The Audit: Crisis on Infinite Kennys

??.??.??
Somewhere in the Multiverse

We open inside a room enveloped in darkness, with just the faintest visual of what is inside: silhouettes of chairs upon chairs set in rows, along with a tall bench of some sort. Suddenly, the lights flicker on, revealing precisely what we’re looking at: a courtroom, but with a distinctly sci-fi twist. The walls of the courtroom pulsate with a dim blue light as a door slides open.

A group of beings of all shapes and sizes file in through the doorway, walking and gliding as appropriate toward a bench off to the side. Moments later, a door on the opposite side slides open, making way for a tall creature wearing a judge’s robe and old-timey wig that crawls over to a stand in the middle, taking its seat as we notice a gavel on the desk.

After another moment, a pair of doors swing open from the rear of the courtroom, as an audience comes in representing all corners of the Multiverse. Humans, humanoids, trapezoids, and everything in between take their seats…and then, we see them.

Aeon Khronos is the first to enter, a look of concern on his face as he approaches the table for the defense. Immediately behind him is Kenny Freeman, a dejected look on his face as he approaches the same area. Kenny’s head is hung low during this time, except when he finally arrives at the table…at which point, he looks around at his surroundings, a mix of confusion and disappointment now worn upon his visage as he takes his seat.

The pair are soon joined by a reptilian figured, dressed to the nines in what appears to be an expensive suit as it approaches the table and takes a seat next to them. The prosecution soon follows, a pair of avian suit-wearers accompanied by none other than Rhetth Khan, a smirk on his face as the trio take a seat at the table opposite from them.

We turn our attention back to Kenny’s face, zooming in close before a record scratch cuts in, followed by the distinct opening tones of “Baba O’Riley” by The Who…and Kenny’s voice speaking, despite his mouth not moving.

Yep, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I got into this situation…

12.31.22
Elsewhere in the Multiverse

Finally, a more clear cut timeframe to work with, evidenced by the comically large clock on a white wall, ticking away the seconds toward midnight on New Year’s Eve. We soon see more of the room the clock is in, a busy office with paperwork of all sorts stacked on top of a desk; on one side, an older woman carefully reading from a file folder, and on the other…the Masters of the Multiverse themselves, Kenny Freeman and Randall Schwartz. The latter looks very uncomfortable as he leans over, whispering into the ear of his smaller compatriot.

“You think this is gonna be done anytime soon? I need to get on the bus to head to Mexico tomorrow, and I sure as hell don’t wanna miss it because of…this.”

Kenny just shrugs at the question, unsure of how long such a process would take. The woman reading the file catches wind of the exchange, looking over the top of the file folder at the uneasy duo sitting across from her.

“Mister Schwartz, this audit is a very careful and thorough process,” the woman drones, her voice sounding awfully raspy as she puts her focus back on the folder. This, naturally, draws a sigh from the Entertainer as a blue portal opens from behind the pair. The light surrounding the portal shimmers as Aeon Khronos steps through, taking a seat next to his charges to the annoyance of the woman watching the portal close back up.

“Mister Khronos, you can always walk in like everyone else.”

This garners a chuckle from the Master of Time Itself as the woman sets the file down on the table, turning her gaze to the pile of paperwork that still remains before chiming in once again.

“So, you two,” that raspy voice rings through the office, garnering a look of worry from the duo as she continues, “there is a lot to sift through. You two went through quite a bit the past few months, and your actions have left some nasty scars across the multiverse.”

She picks up another folder from the top of the pile, opening it with a furrowed brow as she scans the information within with her eyes.

“Let’s start with…bringing yourselves in to help you win a wrestling match.”

She lowers the file, giving them something of a glare and a smirk.

“Really, fellas? Sounds like you heard about the old school ‘twin magic’ gag, and took it to heart. Unfortunately, doing this caused quite the stir. We actually lost inflection points as the multiverse tried to put a kibosh on inter-versal travel…and we have you two to blame for it.”

Suddenly, the woman looks around, realizing that something…or rather, someone…is missing from these proceedings.

“Speaking of which, where are those guys you dragged out of their respective worlds? We need to send them back ASAP as possible.”

The turn of phrase strikes the duo as confusing, but Aeon interjects on their behalf.

“We sent them back shortly after we were given instructions to do so by Mr. Khan.”

The woman slowly nods her head, still glaring at the B-Team before responding.

“Uh huh. One second.”

Reaching under her desk, the woman opens a metal drawer with a light grinding noise before reaching in to pull out…a video game controller of some sort. She sets it upon the table, and we notice a single, solitary button on the entire device…a button labeled X, which the woman immediately presses over and over again.

“You see that, Mister Khronos? That is me having my doubts,” she replies with a chuckle, just as quickly picking the controller up from the desk and placing it back in the drawer before closing it. The screech from metal against metal is faint, but just enough to make Kenny and Randall even more nervous as the woman chimes in once more.

“As it stands, I’m afraid what you’ve presented simply isn’t sufficient to pass this audit. If you cannot provide me with the right information before that clock strikes midnight, we will have no choice but to take you to Multiversal Court to determine whether we need to remove your license to exist.”

Somewhere off in the distance, we can hear the distinct voice of another Randall Schwartz muttering “oh god please, I can’t lose my license again,” much to the confusion of everyone in the office as they look around. Realizing the voice was simply an echo across space and time, they focus their attention on the task at hand as an orange portal opens from behind the B-Team.

“So there you have it, gentlemen, you have about…three minutes to midnight,” the woman says, pointing to the clock. “Get your shit in, or else. Final warning.”

The three men give a nod of understanding as the woman motions to the portal with a bit of a snarl on her face.

“Now get outta here!”

The trio leap up from their chairs, rushing toward the portal before stepping through, the light fading fast as the portal closes behind them.

Spoiler alert: we didn’t get our shit in.

??.??.??
Somewhere in the Multiverse

Kenny blinks twice, shaking his head to get his focus back on the here and now as everyone in the courtroom is instructed to rise to their feet. We soon see the judge entering the courtroom, a slender male humanoid approaching the judge’s bench at the front as the feline bailiff instructs those standing in the viewing gallery to take a seat once again.

“Alright, let’s get down to it then,” the judge grunts as he slams his gavel on the desk. “We’re here at this point in time to deal with the case of the Masters of the Multiverse–”

“B-Team!”

Randall can’t help but interject for clarity, before getting smacked in the head by Kenny as the judge glares at them before resuming.

“–who have caused some irreparable damage to the Multiverse the past few months. This is, frankly, an open and shut case. Fellas, you didn’t so much as try to find your counterparts and return them after your little wrestling match, and I gotta be honest…I can’t believe you care so little about the Multiverse that you would put your own existence in danger just to pick up a victory. Care to explain that little detail, gentlemen?”

Kenny keeps his mouth shut, glancing up at the clock on the wall that reads five minutes past midnight…but Randall seems to have something to say as he rises to his feet with a stern look on his face as he begins.

“Yes, your honor,” Randall replies coyly. “In all the worlds that make up the Multiverse, we could be anything our heart desires. We could be spies, mafiosos, baristas, social media influencers…but at the end of the day, we choose to be professional wrestlers. That doesn’t mean we have to be good guys one hundred percent of the time, however, and sometimes that means taking a shortcut to succeed. Every baddie in the business has taken their share of cheats to get on top, we just happened to take advantage of our resources at Ultraviolence. So, with all due respect to this court and to you in particular, your honor, cut us some slack.”

This surprisingly verbose nugget of wisdom garners a light round of applause as Randall takes a seat again…but the judge is not having any of this, a glare in the direction of the Entertainer making him realize he’s gone and messed up.

“That’s cute and all, but it doesn’t change the verdict. Kenny Freeman, Randall Schwartz, Aeon Khronos, on the charge of nearly destroying the Multiverse, this court finds you–”

Before the judge can finish, however, a shimmering red light fills the courtroom as a portal opens from smack dab in the middle…and from it, a gaggle of men of all shapes and sizes, all with one thing in common: the face of Kenny Freeman.

The fleet of Freemans rush in, shouting at the B-Team to hop into the portal as the bailiff runs to intercede…only to take a swinging neckbreaker by a stout Kenneth onto the floor. The courtroom succumbs to chaos as the flock of Freebirds make their way back into the portal, the red light disappearing as said portal comes to a close…and all the while, the hands of the courtroom clock begin moving in reverse.

“If I could turn back time, if I could find a way…” ~ Cher

Six Minutes Earlier
Earth-PRIME

The red light fills an empty parking lot, the portal opening to drop off Kenny Freemen and two of his counterparts. Noticeably absent is Randall Schwartz and Aeon Khronos…but seconds later, another portal opens, dropping the Master of Time Itself flat on his face on the pavement. Aeon shouts profanities as he picks himself up, rising to a standing position as Kenny-PRIME raises the question that springs to mind.

“So, uh…where’s Randall? He’s got a bus to catch.”

“Oh, we know,” a tall Kenny replies, resting a hand on his counterpart’s shoulder with a smile on his face. “Some of our friends dropped him off at the depot. He seemed to pack kinda light, so hopefully he’ll be fine on his own in Mexico.”

Kenny-PRIME nods in agreement before his twin continues.

“Now, let’s get you back in the swing of things. You’ve got a couple weeks to get to training for your PWA debut against Lexi Gold, and–”

“Who?”

Kenny, who is still taken aback by the journey he’s been on, is quickly clued into his future booking by another twin, whispering the details in his ear…and saying something to the effect of “try not to lose to a suplex out of nowhere,” which garners a chuckle as the taller twin hands him a file folder marked “REVIVAL 22” that Kenny-PRIME just stares at for a moment.

“What’s all this about?”

“Open that in a few weeks, after you’ve dealt with Lexi,” replies the tallboy of the crew with a smirk on his face. “We’re too far back in the time stream for you to know about that right now, but trust me…it’s gonna be a pretty big deal, pretty quick.”

Kenny-PRIME slowly nods in response, reluctantly acknowledging and accepting the situation before Aeon chimes in, finally making his presence known after all that’s transpired.

“Now hang on a second, how do we deal with the Multiverse police that will surely be chasing us down? They’re gonna catch on to whatever scheme you’ve cooked up.”

“Oh, for sure,” the smaller Kenny twin replies with a chuckle. “That’s why we keep running. The great thing about your PRIME company going on the road is we’re not stuck in one place long enough for the squad to find us. So…we run. You’ve got PWA in Anaheim soon enough, and then your first stop on the PRIME tour after that…ReVival 21, if I’m not mistaken. With a capital V for good measure. You’ll notice that your file is for the show after that, and…well, you’ll find out later. Let’s, uh…let’s get outta here, before they find us.”

They all nod in agreement, quickly taking their leave from the parking lot before lord only knows what can find them as we finally, finally fade to…

Ah no, ya don’t.

I, uh…I just read the file on ReVival 22. Holy moly.

Here we are again, Mortimer Knightrider. This is a rematch I’ve been chomping at the bit to get, with the added twist of finding out who advances in the Alias Championship tournament.

Last year was rough for your boy, made worse by not only losing at Colossus but…well, you know by now what’s happened. Still haven’t found Randall Schwartz yet, and that makes me mad as hell…mad enough to take it out on you.

Watching you join the G.A.S. has been weird to say the least, because–among other things–it makes you something of a hypocrite in my eyes. I thought for sure you’d fight a little harder, try and avoid that very fate…but I guess, in the end, you get what you deserve.

It’s the kind of thing that brings into your motivation, Morty, and I’m gonna let you in on a little secret…I’m motivated as hell right now.

I gotta set all this other stuff aside before I step into the ring at the Amway Center. I can’t let the Randall situation get me sidetracked, because this is an opportunity I need to seize.

A chance to advance in this tournament, to become the first Alias Champion of this era of PRIME…and to mold the title, and this division, in my image.

That means a lot going into this year, Morty…taking back control of my career, making sure I garner the respect that I deserve, and it all starts at ReVival when I finally get my revenge on the Kjedi Master himself. With all the jokes others make about your name, the ultimate punchline is gonna be Kenny Freeman getting his hand raised on route to advancing to the next round.

And what happens to you, Morty? How is your boss gonna take this loss? The mind boggles.

What your buddy Tony Gamble does to you in retaliation is none of my damn business. With my pal Randall out of the picture for the time being, I have to look out for me, myself, and I.

Literally.