FLAMBERGE
No one ever tells you about the post-nut clarity that comes from winning your first championship.
It’s all clicking now…the fashion’s on point, you’re getting recognized on the street. You’re sleeping better than you have in years, and meanwhile, NOBODY in PRIME is sleeping on you anymore. Whether it’s the main event of ReVival 13 or your landscape-shifting match at ReVival 18, big damn changes happen in PRIME when you’re around gold. And you know that you’re going to ride this ride for a long, loooong time. After all, even if PRIME’s own web team refuses to update their Title Histories out of spite or slight, you know you’re never letting the 5 Star go. You’re a threshing machine that churns out GLUE FOR THE GLUE GOD with such efficiency that the powers that be have decided at the eleventh hour that not one, not two, but THREE such sources of Man Hooves for processing.
Even though, hey guys. We know what’s up. His first title defense, and you’re so determined to counteract Glue Boiz coming into any sort of power and prestige that you make it a four way? How could you do this to HIM, the PROTAGONIST!
But – oh FLAMBO, you genius! You know what it is. There’s that fake Gandhi quote white people like to throw around: “First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.”
You were the 33rd man PRIME signed after they decided to hold a 32-man tournament. They ignored you.
They called you FLAMBURGLAR, FLAMBROILED, FABERGE EGG, FLAMBE, they broke your FLAMBORGHINI with pennies…they laughed at you.
We’re here now. We’re at the part where PRIME fights us. The roster, yes – but not just them. PRIME, full stop, wants to control you by hook or by goddamn crook. You’re getting smart, kid. I’m proud of you.
Let’s run down everyone who’s trying to do everything in their power to grind you to a halt: there’s very obviously Brandon Youngblood, that old outhouse. It’s been how long, four months? And the man still can’t get over the fact that he was too weak and worn down to simply reach the ring ropes! And sure, ok – yOu PuLlEd ThEm AwAy, FaBrOgInA, but it’s not like you ripped them off! Phil Atken is and remains the superior man and wrestler, even in his absence – but BECAUSE he’s absent and because you’re the kind of man who would drive around a Fiat with bumper stickers saying “MY OTHER CAR IS A HUMMER” and “I DON’T START ROAD RAGE, BUT I’LL END IT” and maybe attach some truck nuts for good measure, with your masculinity being so hOrRiBlY castrated because you don’t know how to move on from loss, you take it out on The Kid.
I get it. The Kid gets it. He’ll sign you up for some Blue Chew if you need. The packaging is discreet.
Speaking of E.D., Dusk wants to ride your dick in this company, by the way. Did you know he’s leaving? It’s apparently a pretty big deal. His last run in professional wrestling (allegedly), and he decides to spend crucial moments of his time concerned about YOUR shit. You were vaguely aware that there was a Hall Of Fame around here when you served your old role as “We Have Nothing For The Kid, Let’s Feed The Raw Meat To Him” against Tony Gamble, and it sounds like they think he should go in, too. You remember the photo they chose – INFURIATING that they decided to call YOU anything related to the Hamburglar when he’s out here wearing those tights. Shame you’re not the one who gets to wipe out that particular relic. Remember what you taught me about them laughing at you? I’m glad at least we’re not there anymore. Lazy nicknames are infuriating.
Then there’s BITCH COLTON, am I right?? Everybody is super psyched about y’alls Forever War that has apparently been canonized by clueless pudgy PRIME fans who think kettlebells pour tea but also think they get to decide Who Fights Who. Asses. You HATE Colton, and his patronizing fake-nice Flanders-ass father…can they just go away? Please? For ONCE in this lifetime?? You accomplish something, he’s got to accomplish something. You beat Tony Gamble, he beats Tony Gamble. You get a mentor, he gets a mentor. And there it is!
That’s the other thing that pisses you off! The lap doggery! Colton eats the scraps of everything Tough Man Brandon Young-leech consumes from this sport, and he gets these good boy tummy rubs and attaboys and this visibility and this notoriety that should belong to YOU, the Protagonist, right??
Hang on – maybe I’m misreading the energy in the room. You’re reading as “calm” to me, is that for real?
Oh RIGHT! The clarity! You know and understand that you achieved a major tangible accomplishment that (again, if PRIME’s webmaster decided to take their BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD shirt and do their job) will be recorded in the history books forever. The Americans landed on the moon before the Russians, McGwire out-homered Sosa, and FLAMBERGE won a championship before Nate Colton. Even if he won’t say it, you understand how that’s going to eat at him forever. OF COURSE he wants to come after what’s on your plate. He and Youngblood probably went to visit Lindsay Troy as a little tandem, sitting her down, blowing smoke up her ass, saying “how great a title rematch would be if NATE was shoehorned in”. “The fans want them to fight forever”, right? And of course, Miss President seized on the opportunity to throw a road bump at you because glue-making is an evergreen industry which scares the piss out of her, and – hang on.
I’m spiraling again. Is this a “me” issue, do you think? I’m so used to swimming deep in a malaise haze with you, FLAMBO – sorry, FLAMBERGE. I’m not used to exhaling. Neither are you! Are you? It’s hard to read. I’ll be ok, though – I’m ready to ride a different vibe with you, if that’s what you need.
Before we explore this vibe, I have to do something real quick. One sec.
…
IvanStanislavTimoBolambaCoralAvalonAngloLuchadorandliketwentyotherpeoplewanttotellyouhowtoliveyourlife whewwwwww ok. Thanks. Felt like a pressure cooker that’s been on too long, you know? Had to get that out there. You probably already knew this, because now you wear cool turtlenecks sometimes. Deprive the world a look at your glorious neck and/or jugular. I dig it.
…
You’re forgetting someone, by the way. Rezin. He really was The Guy in a lot of ways in this company before he ran into you. Number 1 on the rankings list, the most popular wrestler around here (at least the most popular wrestler who, you know, wins matches), and that’s all gone now. Outrageous that you’re only ranked 8th, by the way – who puts this stupid list together? If it weren’t for you getting kicked in the dick by one of PRIME’s early failed experiments you’d have one of the best records in the company at 8-3 and you just beat the supposed #1 for a championship, and that makes you 8th! Spectacular stuff. The geek who updates the website must be the same one behind this other, somehow less explainable shortcoming. You would accept #2, of course – Cancer Jiles is the Universal Champion, and he does represent one of your losses. The Anglo Luchador’s pomp is one of the main reasons you don’t engage much with Jabber anymore, so he should be below you regardless. Besides, we all know the 5 Star is more important to this company than the Intense Title, right? It’s PRIME Wrestling.
I have a hot take FLAMBERGE, are you ready for it? It’s spicy.
The existence of the Intense Title and PRIME’s decision to sign bad-at-wrestling-so-they’re-violent-instead types is the reason Jonathan Rhine is a paperweight now.
Think about it: they have the chance to reopen their doors after years away, they sign all star wrestler after all star wrestler, legends and future stars and eventually You, The Protagonist Of The Whole Show, and then they also say “you know what? Let’s let half the roster do the other thing. Like to brawl? Like to draw a little blood? You’re welcome here, and in fact, we encourage it!” And they’re shocked and outraged that a few have turned out to be psychopaths, and everyone starts to speak on their shared outrage (especially on Jabber, my GOD, did you see the response to that little incident in Paxton Ray’s round 1 match at the Belmont? Good thing they let the internet know how upset they were, though, as Anglo Luchador sat on his ass and ordered another cocktail. Imagine if the WiFi was out – no one would know how noble his fingers are). You can’t tell half the roster to get violent and bloody and then get all pissed when that happens.
It reminds me of the first moment people started feigning their outrage towards you, FLAMBERGE. Everyone says, “make a name for yourself, grab the brass ring, make an impact”, and then you did that at ReVival 13, and the response became “No, not like that! I wanted you to do it my way. You’re a bad person, but also can I manipulate you and your amazing huge immense talent?” You didn’t even touch anyone. Atken’s the one who flooded Youngblood’s nasal cavities with blood, but the outrage at YOU! You know what, for Christmas, we need to buy them more pearls. I’m sure they wear out when you clutch them so hard and so frequently.
Anyway, that’s the spice. Sorry Jonathan Rhine, Lindsay Troy decided to make PRIME a place where a man like Paxton Ray is welcome and encouraged to earn a big ol’ paycheck and appear on television. Sorry you needed a gallon or two of blood or however much it was, Sammy Broadway – the powers behind the Belmont Classic saw what happened and decided the extra eyes on the product were more important. In fairness, if you had faced the FLAMBERGE instead of Paxton, you may still have gotten seriously hurt – but at least it would have been from wrestling. And the roster might not have had another opportunity to share a virtual group hug about the whole thing before forgetting your name and looking onto Round 2.
…I’m doing it again, aren’t I! I’m hate-ranting, and that’s not where YOU are, is it! This is…wow. This is a fascinating revelation. We had the thought at the very start, the real zen and the quiet that’s taken your chest and your brain as a result of winning a pretty damn important belt. You had panic attacks in the night thinking back to Christmases from your childhood, your dad failing you when you stumbled upon something too early, and you were worried that receiving your prize so soon would feel unearned…it’s not unearned to you after all, is it?
You deserve this. That feels good to say.
You deserve this you deserve this you deserve this you deserve this you deserve this you deserve this you deserve this you deserve this you deserve this you deserve this you deserve this you deserve this you deserve this you deserve this you deserve this you deserve this you deserve this you deserve this you deserve this you deserve this.
And it allows you to breathe. The irrational buzzing that turns your heart into a hummingbird can fade more into the background. Youngblood can try to be a dick and steal your spotlight by stealing the physical representation of your own superiority, Colton can try to steal THAT spotlight by literally giving you your own property, Rezin can try to steal THAT spotlight by being an actual goddamn disaster of an adult…and doesn’t change who you are. You’re Hero’s Journeying this bitch, and the world is colluding and combining its efforts to make the equivalent of PRIME’s second movie even bigger and better now that the story’s lead star has accomplished something so huge.
The budget has certainly increased for this one. It’s going to be important to look good when you take over New York City and win the best and most important match of the whole damn show at COLOSSUS. They even let you hire out an Entrance Consultant from DEFIANCE, someone who goes by…hang on. Where’s his business card? There it is – DPD? It was just initials, that’s right. There’s a cool mask logo, at least – and he sounded like he had some cool ideas and connections. The fire jets they rented out when you won the 5 Star were nice, but a little on the nose, don’t you think? We can do more, we can do better. We don’t have to pretend to aggrandize ourselves when we’re really dumbing everything down and patronizing everyone, you know. We’re not Impulse.
Remember him, and your list of 5 wrestlers you wanted to surpass in two years’ time? That whole list feels so long ago. Hank’s time in the pool, Daniel Darby’s analytics followed by Daniel Darby almost going to French jail…punching your father in the face, but also the hundreds of hours of training…the damn Brets Chips. Geez, what is time? All of that happened in 9 months. That’s a lot of whiplash. No wonder you’re feeling so much more calm and settled now.
The distractions are gone. The dog and pony shows, the not knowing what to do when every old man shakes their fist at your clouds, the self-loathing, the nerves…they can fade into the past, like so many other bad memories that have defined your life’s path so far.
PRIME had so little for you to do when you first got here that they threw you in against a tag team guy who also had nothing to do after his partner left, and you showed the world how vulnerable his trachea was in relative anonymity. And now…you’re the 5 Star Champion. Everyone wants what you have – even YOU want what you have for the first time in your adult life.
You don’t play many video games, but you’ve heard the saying that if they can teach one thing, it’s that if you’re encountering enemies, you’re going in the right direction. Brandon Youngblood is your enemy. Nate Colton is your enemy. Rezin is your enemy. But that’s ok – you know what you need to do when you’re around gold. You have that clarity now. The petulant-brat-spunk-buildup has been voided.
Don’t let it build up again.