Private: Rocky de Leon
Skreep Your Eyes Open – Laredo Neighborhood Watch v1
Thanks to Martha for voluntelling me to send out the weekly newsletter. It’s not like I don’t have enough shit to do, or train, or recover from an illegal nut shot or anything. Anyway, folks, your bullet point bulletin for the week:
- The local cemetery has had a recent rash of copy-cat grave pissers. Parents are encouraged to teach their tweens about the dangers of pissing on the dead. We don’t want to encourage a repeat of London ’04. If you see someone whipping it out over my dad, please call the cops. If it’s over the other Mateo, just call Espy so she can do whatever it is she does with that information.
- Someone stole 45 pounds of ground chuck from Tacos Kissi. Uncooked. I legitimately can’t come up with a good reason to do this, so if you see the perps tell them I really just want to know *why*?
- Street lights are out on 9th, so be careful with winter evening walks/jogs. And no, Sam, I will not go play Lucha-Batman. Vigilantism pays even worse than my newbie PRIME check.
- Attached to this email, everyone should find a few photos to train your guard dogs with. I strongly recommend keying them on the image of the dude with pointy teeth. I think it’s safe to assume anyone with that body mod isn’t here to play chess.
- Finally, we’ve had some reports of a bear in the neighborhood. Pretty sure this is just due to some teenagers being morons with the anonymous report line, but in the freak event a bear has made its way down here from the midwest, please see the link below for bear spray. Also works on Russians. Allegedly.