Private: Mikey Unlikely
The scene opens to a beautiful skyscraper view of the Las Vegas strip. The shot pans to reveal a calm man and woman suited and booted, sitting across the shiny and ridiculously long oak table from an equally suited and booted but rather anxious looking gentleman.
Calm Suited and Booted Man: Are we wasting our time?
The anxious looking gentleman looks at his watch and rubs his chin before taking a long drink of water.
Anxious Gentleman: They’ll be here.
He takes his cell out but has no notifications.
Calm Suited and Booted Woman: It’s been an hour, let’s call it.
At that moment, the doors swing open to reveal none other than an overly excited Hollywood Bruvs. Mikey Unlikely and Jesse Fredricks Kendrix burst into the room with the enthusiasm of a strip club DJ, Mikey in a Hawaiian shirt and surfer shorts, along with flip flops. JFK is wearing an umbrella hat and sipping from a coconut. His tie dye golf shorts clash violently with his VIVA LAS VEGAS polo.
Kendrix: Wait a minute…this is a bit of a weird looking strippees…but she’ll have to do I guess?!
JFK discards his coconut and gleefully rubs his hands together as the woman’s mouth drops aghast at the very thought. The American Bruv turns to JFK and whispers.
Mikey Unlikely: If it is… The talent is NOT GOOD! REPEAT NOT GOOD!
Obviously it’s loud enough that everyone can hear him.
The anxious gentlemen jumps up and tries to shake the hands of each of the Bruvs. Both stare at him with bewilderment. Finally they have to ask.
Mikey Unlikely: Mr. Murrphisto? Is that you!? Wait….
Two plus two finally equals four for Mikey as he makes the connection.
Mikey Unlikely: RUN!
Both men turn to run for the double doors, but they seem locked from the outside. They pull on them with gusto, but they don’t move an inch.
Kendrix: They LIED to us! They said it was my belated birthday strippee weekend extravaganza!
Mikey Unlikely: Goddamit! Every time!
They put their heads down and slowly walk back towards the conference room table. The attorney nods his head quickly. Once again Mikey thinks he’s whispering.
Mikey Unlikely: THIS is the guy they sent to negotiate for us!? He’s Bald!
Kendrix: Negotiation? But we already resigned! Quit! Bowed Out! Called it a day! How many times do you have to resign in this country before they stop paying you to do nothing?!
Unlikely shakes his head. They may never know the answer to that question. Finally the other team stands up and tries to bring the meeting to order.
Mr Williams: Mr. Unlikely, Mr Kendrix… I’m Mr. Williams, representative for PRIME WRESTLING. If you gentlemen will have a seat we can get the proceedings underway…
The pair of wrestlers haphazardly sit down. Kendrix puts his feet on the table, Mikey pushes the water carafe away from his seat.
Kendrix: Listen yeah!? We signed a contract to fight the best tag teams in wrestling history… and here we are, it’s the 4th show, and the HOLLYWOOD BRUVS haven’t even been invited to appear on television yet. Why would we want to risk our lives after being marketed so poorly by this run by night operation!?
Mikey’s jaw drops and his eyes go wide. He’s proud of his tag team partner for having such bravado.
Mikey Unlikely: TELL EM BRUV!
Kendrix: Further Listen…yeah?! Not only did they not debut us on the first night, within the first minute, of the first television show and proceed to have a consecutive hour of Bruvs time. THEY DIDN’T EVEN TELL PEOPLE WE WOULDN’T BE THERE!
Now Unlikely gets heated.
Mikey Unlikely: YEA! CAN YOU IMAGINE THE DISAPPOINTMENT FROM EVERY FAN, HUMAN, STRIPPEE, CANINE, FLAT FUCK AND OTHERWISE! HOW HARD WOULD IT HAVE BEEN TO PUT THE HOLLYWOOD BRUVS NOT SCHEDULED TO APPEAR TONIGHT IN THE CENTRE OF THE ADVERTISEMENTS?
Kendrix: We don’t need PRIME, lads. PRIME is totally obvs just wasting the money spinner that is The Hollywood Bruvs. We have other lucrative endeavours to be spending our time on. Tell ‘em Murrphisto.
The lawyer puts his head in his hands.
Mr Murrphisto: Guys… It’s a legally binding contract. You’ve signed up for X number of matches… until you fulfil your end of the deal, the contract cannot be nullified!
The Bruvs chuckle in unison.
Mikey Unlikely: Gotcha there…. X isn’t even a number, dummy! So clearly this is a falsified document. We haven’t even been given a match yet. How are we going to fulfil a contract when PRIME isn’t doing their part! That said…. The checks are cashing….
Mr. Williams: Well actually guys, X means..,
Kendrix: Whatever it means it doesn’t matter. Murrphisto, we can just buy out our contract, right?! It’s just a drop in the ocean for the Bruvs.
Mr Murrphisto: Well actually, Gentlemen, the checks aren’t cashing…the Prime contract is the only checks you have coming in…
Unlikely slaps the table hard.
Mikey Unlikely: Now you hold on one doggone minute! What do you mean the only checks coming in? What about BruvCoin!? Did you forget crypto? It’s the future! We’ve invested heavily in that regard, and I don’t need you to tell me otherwise.
Mr Murrphisto: Mikey, no one has invested in BruvCoin, I did warn you that if you’re the only investor in something…
Kendrix: What about all those golf tournaments we won? We got the highest scores every single time. Have you ever shot a 105? I don’t think so!
Mr Murrphisto: Jesse…the traditional way to win at golf is to have the lowest score!
JFK’s eyes widen in horror as the penny drops.
Mikey Unlikely: …What about StarBruvs!? THE ONLY go to CoffeeShop/Hollywood Bruvs Merchandise Emporium located in northern Saskatchewan!? OBVS that one did well!
Mr Murrphisto: It’s been closed for 6 months…
The Bruvs lock eyes and realise they’re out of options…
At that moment a delivery guy enters the room.
Delivery guy: Pizza for The Hollywood Bruvs.
Mikey Unlikely: HOW DID HE OPEN THAT DOOR!?
Delivery Guy: I turned the handle…
Mikey Unlikely: FOILED AGAIN!
Jesse takes the Pizza from the delivery guy before nudging Murrphisto.
Kendrix: Uhh…since we’re not as rich as we thought, do you mind?
Mr. Williams: If we can get back to the proceedings…
Kendrix: iF wE CAn gEt bAcK tO ThE pROcEedINgS
The Bruvs laugh hysterically.
GLUEFIST!
Mr. Murrphisto: Long story short boys, you’re out of options, and PRIME has you locked up contractually. I mean, you guys were the ones who insisted on not reading anything before putting your signatures down.
Mikey Unlikely: We don’t read contracts… we get contracts… We expect our legal team to do all the fancy things like…reading… and hiring strippees for birthday parties and belated birthday parties. Clearly you didn’t get the memo.
Unlikely pulls a piece of paper from his pocket marked “Memo”. He slips it across the table.
Mr. Murrphisto: This just says “The Hollywood Bruvs do what they want!”
Mikey Unlikely: Now you get it.
Fists thud against the table as the Bruvs are both grabbed by the scruff of their necks and pulled in the direction of the lady PRIME representative.
Slightly Less Calm Suited and Booted Woman: Enough with the bullshit, we’re spinning our tires here! IF WE COULD PLEASE MOVE FORWARD…
The Bruvs look at one another, and then straighten up a bit. They adjust their collars and sit at attention.
Slightly Less Calm Suited and Booted Woman: My name is Alison Mooney. Let’s get the facts straight. Your resignation has been rejected, you’re out of money, you are contractually obligated to PRIME and you have a match this upcoming week on REVIVAL.
The Bruvs look at each other horrified.
Mikey Unlikely: A MATCH?! IN A WRESTLING SHOW?! ARE YOU CRAZY?!
Alison rolls her eyes.
Alison Mooney: And if you don’t turn up you’ll be in breach of contract and will owe us a lot of money that you don’t have.
Kendrix signals for a moment with his index finger raised in front of the confident looking PRIME Rep team. The pair get up from their seats and move out of earshot, in deep whispering conniving conversation before smuggly returning to their seats.
Kendrix: FINALLY! We see you’ve seen sense and given into our demands after our incredible negotiation skills. We’ll be there! I assume it’s been OBVS marketed as the MAIN EVENT of the show!
Mikey Unlikely: TOTALLY OBVS!
Alison Mooney: It is not the main event…
Mikey Unlikely: Well then we totally are facing the best tag team on PRIME’s roster for the Championships!
He winks at her confidently.
Alison Mooney: No championships are on the line…
Mikey’s flabber is gasted at the revelation.
Kendrix: OK…so who are we fighting?
Mooney checks her notes.
Alison Mooney: Blue Live Crew, Fighting For Nora, and Solid Gold Rock N Roll.
She reads them off with the energy of a sloth. Unlikely looks to JFK with a chuckle.
Mikey Unlikely: Well that’s a stupid name for a tag team!
Kendrix: Kinda long too innit!?
Mikey Unlikely: LONG AND STUPID! I’ve always said that!
JFK agrees but adds a twist.
Kendrix: Yea but I said it first! Oooh also, as well, in addition to, THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!
Mikey applauds while Ms Mooney rolls her eyes and lets out a sharp breath. Mr. Williams interjects.
Mr. Williams: It’s three other tag teams…
The Bruvs look on in horror.
MIkey Unlikey: IT’S THREE ON ONE!? WHAT KIND OF SLAUGHTER ARE THEY TRYING TO LEAD US TOO!? HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO FIGHT OFF SIX OTHER PEOPLE AT ONCE!? DO WE GET SOME KIND OF BODYGUARDS!?
Silence across the table.
Kendrix: Look, lads. I know you guys want us to earn our money but that’s too much, so we’ll just pick one of the teams and that will be that.
Mikey Unlikely: Now THAT seems fair! We’re nothing if not negotiable. We’ll pick Blue Fighting Rock N Roll.
The Bruvs raise their eyebrows and shake each other’s hands as if it’s a deal and get up to leave.
Mr Williams: Guys, It’s one on one on one on one. Every team is fighting for it’s self. I’ve heard of these things being referred to as a Fatal Four Way style match.
Kendrix: Bruv, did you just say FATAL!? Is someone going to die in this match? I’m not ready to die, I’m wayyyy too young for all that jazz.
The Bruvs’ rep interjects after wiping sweat off of his previously mentioned bald head.
Mr. Murrphisto: No one is dy….These guys will be there, I assure you.
Pleased with what they’ve heard the PRIME reps stand from their seated positions and make their way to the doors. They shake Murrphisto’s hand before holding their hands out once more for an extremely annoyed looking Hollywood Bruvs. Jesse looks at Mikey who begrudgingly grabs the hand of the reps.
Mikey Unlikely: Make sure you turn the handle… It’s tricky.
Kendrix finally, but rather begrudgingly, offers his hand to the both of them as they make their way out of the room. The Bruvs look to their attorney.
Mikey Unlikely: YOU SUCK BRUV! WE DIDN’T GET ANYTHING WE ASKED FOR!
Kendrix: NEXT TIME WEAR THE WIG, MURRPHISTO…WE WOULD HAVE GOT A BETTER DEAL! PLUS YOU OWE ME A BELATED BIRTHDAY STRIPPEE!
(Break)
Against a greenscreen the Hollywood Bruvs stand poised. Mikey fidgets with a controller and the PRIME background comes into view all around them. He tosses it away and looks at the screen menacingly.
Mikey Unlikely: Blue Live Crew! Fighting for NORA! Solid Gold Country…Solid Good Rock….
JFK corrects him.
Kendrix: Solid Gold Rock And Roll…
Mikey Unlikely: YEAH! ALL OF ‘EM! I heard someone’s going to die in this match! Well it sure as shit isn’t going to be us! I do my own stunts in all my movies… Have you ever driven a car off a bridge!? Have you ever jumped from a third story window onto a giant fluffy crashpad!? NO! But I have! Sometimes more than once because I screamed a little too much! Tell em JFK!
Jesse reassuringly pats his tag partner on the shoulder.
Kendrix: It was a manly scream, that’s for sure. Have you guys ever been raised in the mean streets of Streatham in South West London? NO! I once had to get bread for my mother and she yelled at me when I bought white bread instead of brown! That was last week. If Mikey wasn’t there to calm her down she could have killed me!
The Bruvs are getting amped up.
Mikey Unlikely: I can’t imagine what would have happened if I wasn’t there to remind his mother about how much she loves my movies! Have you ever had to pick your best friend up from a Strippee who was robbing him!? Cause we have a bunch of times! Have you ever ordered a peppermint mocha, six pumps of caramel drizzle, five pumps of classic syrup, two sugars, four espresso shots, and extra foam. ONLY FOR THEM TO FORGET THE FOAM!?
JFK lets out a yelp and covers his mouth at the lack of thought for humanity just described by his bestest bruv in the whole world.
Mikey Unlikely: That’s how tough we are! You look up tough in the dictionary, and you’ll see a picture of JFK’s older brother! AND HE’S RELATED TO KENDRIX HERE! So here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to sit back and let the six of you goons fight one another while we watch. Then when the time is right, we’re going to take advantage and win the match. It’s that easy… Everyone knows that.
JFK steps forward.
Kendrix: Haven’t you ever watched wrestling before? Why does every team attack each other at the same time? That’s why it’s Fatal…because less experienced, boring and quite frankly, stupid teams like you guys don’t use your brains!
Mikey steps up and hangs an arm over his Bruv’s shoulder.
Mikey Unlikely: It’s not a demolition derby!? It’s a battle for survival. There’s nothing wrong with hiding and cowering away and keeping your stamina! Forget what my high school bully says…There’s nothing you can do to us that we haven’t seen before. Chin locks! Head locks! Padlocks! Even swirlies!
Mikey’s eyes go wide with a bout of PTSD.
Kendrix: Breathe Bruv. We talked about this. Mrs Reed can’t hurt you anymore!
Mikey Unlikely: I’m okay! I’m… OKAY! OKAY!? Okay…. Anyway… Blue Live Crew I just want to know one thing… Who do you think you are?
JFK mockingly trembles his fingers at the camera.
Kendrix: What kind of name is that? Is that supposed to make you stand out from the crowd? We’re all alive and The Bruvs have more than one colour!
Mikey Unlikely: We even spell it more than one way! I just don’t get it. What about Fighting for Nora!? Sounds like a punk rock band…
Kendrix: Fighting for Nora? That’s JFK’s Nanna’s name and she definitely wouldn’t want anyone fighting against her little grandson.
Jesse’s eyes go wide…he’s said too much.
Mikey Unlikely: You mean, big grandson, obvs! You fight for Nora, We’ll fight for Nanna! And the Hollywood Bruvs LOVE JFK’s Nanna!
JFK blows a kiss toward the camera and silently mouths “Hi Nanna” whilst forming a heart with his index fingers and thumbs.
Mikey Unlikely: And finally there’s Solid Gold Rock N Roll! I too love music, and everyone in Vegas knows that! In fact they’ve all heard me sing personally during my recent album tour! You know the one…
Kendrix: An Unlikely Way to Your Heart!
Mikey Unlikely: It’s an album of Soft German Reggae! Everyone’s favorite genre!
Kendrix: I know it’s my favourite! Solid Gold Rock N Roll? I doubt very much that you’re made of solid gold. As for Rock N Roll? That died years ago contrary to what Neil Young had to say about that particular subject. Obvs it’s all about the S.G.R.! We’ve invested in many of Mikey’s new albums… in CD form of course! You might not know it…but CD’s are making a comeback! You better get with it Solid Gold before it’s too late!
With that the Bruvs dust their hands of this mess.
Mikey Unlikely: Hey Hey, My My, we might be new to PRIME, but we’re not new to PRIMETIME! Everywhere we go, the Bruvs find success. We really don’t care if you know who we are, because we’re not afraid to tell you. Isn’t that right Bruv!?
Kendrix: That’s right! Because Mikey is soooooooooo Hollywood!
Mikey Unlikely: …And because Kendrix is soooooooooooo Bruv!
GLUEFIST!
Mikey & Kendrix: Together…We are The Hollywood Bruvs!
Their cadence is slightly off but you get it.