I’m writing this because we need to write it. We need to get the words out before we lose them again and we need them out in a way that doesn’t get stuck in our throat.
I love you.
We know we’ve said that a billion times in many different ways since we finally decided to be a couple and there will be more. But we’ve never been entirely sure if you ever really know how much love is in here for you. If you don’t, that’s fair. Because honestly, we try to show you in ways that are safe for ourself and for you. On more than one occasion, we have felt that if we stared at you any longer, we would explode right there and then into fireworks and confetti. It’s not an exaggeration or a joke or a metaphor. It’s the truth. In those times, we feel like a nuclear warhead wanting to go BOOM.
Even after all these years, it’s still scary. We’re afraid of what would happen if we pushed that luck, you know? Would we completely lose our mind? Would we push you away? Would we really just…turn into a torrential downpour of flesh, blood, and bone? Don’t get us wrong, it’ll be the best way to go out. But then comes the fear of taking you with us. And in the few moments I can bring myself to think clearly, I know that this fear comes from a bigger problem. The bigger problem of wanting to protect you.
And it’s so fucking stupid. You’re a grown ass man and stronger in every way than any other person we’ve ever met. Mentally, we know that. Mentally, we know you can handle anything and everything. But the remains of our heartsand, the fragments that still can care, are far from rational. You would burn off your wings so we can fly but we would gladly take every bullet ever shot for even the slightest chance of your happiness. Suffice to say, we have never been like this for anybody. We never wanted to love and be loved so much as we do with you.
At the same time, we cannot help but feel like this protective bit of us is only hindering and smothering you. We know we did it while you were still wrestling, not telling you about opportunities because we didn’t want to bother you and put any weight on your plate you don’t need. We feel like we’re a shadow that casts over you, hiding you from everything and making you nothing. It’s not on purpose. We all know it. But it’s there. Festering. What can we do? We can’t stop being what we are any more than bees can stop buzzing.
Perhaps that’s why we have been more hands off when it comes to you…finding yourself or whatever. We know how we can be and the last thing we want to do is force you into some hole that you’ll resent later. You deserve better, Jacky. You deserve the absolute best.
If you desire to come back to the family business, as it were, it needs to be on your own terms and on your own time. You need to shine away from the decaying garden of the Hellcat Spangled Death Squad and if it really must be done, away from us.
But even if you don’t, we won’t make you want for anything. As long as there’s some place that accepts the shitty human money and we can still throw a punch? You can do whatever the fuck you want. You can be a part time Himalayan swami or whatever floats your boat. We will do everything in our power to keep you happy without smothering you to death, whether it be with our status or our love.
The only thing we ask of you (other than your continued love, obviously) is that if we overstep anything, you must call us out on it. Don’t worry about our feelings getting hurt. We’ll get over that.
That’s it. That’s what we got. Wish there was a better way to end this dumb ramble, but it is what it is.