Lawyers, Always Lawyers (PWA-02 RP1)

I love vindication. Maybe that’s not exactly a babyface quality, but honestly, I’ve been feeling rotten lately for reasons I’m not entirely sure you care about, Mike, but a huge one is dealing with corporate lawyers. Imagine that, spending all that post-grad time just to run over to the nearest billionaire to look for a boot to lick. Say what you want about an ambulance chaser, but at least John Morgan has earned the right to put up shitty local billboards across the country because the dude makes sure people like you and your pirate millionaire dad pay out their fair share.

Dealing with lizards in suits is bad enough, but over podcast comments criticizing your little dick punching sewing circle? Really, Mike? The irony isn’t lost on me, but I guess the joke’s on me too since I got myself dragged into one of these 2004-era yo’ momma joke-driven fight club matches. Haha, everyone point and laugh at The Anglo Luchador. Seems to be a running theme of 2023. Glad you thought about reaching across the aisle to pick a fight. I guess you could ask Jace Parker Davidson how that turned out for him, but I’m guessing as many people in your police state masquerading as a wrestling fed want to talk to him as there are in PRIME who do. I don’t like you or your family, Mike, but I’m not cruel.

But I am not above celebrating the little things. The fact that I can go on a podcast and shoot off at the mouth and get you so mad that you need to send the lizard men after me at my place of work? Yeah, man. I love pissing off the right people. You, you’re the right person to piss off. Greatest HOW Champion ever, yeah, I don’t care. Accolades don’t scare me. In fact, they only push me harder to make sure I’m challenging and defeating the right people. I could beat some jabroni like Stevens, but where’s the fun in that? In fact, maybe you could tell me since he’s one of six people on your roster. With a weekly slate, I’m sure you get a whole shitload of reps against him.

Anyway, one of the big things about lucha libre that people don’t know about, and well, since you too have done the whole “gringo dipping his toes into the waters down in Mexico” thing, you probably do, is that it’s not all flips and pretty submissions. Luchadores can fight, and in fact some of the grimiest, grisliest, bloodiest brawls in wrestling history have happened in Mexico. It’s the biggest reason why LUCHA ESPECIAL 3 is happening at a junkyard. I need that bloodlust sated sometimes. Thankfully, you volunteered quite nicely, Mike. That’s not an admission that this is going to be easy. I’m not doing this because it’ll be easy. I’m doing this because it’ll be fun.

Few things give me the pleasure that making some shithead bleed does, and maybe that’s why I have always been attracted to deathmatches. I know this match isn’t one, but, I mean, violence is in the DNA in both, right? Right. Either way, you’re gonna bleed. You’re gonna wake up in the morning with a headache. And you’re going to sit and wonder, win or lose, why the fuck did I have to get lawyers involved? Although I have to admit, the one perk of having to deal with the mountains of paperwork and having to talk to your scummy corporate brown-nosers is seeing the look on your kid’s face when he was the one who had to serve me. Man, he hates you.

But in case you don’t get the gist of what I’m saying, let me lay it out for you in terms you might understand given how these promo battles generally go. Ready?

“Hurrrrrr Miek Best? More liek Mike WORST! Har har. Yo momma’s so fat perfume makers wait around for her to vomit so they can get their yearly haul of ambergris.”

See you at Arena Mexico, dickhead.