a few past due bills from Duke’s health care facility on Hoyt’s desk. The young man says nothing as his boss ushers him out.
Hoyt Williams: Have a fruitful day!
The cat yawns.