Private: Mike McGee
(CUT TO: A dark oak office table with your usual crappy office decor on it – an open laptop and desk calendar, a “World’s Best Boss And Wrestler” coffee mug, a framed photo of the dude who owns WeWork and a nameplate that reads “Mr. Middle Management” Mike McGee. He sits behind the desk, clad in a double-hooked singlet that is blue-and-white in the colors of his alma mater Seton Hall University — now with protective ear-wear as well Behind him are also various framed diplomas and a poster of a bent nail that says “Nailed It!”.)
Mike McGee: Ah, Las Vegas! The famed City of Sin. Now, while I may be new to PRIME, I am not new to this city.
As one of the most decorated teenage wrestlers of this or any other era, I was in high demand to join the wrestling team at literally every university in this county. I was THE top recruiting priority for the University of Nevada-Las Vegas Runnin’ Rebels team. They flew me and my loving, doting parents out first class. The president of the university himself gave me a personal tour. And they also, even though it was a clear violation of NCAA regulations, offered me a lot of money to go to the university.
But I visited that university and met with the dean of their business school and faculty specializing in Human Resources Management. And within seconds of a conversation I realized that their program in this elite field was sub-par and that the entire university was filled with sub-par people. I could not leave that slum of a campus quick enough.
But guess what? The university, despite being the equivalent of academic day care, is the best part of this neon horror. This is a place where people move to because they have simply given up on life. They know they can’t obtain gainful employment in a real metropolitan area – fired by a Human Resources Professional such as myself, or possible even fired by me personally – so they move to Las Vegas to live their lives as a cheap cocktail waitress or to make sure the slot machines at the Luxor are shiny enough to give a bunch of Old Spice-wearing divorced Midwestern morons the weekend of their sad lives before they go home and give their slob wives crabs.
The people in this city lack ambition. They lack talent. And, most importantly, they have never had someone like myself in their lives with the natural leadership capabilities that could inspire them to develop such skills like ‘the importance of showing up to work on time’ and ‘proper ways to tuck in a shirt’ and ‘how to properly brew the coffee.’ Now you have me, and I hope to make your lives better, and I hope to do that by convincing you all to leave this black hole.
Now, why did I choose Seton Hall University? Well, first, it was a few miles from my childhood home in the wealthy community of Maplewood, New Jersey so my wonderful parents could see my every meet. But, secondly, it has one of the best Human Resources Management degree programs not just in the Mid-Atlantic region but the entire country!
And how did it get so good? Well, the faculty there all had an inspirational figure themselves in Dr. Ned Reform. His influence in academia is not just limited to his dominance of liberal arts, but it also extends itself to business schools like Seton Hall or the 2-year Executive MBA Program at Temple University’s Fox School of Business, of which I am also an esteemed graduate. I cannot thank that great, great man himself as he is the only other wrestler in this roster who has made something of themselves.
Now, I know that Lindsay Troy has stated that she will not cede to my demands to become the new Director of Human Resources here in Prime. But I think in due time she’ll see things my way and see the value adds I can proactively bring in the administrative needs of this company, just like I did when my mastery of Human Resources help bring the best benefits packages to the talent capital at my past employers of Kohl’s, TJ Maxx and Jos. A Bank.
And if she doesn’t? Well, then I will take another approach to get the job title that I am entitled to. And that’s by pulling up to the parking lot in my brand new cherry red Kia Sorrento, stepping into the arena, asserting myself as the dynamic thought leader that I am and defeating everyone in my path!
Because everyone here will soon see that open enrollment… begins today!