Darin Zion
Dear Vickie—
I’m stuck and don’t know what to do with life right now. I’ve felt like I lost LOVE because BY tossed me out of the Culture Shock Battle Royal. But now my heart feels warm watching Lee Best’s little spoiled brat of a grandson get his ass kicked by BY Jelly. Honestly, while I’m Switzerland in loving both PRIME and HOW equally—it gave me great pleasure watching Tyler Best get PWNED by a man he kept calling a crybaby and projecting his feelings towards. Gotta admit, if you put the X-Ray up to REAL LOVE’S® chest—my heart was cured immediately.
It’s why I am returning home to the Convoy. Soul searching has kind of sucked for me these last few months. All I’ve found was a couple worthless hookers, an ex-lover, and one gigantic failed loss against Bobby Dean.
If I’m being honest; I couldn’t do this without the LOVE CONVOY® or my HOW friends. You guys are the stuff that keeps me going in all this. I’ve packed my bags up from the retreat and I’m on plane to rejoin you guys. Honestly, the PWA needs the CONVOY; even if things aren’t looking well for REAL LOVE at the moment. A half-hearted Darin Zion is better than a lost one in the LOVE CONVOY®.
And let’s be frank—with everything changing in the PWA—LORD KNOWS they need a little injection of love shot in the arm.
Look at the PWA Co-World Champions…they’re terrible people. They don’t believe in our cause. They believe in treating people like assholes and gaslighting the rest of the PWA promotions into bowing to their every whim.
Well EEEEEEEEFFFFF THEM! The Love Convoy doesn’t subscribe into this elitist bullshit behavior. We’ve always believed EVERYONE needs to find LOOOOOOVE. THE POWER OF LOOOVE CONQUERS ALL!
But I don’t know what to do right now, Vickie…
See this week, I’m stepping foot into the ring against Arthur Pleasant. From what HOW’s told me—Pleasant is some little wanker baby who cries and pouts as soon as he loses. He’s some pathetic loser who subscribes to the theory he’s the best damn wrestler on the face of the planet. The dude walks out as soon as he loses. And let’s face it—when Arthur Pleasant steps into the ring with Darin Zion—certified HOW wrestler and PRIME’S LOOOOOOOVER BOI….something in the air will come over him. He’ll need some of BY’s Charmin TP.
It’s easy for me as an HOW wrestler to cut jokes—write off Pleasant like every other HOW wrestler would do. It’s in my blood to think I’m the superior wrestler to everyone in the PRIME roster. I’ve grown up in that system over the past decade and it’s easy to coast on those morals that Lee ingrained into me.
BUUUUUUUUUUUT….
That’s honestly now how I view Pleasant.
Deep down after wrestling with the man in War Games nearly 2 years ago—he functions on violence and pain. The sense of sadistic, methodical, pain-driven wrestling drives this man to do horrible things to his opponents. The sick and twisted mind games Arthur plays in the ring make him one of the most dangerous opponents I’ve ever stepped into the ring against. Not a lot of people recognize that Arthur once held HOW LSD Championship—a belt that many wrestlers will kill to possess. They’ll tear their opponent’s limb from limb like brutal savages.
REAL LOVE cannot afford to get his face ruined at this stage of the game. It would ruin the night of our fans in Washington D.C. I can’t leave all our fans mortified with an ugly face with a loveless heart.
I need to beat Arthur to regain any shreds of credibility I have left in the LOVE CONVOY® and reach the top of the mountain in the Alias Title Division. I’ve got to get that one elusive win so we can gain the PWA Co-World Championships and dominate the entire PWA with LOOOOOVE.
I’m at a loss and feel directionless at this moment. I feel like a sub sinking to the depths of the bottom of the ocean with my career. Please help me find purpose once again…
Sincerely,
LOST AT ZION
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Zion crumples up the note he’d been writing for the last half-hour and tosses it over towards Vickie Hall’s direction. The childish Darin immediately hits a button on his phone to make the “You Got Mail” noise like the old-school 1990’s AOL e-mail service did. PRETTY PINK® continues to apply her make up, ignoring Zion’s whims. Darin lets out an audible groan, rolling his eyes while he makes his way towards Vickie’s Vanity Corner. She quickly sticks her finger up, forcing Zion to wait while she finishes primming herself for the day.
Vickie Hall: Really, Zion? We don’t have time to play your childish games right now.
Darin Zion: Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease Vickie! I need you and the Vow of Virtue’s help. I’m tired of trying to figure things out on my own at this point.
Vickie Hall: Darin….please my lovely, STAHP! We don’t got time to play Dear Abby today with me. You’ve got more important things to handle right now. You’ve got autograph signings at Shop Made in DC all day long. You got to keep the fans happy.
Darin Zion: That’s all I’ve been doing since rejoining the LOVE CONVOY. I’m literally people pleasing all the damn time. Signing babies and kissing autograph books….
Vickie rolls her eyes while she continues to ignore Darin Zion’s pleas. As she applies her bright pink lipstick, Vickie puckers her lips, now intently gazing on her beautiful face.
Vickie Hall: BAAAAAAABY STEPS Zion! BAAAAAAAABY STEPS! There’s nothing wrong with taking a step back and doing the boring tasks….
Jonathan-Christopher Hall (Popping Out of Nowhere): Helps you appreciate the finer things in life. There’s stuff I do that…
JCH turns around to see Vickie’s glaring at him and he doesn’t finish that thought. He doesn’t have the energy to put up with Vickie’s bullocks today. He pats his bestest buddy on the back before rubbing Zion’s luscious blonde hair hard.
Jonathan-Christopher Hall: You’ll do fine, BFF. You gotta do the PR work for the Convoy so people feel the energy and love. That’s what you do the best, buddy. You build the hype and the pizzazz for us. You’re our heart and soul. You’re the bread and butter…whatever other metaphors you need to hear from me to encourage you. You’ll help us get those PWA Co-World Championships in no time, buddy.
Darin Zion rolls his eyes before tossing JCH’s hand off his back.
Darin Zion: Fine! Whatever you say…do the work. Gotta start back somewhere to find the love again….
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[Jabber DM Service]
@REALLOVEZION: FFS! Please get me out of this signing. People keep sticking their disgusting babies near my money maker. The smell of their diapers makes me wanna fuckin’ puke.
@ZIONFANXO69: TEE HEE! GAWD I bet that would suck! The one part of pro wrestling I would totally hate if I had the spotlight on me.
@REALLOVEZION: It’s seriously them and their Karen mothers wanting a fuckin’ house father at their GD houses and those fat, worthless soccer moms from across the USA beg me to marry them every damn time. Why the hell would I wanna date someone that weighs 990 tons and has the face that looks like a Pepperoni Pizza. OMFG I’d die trying to make love to those manatees.
@ZIONFANXO69: Well hopefully once you’re done I can help cheer you up before you get ready for your big match with Arthur Pleasant. After all, you deserve ALLLLL the loooooooove 😉 tee hee hee hee hee!
From out of nowhere, TCG jumps behind Zion and nuzzles him, causing Zion to toss the last model of his Zi-Phone 13+ in PRIME BLUE up in the air. The phone shatters while Zion’s face turns a bright red. His fists shake at his side as the Nuzzle Lord chats with him in a positive, uplifting tone.
Tristian-Crispin Gladhappy: WHAAAAAAAAACHA DOOOOOOOOOING?! Is there someone you are TAAAAAAAAAAAAAALKING TOO?
Tristian’s eyes bat like a little puppy dog. His eyes begin to twinkle all excited and giddy. Zion’s face blushes a bit, even behind the angry scowl he’s flashing at TCG.
Darin Zion: If you must know, I did meet someone on my journey a few weeks ago. We’ve talked a bit….
Tristian-Crispin Gladhappy: OOOOOOOOOOOH! Zion and…
Tristian pauses in the middle of his song, staring at Zion, waiting for him to finish the sentence with a name. TCG’s smile beams for a long time while Zion brushes him off while he’s killing all the fun.
Tristian-Crispin Gladhappy: COOOOOOME ON ZION! TALK TO ME! Spill the deets!
Darin Zion: No! I’d rather not get into distractions right now with a big upcoming match. I’m here to get through this damn autograph signing and get some much needed gym time and pool time.
Tristian-Crispin Gladhappy: Zi-Guy, you can’t leave us hanging like this….you can’t just bring someone random into the Convoy…
Zion rolls his eyes at TCG before resting his hand on his forehead.
Darin Zion: It’s simply a distraction, Triss. Some way I can blow off some steam…get some nuzzles and cuddles and kisses and hugs…you know….STUUUUUUUUUUFFFF. REAL LOVE living his best life right now.
Zion elbows his other bestie in the rib cage a couple of times before flashing him a smile.
Darin Zion: Besides it ain’t gonna help my stamina if I….um….act on it with 48 hours left. I gotta remain in pique condition. And I know Vickie won’t be happy if I lose yet another match after losing to Bobby Dean. I’ve gotta redeem myself.
Tristian-Crispin Gladhappy: YEEEEEAAAAH, you better make Vickie happy, bro.
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Twitter:
@PRIMETIME_fanboi: OMG! Someone loooooooves Darin Zion? WTF is up with that?
@EggBandith8er: SRLY! Why doesn’t Bobby Dean got this woman? He’s TONS of fun compared to Zion.
@BYTPDeal420: Bro might need some tissue….can I suggest Zion a good TP dealer? His life might get a bit Crusty without one…
“GOD DAMNIT! TRISTIAN! Seriously the dirt sheet know all the fucking details…” Darin thinks to himself while finishing his rowing exercises while the bleeps from Twitter kept exploding his Zi-Watch Series 8. Everyone and their dog was getting into his business and mocking him. This is exactly why Zion likes to keep his personal life under wraps.
Zion strolls over towards the ring where the Vow of Virtue is training. Zion steps into the ring, readying to spar a bit with his best friend, prepping for his match. But JCH quickly stops him crossing his arms.
Darin Zion: What? You two?
Jonathan-Christopher Hall: Is she gonna be a distract to you this week, bro? ‘Member how Meredith impacted your game.
Darin Zion stared Jonathan direct in the eye while he speaks with fervor in his tone.
Darin Zion: No distractions this week. I can’t let them get the best of me right now. If I don’t focus on this match…it’s the end of me. I have everything to lose right now. I’ve got to take down Pleasant for my own dignity, buddy.
Jonathan-Christopher Hall: Excellent, Zion! It’s good to see your commitment towards our cause. We began to worry about you….hovering over there with EWWWWW….H-O-W!!!!
Darin Zion: Our mission exceeds promotional loyalty…we must show love’s power to the entire world. We must open people’s eyes to what love can do for them. What love has done for me.
Jonathan-Christopher Hall: And….
Darin Zion lets out a heavy sigh—it’s almost like he doesn’t want to recite the next part, almost tearing him apart inside.
Darin Zion: How it’s made me the 4EVER ALIAS AND TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS. I AM THE #LOVESTILLDOMINATES 4EVER Weight Champion….I’m an undefeated machine….
Jonathan-Christopher Hall: SAY THAT WITH MORE MEANING, ZION! SAY IT AGAIN!.
Darin Zion: I am the 4EVER TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS! I am undefeated! I am undeniable! I am the #LOVESTILLDOMINATES 4EVER Weight Champion. I AM THE 4EVER ALIAS CHAMPION!
A slow clap echoes from Jonathan-Christopher’s hands while he nods at Zion who bows to his best friend and master.
Jonathan-Christopher Hall: Buy into your own hype, my man. That’s your problem right now. You’re not loving yourself enough. You’re not releasing the negative energy you’re harboring up. It’s okay to hate BY or other PRIME talents for stealing what rightfully belongs to you, Zion. Make them feel them feel it when they step into the ring with you.
Jonathan raises up his hand and lays a hard smack against Zion’s bare chest, leaving a giant red welt on it. He continues the process a few more times until Zion’s chest is burning with pain. Zion keeps standing, grinding down on his teeth, not trying to sell the pain.
Jonathan-Christopher Hall: Make them feel that pain you’ve experienced the last four years. SHOW THEM WHY TOUGH LOVE DOMINATES! It’s your one power, Darin. The anger and frustration must trickle out and turn into LOOOOOOOVE for the entire world to see. Let love free you from this bondage of embarrassment. Let LOVE wash away your sins, Zion. You can do this and put away Arthur Pleasant.
Darin Zion: Absolutely, we gotta….
Jonathan-Christopher Hall clears his throat…
Darin Zion: I gotta do this for the betterment of the PWA. I’ve gotta do my part and carry my weight for the LOVE CONVOY®.
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Arthur Pleasant….
I love you; I really do. Contrary to what other’s from where I come feel. You’re truly one helluva talented individual. I caught first glimpses of your talent when wrestling along side you in War Games. I share a mutual respect for you that you shared for me at the time. You’re honestly someone I think has a bright future within the PWA, someone who will dominate PRIME and climb up the rankings.
And while you like me…I wouldn’t blame you for wanting to chew me up and spit me out to build your body count up here in PRIME. It’s a fresh new start and you’re looking to climb up the rankings. You’re going to want to make an example out of me for the entire world to see.
But I cannot let you do that. My last match, Bobby Dean singlehandedly embarrassed me in front of the world and turned me into the laughing stock of the LOVE CONVOY. NONE OF THE FUCKING BANDITS have ever beaten me in one on one action.
And now….you’re the person I gotta go through to re-establish the Love Convoy’s dominance at becoming the PWA Co-World Champions….
I’m sorry buddy, but for the sake of LOVE….I gotta end my dry spell and rub some stink on you. I gotta turn you into the joke I’ve become. I gotta rub some of this nasty ass horrendous stench of loss onto your record, buddy.
I don’t care what that will do for your career. I don’t care if it forces your hand or if it makes Lee Best one right mother fucker. Hell, I don’t even give two shits if it stops me from getting invited to fancy dinners in your name or whatever.
I’ve gotta beat you. I’ve gotta establish love’s dominance and show why THE LOVE CONVOY is the best God damn thing in the PWA today.
I’m sorry for everything I will do to you my friend. I’m sorry for unleashing an ugly, nasty version of myself when I step into the ring. I’m sorry for the monster I am about to become at the hands of LOVE.
Please understand Pleasant…this is not personal…it’s strictly business in the name of LOVE.
It is my destiny to become one half of the next PWA CO-WORLD CHAMPIONS with my bestest friend in the whole world—Jonathan-Christopher Hall. It’s predestined we will ascend to the throne of the PWA and spread our love to all the corners of the worlds like prophets.
And I gotta do nasty things to show how much this love means to me…
So come at me with your violent, degraded, hate-filled, cold heart.
I promise to warm it up and show you the message that the CONVOY bringeth to the world.
LOVE ALWAYS WINS!!!! NO MATTER WHAT!