Private: Abe Lipschitz
Things have been a lot different for me since I won your Love and Admiration. Unfortunately, my sweet, I can’t say that it’s different in a good way.
I now know how Wade has felt the last two months or whenever it was that you had your silly little fling. Always feeling the pressure to live up to the standards of being an accessory to a Queen. Constantly having to watch for some crazed stalker creep looking to take me out from behind. Checking everyone who liked your tweets to make sure they aren’t as cute as I am, and if they are, making sure to report them from various phony accounts so that they get banned from the website. It’s exhausting for a Scenery Boy like me.
That’s not all. Even before I was able to stand on a mountain of bodies to hold your prize so high, someone was already out to make a lovefool out of me. Signing up the two of us for a physical challenge without either of our permission. In some type of exploitative plot to put our always and forever to the test. And it just so happened to be the week after finally acquiring your Love and Admiration! Knowing full well that my maze-mastering mind wouldn’t be at a hundred percent so soon after winning the most important championship of all eternity.
And you guys wanna know what the craziest part is? It could have been any one of us. That they could have texted Leela Watts from a spoof of my phone number and said “yes, Lindz and I will do that. No, don’t worry, she knows and is in support of it. Yes, we are a couple. No, we haven’t announced it yet. Yes, I am thinking about proposing soon! No, I’m not sure who she would want as her bridesmaids. Yes, I think I’ll go with a white tux, I know a lot of people can’t pull it off but I think it would look good with my hair. No, we’re definitely not going to schedule it before the next Guardians of the Galaxy audition. Yes, I’ll bring Robby with me. No, he’s not seeing anyone. Yes, we did kiss once, but I’m in a committed relationship now. No, I haven’t offered to make it a four-way with Wade on the top.”
Anyone could have sent that pretending to be me.
I know our failure had to be extremely humiliating for you, my heart. This is why I will stop at nothing to find out who did this. I write this letter now from the forest, where I am in search of the greatest detective duo of all time to investigate! Yes, I will find the Rescue Rangers, and once I do, I’ll pay them my entire life savings to track down the culprit or CULPRITS.
Although I can’t seem to recall, but I think I’ve got something else to do soon? Eh well. I’m sure it’ll come to me at some point.
With all of mine holding all of yours (Love and Admiration),
Abe Lipschitz
Attachments
(The attachments are lewd photos of him in the jungle dressed like Tarzan.)