the Glue Everyone Everywhere Vengeance Tour

You did it! All three two of you Glue Boiz made the most out of your title shots at Tropical Turmoil, and now there are three two championships coming home to the Dangerous Weirdos! Hank’s going to pee himself when you tell him all about it!

One thing, just a quick point of order, it’s a little awkward to bring up but it’s probably best to rip off the band-aid now, I think. The Intense Title isn’t the Universal Title, so I hope you understand that per our arrangement, I’m still driving this car. The car being you, you lithe little French Lizard-Poodle.

Hey, heyyyy now, easy, this isn’t a punishment! You did great out there! Collecting the Multitudinal Neck of Anna Daniels, getting to hang out and have a great time with Tyler Best Sid Phillips and Tyler’s Sid’s big ol’ heaps of dong measured and simmering masculinity! So just focus on that for now. Look how shiny the Intense Title  is, all silvery and whatnot…not gold, of course. Certainly not platinum. But you know what? Hey. Hey. Look at us. You and me.

It’s easy to look at this rematch against Mortimer Kjedelig C. Mortgomery Byrnes as a big ol’ negative, if I as the captain of this ship were a Negative Nancy. No stupid victory parade in Chicago that was only going to blow up in Tyler Best’s face I can’t believe that idiot tasteful in-ring celebration with your comrades? You don’t even get one show off to recover from your Pier Six Brawl? You don’t even get one episode’s reprieve to mourn after your favorite sports car and the third-most notorious ride in PRIME was MURDERED MOST FOULLY and drowned in the San Diego Bay?

(the other two more notorious rides are probably like…that one referee’s jet, and that forklift that got Manic Pixie Dream Cally and her boyfriend fired but then the forklift made a comeback and everyone was totally cool with it this time because context or something, and maybe symbolism)

(honorable mention to Hayes Hanlon’s mustache)

(bet you could ride that thing for miles)

Not only that – it seems like every time you scratch and claw and fight your way into a championship in this company, the PRIME Universe conspires against you. Win the prestigious 5 Star Title? Immediately defend it against three men who all hate you, you weren’t pinned or forced to submit, and you lost the title anyway (thank you ONCE AGAIN for the emotional scar, Brandon Youngblood). Win the equally prestigious Intense Title? Immediately defend it on the next show against someone who’s morphed from A Well Meaning Dunce to Another Dangerous Weirdo Former Champion.

(more on that later, but sounds like someone you and I know by the name of Julien)

(I know, sPoOkY cOiNcEdEnCe, keep up)

But I am not a Negative Nancy, FLAMBERGE, no no no. I am Positivity Patrick this week. In fact, I’m going to painfully force you to submit to show you a healthy and fun frame of mind that I’d like to call, the Glue Everyone Everywhere Vengeance Tour.

(it would be a Revenge Tour, but you haven’t lost in like 10 matches and you got your Intense Title shot in the first place by doing really well in the so-called Murder Rumble)

(all I’m saying is it feels like it’s a little one sided, the Venge factor here)

(which is good, if I’m not making that clear – it’s good that it’s Vengeance and not Revenge)

(croissants and cravats all day, baby)

Rematch against a wrestler whose neck is already on your mantle? Good news, he’s a lot weirder now! It’s a rare thing, you know – to be able to have both a First Edition and an Expansion Pack version of the same neck. It’s a real coup for a collector and a fine conversation starter next time you’re forced to interact with one of the other young shitheads in the locker room who want to learn how to collect necks like we do. 

Tyler Best comes through like a real top-level champion and equal contributing partner in your cool new faction and doesn’t shit the bed and have to go crying to his big mean daddy instead of punching him in the face like you would’ve done and you’re now the #1 ranked wrestler in PRIME Brandon Youngblood clutching onto his spot at the top of the roster like Gollum with the fucking One Ring? Good news – one solid win, and I think you leapfrog him in the standings, buddy! You’ll get to clown all over his weird lumpy old man bod for, like, AT LEAST two weeks! You’re already the Winningest Boy in All The Land, and if when you win here, you’re two clear of the field! First to 15! What a world. Cecilworth might even have a chat with you, which is big. His chats are like gold.

FLAMBOrghini’s at the bottom of San Diego Bay and the insurance company says wrestling-based drowning isn’t covered by your plan and no one within 100 miles of the pier has one of those cool giant magnet cranes to fish it out? It’s ok, because it smelled like pennies and Nate Colton’s hog and you’ve been thinking about amphibious modes of travel anyway!

See, it’s all just a simple matter of perspective. My perspective. The perspective I’ve chosen for you and the perspective you’ll obey, or I’ll start really messing with the wires in here and you’ll WISH you were only dealing with the Lake of Uncertainty or whatever the shit it was I told you to make you listen to me before.

…oh, what? Like that’s even close to the worst thing I’ve ever said to you. Ok then, fine. Why don’t you just pout until you’re ready to get to work again?

 

—–

 

“7 juillet 2023
Julia Lavigne
## Rue Schubert, 67000 Strasbourg, France

Salut maman,

Je sais que cela fait plus de trois mois que vous avez écrit, je suis désolé.

J’ai reçu ta lettre, mais j’ai trop peur pour l’ouvrir. J’ai l’impression d’être au milieu de quelque chose de plus grand que moi, et je t’aime tellement que je sais que si je lis ce que tu m’écris, je pourrais vouloir partir tôt et rentrer à la maison avant d’avoir fini ce que j’ai commencé.

Je sais que tu t’inquiètes pour moi, mais ne… je ne m’inquiète pas pour moi. Je pense que je commence vraiment à trouver mon rythme ici, et je l’ai fait tout seul, sans “lui”.

La promesse que je me suis faite était que je me laisserais lire votre message dès que j’aurais gagné le titre universel ici – allez grand ou rentrez chez vous, n’est-ce pas? – mais il s’avère que ce n’est pas le genre de chose que je peux simplement claquer des doigts et créer par moi-même. J’ai gagné un autre championnat ici, le titre Intense, qui est aussi très bien… et si j’arrive jusqu’à Ultraviolence cette année (n’ayez pas peur du mot, c’est juste le titre de l’émission) , cela marquerait une année complète depuis que j’ai perdu un match pour la dernière fois. Je pense que si je peux aller aussi loin, c’est presque aussi bien, et je peux me permettre de le lire.

J’espère que cela a du sens, je sais que cela peut sembler un peu étrange. Tu me manques tout le temps.

J’ai juste pensé que ce serait vraiment drôle si tu n’ouvrais pas cette lettre tout de suite non plus. Telle mère, tel fils, peut-être, sauf que ce n’est pas moi qui choisis de vivre sans téléphone, ha. Je parie que c’est plus calme comme ça. Vous n’avez jamais à traiter avec Jabber.

Je sais que vous vous posez la question, alors je vais vous dire que beaucoup de mes collègues sont de vrais connards, mais il n’y a rien que je ne puisse pas gérer. Je peux battre les plus gros abrutis tout seul, et j’ai même fait quelques connaissances ici. J’espère un jour vous présenter Sid Phillips, et peut-être aussi son petit ami Joe. Je pense que tu l’aimerais – Sid, je veux dire. Joe va bien. Tu aimerais Hank aussi – je lui ai dit que tu as fait le meilleur croque-madame de Strasbourg et qu’il aime vraiment le jambon, alors je parie que tu t’entendrais bien.

Je dois reprendre l’entraînement maintenant – je m’entraîne vraiment dur tous les jours, et non, je ne suis pas toujours assis dans ma chambre à regarder le mur ou à me rouler par terre comme je le faisais quand j’étais plus jeune, ne vous inquiétez pas. Je t’aime, et j’espère que la prochaine fois que j’écrirai, ce sera avec encore plus de bonnes nouvelles.

Ta petite épée,

Julien”

 

—–

 

Aw, were you writing mommy a little letter? You’re fucking adorable, aren’t you. Jesus. Just put her in a home and have a nurse text you with updates, or something. Physical letters are archaic and she’s probably a dinosaur if that’s the easiest way to reach her. And we both know what happened to the dinosaurs, right? EARTH’S GREATEST RESOURCE THAT’S DOOMED US ALL TO THE HORRORS OF CLIMATE CHANGE IN THE FORM OF BLACK GOLD/TEXAS TEA GLUE! We turned them to GLUE!

…oh, you’re not – we’re not? Not with her. Wow, that’s hard wired in here, how did I miss this before? I didn’t even think this was possible. I can’t mess with this lever even if I wanted to. This wasn’t in the brief from Phil. Well, that’s new. Cool. Cool cool cool cool cool.

The layers my dog contains. I’m jealous of Anna Daniels’s frogliens, they probably have a way more fun time with their dog and her “multitudes”, even if we did collect her neck in the end.

Right, so what are you up to now – the wall. You’re staring at the wall. Aren’t you supposed to be training or something? Lots of wrestlers in PRIME are Very Serious about their Very Serious Dojos Or Whatever and their Very Difficult Training Regiments, and I swear 9 times out of 10 when we have these talks you’re two steps away from hanging out under a heat bulb and snacking on a bag of crickets.

…shut the fuck up, you don’t have crickets, do you?

Ok, yeah, they’re technically not crickets, but CHOCOLATE COVERED FIRE ROASTED ANTS ARE STILL A LITTLE BIZARRE, MY DUDE. I don’t care if they’re good, I don’t care if they’re Very South American and you’re Trying New Experiences or whatever shit, you better go brush your teeth right now. Gargle, too. We’re not going to show up on live television to defend your new championship with creepy crawlies in your teefers. I have standards.

In fact, it’s time to go. Field trip. We’re about to fly out to Washington D.C. for this show, and I refuse to sit here and try to craft you some bullshit explanation to TSA about how totally normal your plane snacks are. We’re going to the grocery store to get new snackies. If you’re really good, I’ll let you go down the Fun Aisle. You’re easier to talk to when you’ve been drinking, from my experience anyway. You fight me less. That way I don’t have to dance on these little Mommy Dearest eggshells you’ve got here and I can tell you all about the Vengeance tour.

 

—–

 

Do you still like chips, or did the whole Brets experience ruin them for you forever? It would be kind of a shame for that door to be closed forever, just because of a bad past experience. Remember when you were suspended from Jabber for a month because of emoji SPAM, and then it turned out, Jabber is a toxic cesspool of snipes and bad feelings from the most passive aggressive wrestlers on our roster and the only things worth reading come from Cecilworth because he dances in other people’s butthurt like Gene Kelly sings in The Rain? Turns out the suspension was a blessing in disguise. 

Point is, never say never. Any time a door is opened to grift people out of their money in ways that are no skin off your back, you keep it open at all times. Phil knew about that, and it’s why the Glue Factory generated such substantial income when it was up and running. Nevermind what happened after that, when you became the only voice for the brand in PRIME and Dirk Dickwood didn’t give you access to the books – the info is still solid. Hell, enough people in this company think they can zing you about Faberge Eggs – we let idiots think they understand more than they do, and then we take their money and their necks when it suits us.

Faberge eggs, FLAME burgers, give me a break – these people don’t even know your real name. You’re not FLAMBERGE, you’re not Julien Lavigne, you’re the god damned Lizard King and you’re spending the rest of the summer hoarding necks for the long winter ahead, and it doesn’t matter if you get hurt along the way, because I’m going to make sure you get your neck regardless and if you lose an arm I bet you can just grow a new one.

So get the fucking Brets chips. Get the camembert flavor, you always liked those and they’ll make you less homesick so you’ll stop thinking about your fucking mommy. 

That’s a good boy. And you know what good boys get?

Good boys get to go down the fun aisle. That’s right, boy, pick yourself out a little treatso. Maybe a full-bodied merlot, or a bright summery sauv blanc – you’ve gone with the sparkling rosé, are you kidding me? You want the pink bubbles tonight?

I would sigh if I had lungs, but here we are. I told you to pick out a treatso, and I guess I should consider myself lucky that you didn’t go with a Green Apple flavored vodka or some other baby liquor for baby boys in their early 20’s. 

Chips and wine, a healthy purchase if I ever saw one, even if you’ve still got a baby mouth that likes baby wine. I’ve stopped asking questions about why you’re ripped to shreds and have next to no body fat, by the way, with the shit you’ve been eating lately. That’s someone else’s department. 

 

—–

 

Alright, we made it home, so pop the top of your fancy little bottle and focus up: the Glue Everyone Everywhere Vengeance Tour. 

Two guesses what this is going to be about.

Holy shit, look at the big brains on FLAMBERGE, you got it in one! Everyone in your path is losing their necks for the foreseeable future!

You see, we’re approaching a very important time in our careers here in PRIME. You’re the first wrestler to win the 5 Star and Intense Titles in the ReVival era, and with every passing day, your neck has grown to become one of the most prestigious necks that could possibly be claimed in this company.

(not THE most prestigious neck, as long as a 2 is next to your name, but you get it)

And the reason for that is simple: the last person to beat you, to actually defeat you in a match in PRIME, was the biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch Nate Colton.

(almost said Nate Colon there, for a shoot)

(it might be considered a sick burn if it were 2003 and not 2023)

(or if this was HOW)

(poopy buttholes, etc.)

When did that happen? You already know, you big dumb idiot – it was at last year’s Ultraviolence.

What’s the next PPV?

uLtRaViOlEnCe, of course. It’s right fucking there in front of you. I would hold up a sign, but there’s literally already signs out there promoting this thing in Chicago where Tyler Best gets to show off in front of his home crowd just how dominant this HOW invasion of PRIME has been despite the fact that this has never been a HOW invasion you get to bury your past and put a big damn exclamation point on top. 

And if you think for a single solitary second I’m going to let anyone, ANYONE, hold you back from a year-long undefeated streak?

Well, you wouldn’t know me at all. You wouldn’t know Phil Atken at all.

What we’re willing to do. Who we’re willing to do it to.

Spoilers: the “what” is “dismantle the core humanity, courage, and self-worth of wrestlers with very promising careers brick by fucking brick and neck by fucking neck”. The “who” is “literally everyone they put in front of you, name a name, name a name not even here in PRIME, blackballed pieces of shit like Dan Ryan, it doesn’t matter who”.

This week, they want to put you in a rematch situation because Kjedelig Byrnes has some new buddies in the G.A.S. and he’s been on a heater lately. Well, who’s heater is bigger than yours? Whose new buddies are more dangerous and weird than yours?

Face it – even though you’re the hottest professional wrestler on planet Earth right now, the only reason you won’t be Universal Champion by the time we get to Ultraviolence this year is because Tyler Best is the best worker on the roster today and you’re ok with the Glueminati holding all the gold even if you’re only ⅓ of that they’ll never let you compete for the Uni as long as you’re the Intense Champion out of fear that you’d soon hold All The Gold by yourself – and you would make the rest of the roster quit the business entirely out of shame or fear or both.

And so now – we choose vengeance. Vengeance via glue. We will produce all the glue, we make it out of everyone, and we make it everywhere. Cecilworth will run the hooves through the press in the 5 Star division, Tyler’s meaty toothy dick sledge will bat away the Universal scene and you and I will remind the roster why, for as long as it’s existed, the PRIME Intense Champion has been the most dangerous wrestler in the world.