Hoyt’s Way: Reductio Ad Absurdum

“There’s a road I’d like to tell you about, lives in my home town
Lake Shore Drive, the road is called and it’ll take you up or down
From rats on up to riches, fifteen minutes you can fly
Pretty blue lights along the way, help you right on by
And the blue lights shining with a heavenly grace, help you right on by

And there ain’t no road just like it
Anywhere I found
Running south on Lake Shore Drive heading into town
Just slippin’ on by on LSD, Friday night trouble bound”

‘Lake Shore Drive’ by Aliotta, Haynes, & Jeremiah (1971)

“DAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNNNNN”

Lil Uzi Vert’s “Just Wanna Rock” blasts through the speakers of the Limo.  Tinted views of Chicago’s cold, grey, concrete jungle, pass by out the side windows.  Sitting in the back seat is Hoyt Williams who is dressed in an all-white Brunello Cucinelli wool and cashmere tweed leisure suit.  It’s just the right amount of warmth on this cool Chicago day, especially heading near the lake front.

Brother Privilege:  We’re going to be late if this traffic doesn’t lighten up.

Hoyt Williams: You need to lighten up.  Always so stressed it’s bad for your heart.

The only true “Pontiff of Prime” holds a Chicago style Hot Dog in his left hand as he carefully squeezes red gold from the plastic Heinz ketchup bottle with his right.  This is the classic Hoyt Dog.  The savior doesn’t add too much making sure none drips onto his suit like an old hotdog maestro steaming up a masterpiece.

Hoyt Williams: Sorry I was running late; I had a lot to do this morning.

The savior adjusts his biblical nut sack as he amends his sitting position.

Brother Privilege:  Training?

“Your Personal Jesus “takes a bite of his hotdog.  From its encased meats to its politicians, Chicago is easily summed up by the phrase: “Lips and assholes”.  The savior chews before answering his Lawyers question.

Hoyt Williams: No, a ‘Law & Order’ Marathon on the USA network.    Young Benson.  Meow.

The giant lawyer and minister of media for the savior seems a bit irked by Hoyt’s apathy to other people’s time.  God’s Champion doesn’t notice, as he watches out the window as businesspeople scurry down State Street in the financial district.  The limo passes in front of the (Willis) Sears Tower.   Chicago despite all its corruption still managed to give the world its first skyscraper in 1884. Then in 1974 the Sears Tower became the crown jewel of its skyline.

Hoyt Williams: Have you ever been to the top of the Sears Tower?

Brother Privilege:  No.

Hoyt Williams: The elevator is faster than you would think, and your ears pop like you’re on a plane.

Our hero’s face beams with childlike exuberance.

Brother Privilege:  For like twenty years or so, hasn’t it been called the Willis tower?  I mean that’s how I know it.

Hoyt Williams: Whatcha talking about Willis?

‘The Different Strokes’ reference floats over the young lawyers’ head as he no sells Hoyt’s “Arnold” impersonation.  From 1973 and for almost 25 years the Sears tower was the largest building in the world tickling the bottom of the feet of the God’s.  Chicago always had a perverse sense of humor.

Hoyt Williams: I remember going there as a kid on a school field trip.  It was something to go to the top of the tallest building in the world!   Now it’s like the 26^th tallest building, most of the big ones are in the middle east.  Do you think they still take kids to the top on field trips?  I would think not, if it’s not even in the top ten anymore.

Buildings, nations, Cultures and even wrestling stars all rise and fall with the progress of time.   No matter how far you shoot upwards nothing remains at the top forever.  You’re always faded down the list until you’re replaced.  It’s just how the world works.  Brother Privilege knows this, and it’s unclear if he’s here to help keep Hoyt high upon a list, or find a way to replace him.

Brother Privilege (annoyed):  I don’t know.

God’s champion uses a napkin to wipe his mouth and hands as he finishes the Hoyt Dog.

Hoyt Williams: Ya know BP, I’m very happy with the work you’ve done since joining up with me.  Today Jean-Baptiste Pointe DuSable Lake Shore Drive shall be renamed “Hoyt’s Way” LSD and you made that happen.  People driving recklessly around the shores of Lake Michigan will forever know my name, and my contributions, to this great city.  When people think of Chicago, they always think of Hoyt Williams.  What an honor.  I just want you to know, it isn’t going unnoticed.

The young man has an expression of pride upon his face that’s hard to describe but known instantly when seen.

Brother Privilege:  It’s my privilege.

Hoyt grins as the limo stops at its destination near a closed off entry road to Lake Shore Drive.  A small podium is set up with some city dignitaries, press, a small crowd seated in front of it.  A satin cloth covers the new street sign in predictable suspense.

Brother Privilege: There is the Alderman who made this happen, Lomas Tombs. He goes by Loomy.

Hoyt Williams: Loomy Tombs?  That’s all folks.

The wrestlers Porky the Pig impersonation again misses the mark with the younger lawyer or for that matter anyone with good taste. The savior looks out the window towards where the lawyer is pointing, two men in suits of importance are standing next to the podium.

Hoyt Williams: The white guy or the black guy?

Brother Privilege: Loomy Tombs.  I mean he’s Irish?

Hoyt Williams: You’re not from Chicago, Irish is a gimmick.  In the 80’s it was common for judges of all races and nationalities to legally change their names to an Irish sounding one to get elected.  Daley, and the Irish ran this city for a long time.  So that’s how you got elected by appearing to be in the club.  So, it’s a fair question.  Everything in this city is about power and clout, what you see is often just show.

Hoyt buttons his jacket.

Brother Privilege: This is truly the most corrupt city in the United States.  I love it.

Hoyt Williams: It certainly is an acquired taste.  Is the Mayor here?

Brother Privilege: No, he hates you.

Hoyt Williams: I thought that was the old one.

Brother Privilege: True, but the new one too.

The savior shakes his head in disgust.

Hoyt Williams:  You write one letter to the editor, and everyone hates you.

The savior gets out and is followed by the lawyer they are immediately greeted by the alderman and his chief-of-staff.

Alderman Tombs: So glad you’re here the press has been waiting!  Hoyt  thank you for all your contributions to my election fund.  This is my chief of staff Ralph Washington.

Pleasantries and secret handshakes are exchanged.

Alderman Tombs: The press wants to get their clips and get out of here.  Let’s not keep them waiting any longer.

The Pontiff of Prime looks over at the small gathering of the press, and notices his crush Megan Hickey from CBS is here.  He fixes his hair and starts walking with a sexy confident stroll to the podium beginning the ceremony.  Hoyt stops dead in his tracks, and whispers into his Lawyers ear.

Hoyt Williams: UGH for Christ’s sake that fecal stain wrestling journalist Rick Houseman is here.  I hate that guy.  Wrestling journalists make the Weekly World News and yellow journalism look like Edward R. Murrow.   This little turd loves stirring up his kin in the toilet bowl of the IWC.  Pull me out if I rub my eyebrows.

Brother Privilege: Understood.

The stroll starts back up.

Hoyt Williams: I’m not looking to be click bait for some dildo’s website.

The alderman takes to the podium.

Alderman Tombs: My fellow Chicagoans.  We the people of this great city finally have an icon worth looking up to.  A man of principle, a man of faith, a man with big shoulders in a city of wind.  A legend in the wrestling world, but really a hero to all of humanity.  No longer will our road signs be insanely long with the name Jean-Baptiste Pointe DuSable Lake Shore Drive just because politicians want it that way.  Instead, we will keep it short and to the point! “Hoyt’s Way” it is!!!

The chief of staff pulls the curtain down revealing the newly minted road sign.  A crowd of locals, dignitaries, and wrestling fans clap politely.

Alderman Tombs: Now give it up for “Your Personal Jesus” and mine!!  Hoyt Williams!!!!

The savior makes his way to the podium beaming with pride as he looks at the sign.

Hoyt Williams:  Oh my!! Thank you.  Ole Loomy Tombs is a wonderful politician and thank you.  This is a great honor.   You know, when they renamed Lake Shore Drive a few years ago, against the will of Chicagoans, and to the tune of a half million dollars, a lot of people lost hope in our city’s leadership.  Let us not forget this is the city of OBAMA.  Hope is who we are.  A French man may have settled Chicago first, but that is not who we are.  Chicago is not the Indians the French men helped chase out. Chicago isn’t about a machine.  Chicago is not represented by one man, or one group.  It is represented by many men, and even a few women.   We are diverse, we are strong, and we know how to handle the cold.  We don’t take crap from anyone!!  As a matter of fact, we send our crap down stream after we reversed the great Chicago River!   You’re welcome, Saint Louis.  You know Saint Louie was named after a French King, so it makes sense floating our fecal matter their way.   We’re done with the French.  The only good thing to come from France, was French fries and that sugary salad dressing.  “Hoyt’s Way” is all our way, and now we can drive it together forever!!!  Thank you!!!

Brother Privilege: We will now take some questions from the media.  Also help yourself to the pastry table provided by Lutz’s Pastry shop on Montrose Avenue open seven days a week.

Hoyt smiles and walks over to the table grabbing a slice of Christstollens mit Marzipan.  He shoves it in his face and is chewing it obnoxiously.  A few people line up to ask questions starting with Megan Hickey from CBS Chicago.

Megan Hickey: As you mentioned when the name of Lake Shore Drive was changed just a few years ago it cost the city a half million dollars.  How much is this new change going to cost us?

Hoyt Williams:  Megan!!  So nice to see you.  I have an autographed copy of my GQ cover shoot from last month I want you to have.  Now to answer your question, it’s going to cost next to nothing.  You see, this sign here, and one other near the museum campus will read “Hoyt’s Way”.  The rest will just say “Lake Shore Drive”.  We’re bringing back all the old signs instead of making new ones.  I’m a man of the people, and this isn’t about me.  Have we not learned from history that worshiping men with statues and other civic symbols of honor often lead to hurt feelings, and bad examples.  I mean the last mayor took away the Christopher Columbus statue, because we’ve now deemed Columbus a bad person.  So, let’s not make that mistake moving forward. Let’s just stop naming things after people.  Have art expos in honor of our past dignitaries.  Have city competitions to write poetry about our past heroes or people of importance for cash prizes teaching our history and incentivizing our artists.  Plastering names on street signs just seems dangerous.  The only person, people need to idolize, is God.  That’s it.  KISS: Keep it simple sinners.   I added my personal phone number on the inside of that copy of GQ ,just for you Meg, if you’d like to follow up with a news profile on me.

Brother Privilege takes the mic, and hands Megan Hickey a copy of Hoyt’s GQ.  She just seems very confused by the whole thing as is most of the crowd.

Mitch Brucelle:  Hey, Mitch Brucelle from the Pro-wrestling Candle. Since your return to PRIME you’ve been less than successful do you feel wrestling has passed you by?  Also, I find your comments on the French offensive.  It’s a dog whistle to nationalism.

Hoyt Williams: I’m banishing you from journalism in the name of my father.  What a stupid question from a stupid strange man.  You know the Sears tower used to be the tallest building in the world, and then another building was taller because they had a bigger antenna, so you know what the Sears Tower did?  It added an even bigger Antenna.  PRIME is about to witness my new bigger more powerful Antenna as soon as this concussion fully heals.   As for the French it’s true I’m not a fan.  The most French thing I’ve ever done was eating a foie gras hotdog from Hot Doug’s, and it sucked.  As for Dog whistles?  I want them banned along with people who wolf whistle.  People who stick their fingers in their mouth to produce that obnoxious noise should be arrested and heavily fined.   I hope that clearly answered your question.  Also, the people who made Bob’s Burgers should be executed in the name of decency.

The horrible journalist is about to ask for a follow-up, as he is very confused, but the good Brother Privilege rips the mic from his hand.  He hands the mic to the next guy.

Rick Houseman: Wow you really hate Bob’s Burgers.

Hoyt Williams: Do I Rick?  Are you already putting words in my mouth RICK.  Rick, are you still doing that stupid improv stuff?  You know improv is the lowest form of comedy, well besides wrestling journalism.  Anyway it’s just “yes and”. It’s boring and I feel for the audience who has to sit through that boloney.  I can’t believe it hasn’t been canceled too. I’m not here to talk about bad comedy like IMPROV and Bob’s Burgers.  I’m here to talk about Hoyt’s Way.

The savior takes another big bite of his magnificent Marzipan for Lutz’s Pastry shop.

Hoyt Williams:  Now RICK, ask me some biased questions like you’re known for.  I mean do you think it’s fair I’ve had to wrestle with a concussion, and I’m again being put in a match not 100%?  Do you think that’s fair?  I don’t, but you know this management team at PRIME couldn’t run the night shift at Walgreens.  Did you know last night I was attacked outside of Subway by guys in red Nova hats?  It’s true.  It’s the gospel truth, and I think I have ANOTHER concussion on top of the one I have now.  That’s a duo of concussions.  One more and I have the holy trinity of head trauma.  They wouldn’t even let me play in the NFL right now, and that league is heartless!  But PRIME wants me to wrestle a delicate egg. Ridiculous.

Rick Houseman:  A delicate egg. Flamberge?

Hoyt Williams: Umm Rick, I think its pronounced Fabergé.  A delicate yet expensive egg.

Rick Houseman:  No, I think it’s Flamberge. A French sword.

Hoyt Williams: Are you a savior like I am?  I think I know what I’m talking about. It’s clearly Fabergé, but anyway I don’t care about his silly name.  This man is a force.  His record shows that.  He is what PRIME is right now. The prime of the PRIME.  I get it.  I see management doesn’t.  This should be a main event match on a massive Pay-Per-View.  Can Faberge slay the GREATEST WRESTLER IN PRIME’S HISTORY?  CAN HE BEAT GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD”S LONGEST REIGNING CHAMPION IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD?  I don’t think so, but man that match would sell.  Instead you have me stepping in the ring on a TV show….you know I don’t do television matches.  I don’t give them my full effort.  I don’t wrestle for free TV, I simply give an exhibition for the sinners.  So, he’s not getting a full-frontal Hoyt Williams attack.

The Pontiff puts his hand on his head like it’s hurting.

Hoyt Williams: Now, factor in the severity of multiple concussions and a mysterious Nova henchman attack, and you have a disaster of a booking.  Despite this.  Despite the agony I’m in.  I will show up, because that is who Hoyt Williams is.  I think I just may perform a miracle or two and crack the egg man like Humpty in an earthquake.  That is Hoyt’s Way.

Points to the road sign.

Hoyt Williams: Fabergé is the kinda guy who puts ketchup on his hotdog.  Not a man of Chicago like myself.

Hoyt vigorously rubs his eyebrows.

Brother Privilege: That’s all the time we have.  Have a blessed day!

Hoyt shakes hands with the alderman and is ushered back into his limo where Lil Uzi Vert’s “Just Wanna Rock” is playing on repeat over and over.  DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

=W=

https://youtu.be/UhbixyxgsiU