Open Enrollment Begins Today

(CUT TO: A dark oak office table with your usual crappy office decor on it – an open laptop and desk calendar, a “World’s Best Boss” coffee mug, a framed photo of Steve Jobs and a nameplate that reads “Mr. Middle Management” Mike McGee. He sits behind the desk, clad in a double-hooked singlet that is blue-and-white in the colors of his alma mater Seton Hall University. Behind him are also various framed diplomas and a poster of a cat playing with a ball of yarn that reads ‘HANG IN THERE.’)

“Journeyman!

That was the word used to describe me by a so-called ‘journalist’ reporting about my hiring on the official PRIME website! 

Using the word ‘journeyman’ to describe me is example number one of the lack of professionalism inherent throughout professional wrestling and PRIME in particular! Using that kind of defamatory, slanderous and libellous language against a member of this roster opens up PRIME to all kinds of liabilities! If I so wanted, I could file a lawsuit against this promotion and each and every single competitor in this promotion and take them for everything they are worth.

But I, “Mr. Middle Management” Mike McGee, will not do that. Because I want to clear up the lies this company has already spread about yours truly.

First, I was a professional wrestler in various promotions years ago. That is because my credentials are flawless. I was a standout wrestler in several weight classes at Seton Hall University. A four-time Big East Champion. A two-time National Champion! And I would have been an Olympian if not for an inner ear infection that kept me from flying to London for the 2012 Summer Games! 

Now, I was indeed a member of several promotions but was not known for much success. This was because of two reasons. The first is simple – I was bored and was not facing a level of competition worthy of my skill and acumen. 

But the second is the most important and REAL reason. My biggest accomplishment while a collegiate wrestler was not my years-long undefeated streak. It was instead being named an Academic All-American as a Dean’s List student with a 3.65 GPA in Human Resources Management. 

Now, when I became a pro wrestler, I realized I shared a locker room with literal neanderthals. I looked around and saw a bunch of alleged people who had no goals and no ambitions beyond their net match. I saw a bunch of idiots who had no backup plan for their lives, which was something sorely needed because they were utter failures. 

They thought as a wrestler they’d be a household name! Well, instead they ended up wearing a nametag at a series of minimum wage jobs they were not even able to hold down for more than a week at a time. And I was completely alarmed at how poorly each of these promotions were administered, which should have come as no surprise considering they were all run by a bunch of classless morons who made their money via pyramid schemes and flim flam scams

Because of this, I decided that my ‘Plan B’ was my actual ‘Plan A.’ I went and got a real job working in a series of positions of great importance as a human resources manager – nay, EXECUTIVE – at famed retail establishments like Gap, Baby Gap and Ross Dress for Less. And to boost my career success, I further honed my natural leadership capabilities by graduating from the two-year Executive MBA program at the Temple University Fox School of Business, one of the top ranked business schools in the Mid-Atlantic Region according to US News and World Report! I became Six Sigma Certified. And I also earned the prestigious Global Professional in Human Resources GPHR designation that shows my mastery of the human resources industry!

Well, I have achieved many of my professional goals, even if TJ Maxx decided to not appoint me its International Head of Human Capital Management. And because of my career success and the size of my 401(K) plan I have decided to once again embark on my destiny of dominating the professional wrestling industry.

But once again, the lack of professionalism I find immediately upon my arrival here in PRIME is downright disturbing. As I said, the lawsuit and workplace discrimination claims I could file through the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission would end the existence of this promotion and would result in me taking possession of your homes and evicting each and every single person on this roster and quite possibly every single person watching at home from your homes in front of your crying children.

Alas, I will not do this as long as the powers that be that run this promotion acquiesce to my demand. 

I want to be appointed as PRIME’s Director of Human Resources. And I want to be appointed to this position IMMEDIATELY. 

Once given that job, I will make everyone from whoever the president of this company is to the lowliest toilet scrubbing janitor take an in-person sensitivity training class in order to show me the respect that someone of my accolades should be afforded.

As so many in this promotion have an ample social media presence, I will require each and every single person employed here to take an in-person seminar in best practices in digital communication that will detail proper usage of PRIME computers and how not to fall for anti-phishing scams.

I will turn this company into a streamlined organization where the proactive who match messaging synergies will thrive while those who lack the core competencies needed to achieve in today’s modern workplace will simply be fully cast aside. 

PRIME Wrestling, be prepared! Because “Mr. Middle Management” Mike McGee is here, and you will see that I am no journeyman but I am instead a game changing thought leader. ‘

Get ready, everyone…because open enrollment begins today!