Let Love Lead

Sacramento Community Center.

Pinecone Atrium.

A poorly hung sign is pinned to the door of the lavish, roomy and elegant conference center as a few people filter through its opening. There’s writing on the sign that could be better defined as chicken scratch but enough patrons are able to clearly decipher it saying ‘LET LOVE LEAD 101: An Introduction to Love’. None other than Tristan-Crispin Gladhappy peaks his head out of the doorway to see if any more last second attendees are hustling their way in.

TCG:
Hmmmmmmmmm It’s nine o’clock by my watch. Just wanting to see if any more aspiring nuzzlers are heading in my way. Thought I was going to have a full house. Guess I forecasted that incorrectly. Knew I should have gotten a commercial on public access TV.

He looks left. Nothing. He looks right. Nothing. It’s probably safe to say TCG has as many people attending his love-tastic session as he’s ever going to get. He frowns briefly before closing the door to the atrium behind him. He turns to his raucous audience of about seven individuals.

TCG:
I guess this will have to do!

There’s at least one hundred and twenty open seats in the auditorium but to Tristan-Crispin, that’s neither here nor there at this point. He’s got material to deliver, after all and dammit, he’s going to! Gladhappy wrings his hands together with excitement as he knows these seven individuals are about to get lambasted with the highest quality love information the west coast can offer. Quickly and quietly, he assumes the position behind the presenting podium.

TCG:
Good morning, everyone and thank you for your time today. You will NOT regret spending your day with me! Today, we’re going to learn a lot about love. We’re going to love, learn love and love learning! Oh and of course, how silly of me. I almost forgot. I didn’t even introduce my co-associate seated in the front row here.

Gladhappy grabs the microphone from its holster and power walks over to the empty front row. Well, almost empty. At the end of the row sits a badly stuffed scarecrow-looking mannequin. Gladhappy adjusts his green sweater vest as he “checks” on his “co-associate”.

TCG:
Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you all to my co-associate, Adam Ellis! Say hello to everyone!

The mannequin obviously doesn’t move so Tristy does a quick flip of his hand to make the figure shutter.

TCG:
Adam says hi to everyone. I know you are most eager about love learning and learning about love. That’s why you’re here, right? That’s why all you people are here, too!

TCG begins pointing to the actual people in the crowd.

TCG:
You and you and you! You all want to learn about the secrets of love! Well, let me tell you, for the nominal fee you all paid, I will gladly SPREAD my knowledge all over your faces!

Gladhappy returns to his podium and begins clicking through a slideshow that is projecting on the wall behind him. He paces back and forth as if he is the CEO of a global communications conglomerate.

TCG:
Time, space, love. Everything in our lives is relevant. Or are they? These are the tough questions we must WRESTLE with on a daily basis. I, for one, am a fully REALIZED individual. What does that mean? It means I love myself and, therefore, I am able to PROPERLY relay my love to others. I know what you’re all thinking. You’re asking yourselves, but Tristan-Crispin, how can that be? What does that mean? Let me tell you. I am a wrestler by profession, first and foremost so what that means is that I have taken all the love I have in my life and I’m applying it directly into my craft. I’m injecting this industry, nay, TEACHING this industry exactly how to LOVE because let’s face it, there’s not a lot of love in wrestling these days, am I right?

Gladhappy pretends to hear something coming from Adam Ellis.

TCG:
What was that, Adam Ellis? You know first hand how cold and callous the wrestling industry can be and I am doing the LORD’S work by introducing LOVE into things? Well gee golly goshlings, I appreciate the sentiment, Adam. Means a lot, especially coming from a no name, failed HOW protege like yourself. You just sit tight, strap in, lean back and let me love you and you’ll all be FULL of love in no time. After this session, you will all walk out that door with little mini Tristan-Crispin’s inside of you!

TCG leans in and allows his cheek to gently snuggle up next to Adam Ellis’ knitted face.

TCG:
Let’s get to it! First, in order to teach you, I must unteach you. That requires your participation. Let’s take fan questions at the microphone station in the middle of the crowd seats. Kindly get up and ask me a question about LOVE so we can unlearn to relearn to learn-learn about LOVE!

A balding man who is busting out of his crusty, way too undersized ketchup stained shirt, bellies up to the microphone. He mouth-breathes into it. Loudly.

Gilbert:
Hey. Hmph. I’m Gilbert. Friends call me Gil. Or Gilly. Hmph. Uhhhhhhh, ummmmmmm, I’m here because I need to learn more about love. I don’t think I know ANYTHING about it because I feel like women don’t like me. I need to pick up chicks though cuz like, hmph, it’s like the thing to do so I don’t know how to become a ladies mannnn.

Gilbert immediately heads back to his seat after finishing his thought as his achy legs couldn’t keep him upright for much longer. Gladhappy stares a hole through this monstrosity of a man.

TCG:
Okay. Interesting. Listen, Gilbert or if I may be so bold as to call you, Gil? Gilly? It doesn’t matter. If you know nothing about LOVE then you have nothing to unlearn, which is great! This way I know I am working off a clean slate with you! So, in essence, it will be easier for me to shape your mind with love in the best way I see fit! Welcome, welcome indeed!

TCG eyes “Adam Ellis.”

TCG:
At least there’s one person here without any predispositions. You should take notes, Addy. Next please!

A frail looking woman approaches the microphone with caution. She clutches her iPhone tightly and can’t seem to shake the worried look off her face.

Jocelyne:
Hi. I’m Jocelyne. I’m new. I’m scared. I’m also a very naturally nervous person who lacks many soft skills. I need to unlearn a number of things in life but I guess my question I need to know the most from you is about constructing a daily love lifecycle. How can I be better prepared to handle intricate love interactions on a physiological, microbial level? Help me, please.

TCG flutters his hand towards her.

TCG:
You can take a seat and know that you ARE loved. I love you. In fact, I love you all.

He stares Adam’s way once more.

TCG:
Well, almost all of you.

He goes back to addressing Jocelyne.

TCG:
Jocey, I am going to level with you. Dealing with love on a daily basis is unpredictable. It’s hard. It’s tough. There is no catchall answer that will better prepare you on a daily basis. However, the one thing I will dictate to you is just try to be more resilient. That’s all. If love is unpredictable AND we are aware of it, then why not be prepared for the unexpected? I mean, at least TRY to be aware of it. Does that make sense, Jocey?

Jocelyne nearly breaks out in tears at the LOVING advice she gets from the Nuzzle Lord.

TCG:
Perfect. Next please.

The next person taking the stand is an ordinary looking man. He adjusts his glasses as he speaks.

Rich:
Hi there. Rich Lather, of the Lather Times. Yes, there is media here and I plan on writing a column about my findings on LOVE after today’s seminar so everyone just CALM DOWN. Tristan-Crispin, what do you think about the way love is depicted in the media? Movies, music, entertainment?

Rich crosses his arms defiantly as he demands an answer from Gladhappy.

TCG:
Good question. Heck, great question even! To be honest, the way love is depicted in this world today is despicable. Meanwhile, I infuse GENUINE love into my life and work. Isn’t that right, Adam Ellis?

No response.

TCG:
I said, isn’t that right, ADAM ELLIS!?

“Adam Ellis” remains mum. Perturbed, TCG viciously nuzzles up next to the inanimate object.

TCG:
I INFUSE GENUINE LOVEEEEEEEE! GENUINE! NOT THAT FAKE MANUFACTURED CRAP MOST MAINSTREAM MEDIA PUTS ON DISPLAY TO CASH IN TODAY!

Frothing, nay, SEETHING at the teeth, Tristan-Crispin attempts to collect himself. He returns his gaze to Rich Lather who looks rather shook.

TCG:
Anything else, Rich?

Rich raises his hands innocently. He didn’t quite expect such an extreme response from such an unimposing figure in Gladhappy.

Rich:
Ummm no further questions right now but I do have more for later!

TCG:
Great. Let’s break for lunch. I’m exhausted.

***

The Nuzzle Lord stands at the podium, eyes locked on the presenter’s screen only he can see as his stomach is in the middle of processing a very successful, very satiating lunch venture. Some bread crumbs from his upper crust sandwich remain plastered on the edges of his mouth and further crumbs hang off his finger tips. He lifts his brow back to his “full” house and notices everyone is back in their seats and ready to proceed with the session of learning. He confidently paces away from the safety of the podium.

TCG:
I feel like the morning got away from us. Not to worry. I want this afternoon to have a singular focus.

He places his hands at chest-center in a sort of prayer formation.

TCG:
LET. LOVE. LEAD. Allow those three words to marinate in your brains for a moment.

Tristan-Crispin stands in front of Gilbert.

TCG:
LET. LOVE LEAD.

He shifts over to the Adam Ellis doll.

TCG:
LET. LOVE. LEAD.

Jocelyne is the next person he moseys on over to.

TCG:
LET. LOVE. LEAD.

Lastly, he stands before Rich.

TCG:
You’re just mean, mister.

Gladhappy paces back to his podium.

TCG:
LET. LOVE. LEAD. Do it. Don’t just say it. Do it. Have love be the foundation for every action you take on a daily basis! You’ll be a better person for it! Just like my co-associate, Adam Ellis! I know this man is employing a love based life approach and is REAPING the benefits of it. You will be happier. You will be healthier. Just love, love. Love, love. Follow love. Let your heart follow what it’s telling you and react accordingly! No harsh decisions could ever possibly come from following solely your heart! Again, look no further than my co-associate Adam Ellis!

Gladhappy continues his rant at a rapid pace without any end in sight. Growing bored of the monotony, Rich Lather sprints over to the crowd’s microphone, eager to interrupt with his burning questions.

Rich:
Hate to interrupt you there, oh great Nuzzle Lord but I have more questions for you.

Deflated, TCG flaps his hands as if all the momentum he was just building up was taken out of his sails.

TCG:
We were just going to do the group chant of LET. LOVE. LEAD. headed up by none other than Adam Ellis right now, Rich but okay. Go for it. Hit me with your best shot.

Rich clears his throat.

Rich:
What if you don’t believe in love?

Rich might as well have taken out a gun and shot TCG right then and there as The Nuzzle Lord looks like he was just pelted with a cannonball. Quiver lip and all, TCG moves with bad intentions.

TCG:
Don’t believe in love? I don’t want to know a world when any of those people exist! Rich, were you dropped as a baby like my co-associate, Adam Ellis was!? Did you suffer any brain damage? DON’T BELIEVE IN LOVE!? BY GOLLY GOSH, if I wasn’t such a love follower, I’d ask you to leave but you see, I want you to stay here. I want all of you to stay here and grow with me. Learn to let love in. Believe in love because it believes in you unconditionally! I’m truly shocked that potty putrid nonsense spilled out of your mouth, Rich. Tread carefully. Love is my landscape of life and it should become yours too!

Rich rubs the back of his neck as he’s not quite buying what Gladhappy is selling.

Rich:
Well, uhhhh, I mean, look. Your “friend” Adam Ellis there looks like his some sort of stuffed mannequin. Do you, uhhh, love him?

TCG smiles as he nestles his buttocks into the open chair next to “Adam Ellis”.

TCG:
Do I love him?

TCG snuggles in nice and close.

TCG:
Do I love him?

He even sniffles a few times directly into the microphone he’s holding.

TCG:
Yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. I love him. I love everyone.

Awkward.

Rich:
Uhhh okay. Disturbing. I have one last question for you, oh fearless leader. What is the key ingredient to love then?

The Nuzzle Lord rises from his suggestive stance with a certain amount of intrigue.

TCG:
Key ingredient to love? Don’t make me bust out in song and dance.

You know what’s about to happen. Tristan-Crispin clutches the Adam Ellis doll in a romantic ballroom dancing pose. He steps high across the front of the room whilst singing the “ingredients” of love.

TCG:
You need a dash of this and a dash of that for loveeeeeeeeee. The key ingredients are rather simpleeeeeeeeeee. All you need is positivity! POS-IT-TIVITY! SAY IT WITH ME, EVERYONE! POSITIVITY!

A slow clap begins drumming up. At first, the only one is Jocelyne but not before long, Gilbert finds himself doing a pirouette alongside everyone else dancing at the front of the room. Everyone, that is, except Rich Lather who just facepalms from amongst the empty seats.

Rich:
I think I’ll just sit down now. Can’t believe I attended this worthless conference. This is straight up nonsense!

The dance routine comes to a wondrous crescendo as everyone, yes even the Adam Ellis doll executes a flawless set of jazz hands and toothy grins.

TCG:
POSITIVITYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

The dancers all clap at the feat they accomplished. TCG is quick to shoo everyone back to their seats though.

TCG:
Okay, okay, that’s enough of that! You felt that though, didn’t you? I know you did! Gilbert, I think you lost a couple pounds from that exercise! Jocelyne? Did I sense you gaining some self-confidence there!? Don’t get me started on what Adam Ellis surely FELT. Wink, wink. I think it’s time we finally calm things down though.

The participants filter back to their seats as TCG tosses Adam Ellis to the floor. Sweat gleams from his brow as Gladhappy tries to catch his breath.

TCG:
I gotta remember next time to ditch the sweater vest if there’s going to be any physical activity involved! It’s alright though, The Nuzzle Lord will find a way through! So listen, let’s take it down a notch and really use this last portion of the session to focus and hone in on one thing. Breathing. To do that, we’re going to be joined virtually by none other than the most amazing cousin-in-law anyone can ask for. Ladies and gents, please turn your attention to the screen and welcome in remotely, VICKIE!

The screen transitions from the slide deck to an image of Vickie. Except, it isn’t Vickie. It’s more like “Vickie” as much as Adam Ellis is in the room. Rich doesn’t even bother to get up to walk over to the microphone at this point. He just shouts from his seat.

Rich:
VICKIE LOOKS WEIRD!

TCG takes a gander at the screen over his shoulder.

TCG:
Yes, well, AI is a heck of a tool. It might not be the ACTUAL Vickie but we have the next best thing! INTRODUCING HER LIKENESS! AI VICKIE!

AI Vickie:
Hello and greetings to the nice participants in the room. I am Vickie Hall. My wonderful husband is Jonathan-Christopher Hall and my wonderful cousin-in-law is Tristan-Crispin Gladhappy. Thank you for inviting me into your seminar today and enabling me to close things off with a mindful breathing exercise.

TCG crosses his legs as he finds the best spot on the floor to sit.

AI Vickie:
Please find a spot on the floor or if you have chairs, grab a seat and close your eyes.

They all surprisingly do as they’re told.

AI Vickie:
Now begins to slowly inhale and slowly exhale. This is called mindful breathing. We do this in an effort to introduce soft love into our lives. It keeps each and every one of us open to the love channels of the world. We are the calm. This way and only this way can we be more compatible with the world around us.

Gladhappy does his best to control his breathing but the Adam Ellis doll is on the ground right next to him. TCG does his best to whisper over to it.

TCG:
Adam, hey Adam? Pssssst. You’re breathing out of your mouth just like every neck bearded average professional wrestling fan who has an extreme opinion on things. Think you can keep it down, please? I am trying to listen to the AI version of Vickie in order to complete my mindful breathing, thank you very much!

AI Vickie:
In and out. Like the tree that sways with the wind, our spirits are flexible to our ever changing environmental conditions. After this, all of you should be able to better recognize love in your life and be more tolerable about others around you.

By this time, Gladhappy is highly agitated. His eyes are open and fixated on Adam Ellis.

TCG:
ADAM ELLIS! BREATHE THROUGH ANOTHER ORIFICE, YOU MOUTH TOUTING LITTLE PUNK ASS BITCH! I HAVE HAD IT WITH YOU! YOU MISSTEPPED NUMEROUS TIME DURING OUR DANCE, YOU DIDN’T GIVE ANY GOOD ANSWERS AT ANY POINT TODAY. HECK, YOUR OVERALL CONTRIBUTION TO THIS SESSION WAS MEANINGLESS! I AM DONE WITH YOU! I TRIED TO LOVE YOU! I TRIED TO BE YOUR FRIEND BUT IT IS CLEAR YOU ARE INCAPABLE OF LOVE. INCAPABLE OF CONTROLLING YOUR EMOTIONS!

Ironically, TCG attacks the Adam Ellis mannequin while the AI image of Vickie continues to dictate mindful breathing practices. Jocelyne, Gilbert and Rich all exchange glances and use the opportunity to escape the pinecone atrium and alert security of what can only be described as a zany man having his way with an adult doll. One he clearly does not love in the slightest.

TCG:
LET LOVE LEAD, ADAM! I WILL TEACH YOU THAT THEN I’M DONE WITH YOU!