Private: Shawn Warstein
“God Dammit!” Everything from the table sitting directly in front of me crashes all over the floor. I slam my fist down onto the top, bowing but not breaking the table. The sweat from the match I just lost is slowly soaking into the towel draped over my shoulders. A few red spots dot the damp cloth. “This fucking place man…”
I reach my hand out to my left and find the seat empty. I quickly scan the room and find Donovan sitting in the opposite corner hammering away on his laptop. “Seriously D?”
The pale glow of the laptop lights up the clearly sleep deprived Donovan. Bags under his eyes, those same eyes bloodshot and eyelids that are barely keeping themselves open. He breaks his concentration for a moment and looks away from the computer for just a brief moment. “Yeah, Nah, Yeah mate. Kinda in the middle of something.”
“Obviously.” I stand up and limp towards him slowly. Without a word said Donovan slides a chair from next to him towards me. With a grunt and sigh I lower myself down onto the chair. “Thanks.”
“Mmhmm.” He didn’t even look up.
“You know you’re being a real Chuck Bass right now.” Suddenly Donovan’s eyes grew wide and his jaw dropped.
“You—-you didn’t?” He began shaking in excitement. “Mate, tell me you didn’t just google that? Tell me!”
“Tell you what?”
“Don’t you play fuckin’ Barhory with me now!” Donovan closes the lid on his laptop and tosses it aside.
“I may have watched a few episodes.” I place a finger over my lips and shush Donovan. “And if anyone finds out I swear to god I will filet you from chin to taint.”
“No need to go all cult cutter on me. Mums the word.” I could visibly see the gears turning in Donovan’s head. He quickly looks up towards me and then shakes his head.
“Just ask.” I roll my eyes. “But make it quick. The offer won’t last forever.”
The look of pure excitement on Donovan’s face was equal to that of a child getting a PlayStation 5 on Christmas morning. “So what made you do it?”
“Watch the show. Was it my pestering? A morbid curiosity?” He nods his head quickly and waits for my answer.
“Kasey.” It was a quick answer and the look of disappointment from Donovan was paramount. “She read your blog and saw the reference. Then asked me if I had ever seen it, and next thing you know we were curled up and bingeing the show.”
“YOU BINGED IT?!?” Donovan was still more excited than I’ve ever seen. “So what did you think? You finished it right?”
“No. We didn’t finish it, but I figured out who Gossip Girl was on episode three. Kasey wasn’t too happy with me after I told her it was Dan. She said something along the lines of I can’t enjoy things without ruining it for myself.” I wince in pain as I lean back in the chair. “She’s already seen it and corroborated my findings I didn’t feel it was necessary to go any further.”
“Oh.” You would’ve thought I just killed his puppy with the look of disappointment. “I mean it’s not for everyone.”
“Yeah. It’s for tweens and people trying to re-live their youth.” A slight shrug. “But that’s not what we need to talk about.”
“Oh I see the time has passed. Okay.” Donovan reaches for his laptop and flips the lid up. “Go forth and speak.”
“Donovan my man, I’m about to show you how you get a week off.” I groan as I lift myself off of the chair and stretch slightly. “After the work I’ve put in here so far, one week isn’t going to kill them.” I clap my hands in front of his face. “Chop, Chop.”
The sounds didn’t faze his one iota. “Yeah mate, you’re already booked.”
“What? How?” Perplexed, I sat back down on the chair, now my mouth was agape.
“You see Shawn, there is this thing called the internet, and along with that comes this great invention called E-Mail… or to you Electronic Mail. They sent out the new card like a few minutes after the Main Event.”
“Seriously? They are quick.” I nod slightly. “So going down to the office and demanding a week off isn’t going to happen?”
“Probably not. They wouldn’t want to lose their Main Event. So short of you having a stroke, which might not be that far off, looks like you’re away from Kasey for another week.” A slight smile from Donovan.
“Dammit. Well at least tell me who it is then.”
“Ahh yes. Julia Bathory.”
“I’ve heard it both ways.” I click my tongue and continue. “The cultist right?”
“Executive Director of MESSIAH.”
“Did I ever tell you that I was in a cult once?” I questioned.
“I think so, maybe. I’m tired, man.” Donovan rubs the corners of his eyes and yawns.
“Fair enough. Just know this, when they say they are offering super dope haircuts…” I run my hand through my hair. “It’s just a buzz cut. I did have fun and that’s just because I followed a firm set of rules.”
“And that was.” Yawn.
“Don’t drink anything handed to you. Don’t stick your dick in crazy and note everything. You never know when you need to turn state’s evidence.”
“You were a narc?”
“Nope. Just kept my nose clean… well other than the massive mounds of cocaine. That was a fun summer.”
“Tell me about it.”
Hello True Believers,
It’s ya boi Donovan back again for another weekly insight into the mind of Shawn Warstein….
I’m going to be honest with you… I’m tired.
Like so tired.
He said something about the summer of love. Not like love love, but love of drugs. Apparently he says the Catholic Church is a cult. Same with Mormons, and LDS, but apparently….
I forget the punchline.
I’ll write the rest of it down if I rememberrrrrrrrrrrrzzzzzzzzzzzz…