LET’S GO FISHING
Posted on 09/18/22 at 12:58am by Private: Fred Mayhew
Event: ULTRAVIOLENCE 2022
Private: Fred Mayhew
I’d never seen him so nervous before. Granted I haven’t spent THAT much time around him, you know, considering he wanted nothing to do with me for half of my life. But the little time I have spent around him I’ve always seen him as this affable, gregarious, spotlight seeking attention whore.
Now? Now he’s seated in a chair that struggles structurally to contain all of his… greatness? In a small bistro known for selling hors d’oeuvres at an ungodly price surrounded by people who can’t stop looking at him as if he’s a stain on the bottom of their shoe. He looks pale white enveloped in a glistening sheen of sweat.
Sure he sweats profusely on the regular, but this is the first time I’ve ever seen him sweating so much due to nerves. I can’t help but begin to think perhaps this was a bad idea. I glance over to my left, about to voice my concern, but the words die on my lips as I see Uncle Doozer seated there, staring at my father with hunger in his eyes.
Do you remember the meme where Big E of the New Day is eating popcorn, engrossed with what he’s watching before him?
Well, that’s exactly how Uncle Doozer is at this very moment, all he needs now is a big bucket of buttery popped kernels to complete the scene. He anxiously shifts in his seat from side to side, as if the cheeks of his ass are falling asleep, and he’s trying to wake them up one by one. His eyes are wide as saucers as they quickly dart from one point of the room to the next, as if he’s trying to cement everything he sees into his brain for future enjoyment. The gleeful smile his face seems to grow in proportion with the growing discomfort on my father’s face.
There is this indescribable feeling slowly overwhelming me, like I feel sullied for some reason. Like a dirty voyeur peeping through a window.
“I think we should…” I begin to whisper, only to be cut off as Doozer begins to vibrate in anticipation as he stage whispers, “Here. We. Gooooooo!”
My head spins around so fast I feel something pop, but nothing significant enough that can distract me from the brunette in a baby blue dress, who is currently walking up to my father’s table, a bright smile on her face. My eyes narrow as my mind begins to race, the woman who currently has her hand extended towards my father doesn’t look anything like the woman’s profile picture. The woman I’ve been talking to for the past two weeks as my father.
“Unbelievable.” I mutter under my breath, but apparently not quietly enough as Doozer looks over at me with arched eyebrows. “I’ve been duped. She cat-fished me!”
Doozer begins to laugh uncontrollably, causing many patrons in the small bistro to look our way. I ignore their stares, as my eyes are focused on the two people seated at the table across the room.
~ ~ ~
I’ll be honest with you, I was soooooooo excited to talk about my blind date. I mean, look at all those O’s I used, that’s how excited I was! But then I see ole Jonathan Rhine beat me to the punch. He just had to go and snipe my idea before I had a chance to see it through to fruition. I should be upset, but what’s that old saying? “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery?” Bah, I call it straight up laziness to be honest, and trust me, I know all about being lazy.
I feel violated…
I feel cheated…
I feel let down…
Now I feel like I’m letting other people down. Jiles told me how much he was looking forward to seeing how the train wreck that would be my blind date went, but now he’ll never know because of you, Jonathan Rhine. And the really disappointing thing is, all the time you spent setting up a date that we don’t even get to see! It’s like watching a softcore porno, but not even a good softcore porno. Ultimately, I feel unfulfilled, like eating a Twinkie with no cream filling.
Here I thought Paxton Ray was the asshole of your duo, but now I begin to wonder, which of the two of you I should hate more?
Maybe I will tell you all about my second date with the nice lady you deprived everyone of meeting. Her name was Kaitlyn by the way, and boy is there a backstory there that would have shocked you to the core! I hope you’re happy, you son of a bitch.