The Pride of Maplewood Russia the child steroids

Welcome To Maplewood

CUE UP: “The Sky Above, The Field Below” by Explosions in the Sky. The ambient, guitar-heavy song sets the tone for the faded film stock to create an atmosphere of what one would expect to see in a documentary about life in a faded Rust Belt town. But instead of closed factories and empty downtowns, we see charming suburban ranch houses with green front lawns, people enjoying coffee in front of the “Morning Brew” coffeeshop and smiling young families.

Mike McGee walks in this downtown corridor. He has on his amateur style wrestling headgear, a Columbia High School varsity football jacket and jeans while walking a border collie.

“I’ve forgiven me. Can’t you?”

Mike continues to walk the dog as people slowly come out of their hands and wave warmly.

“Now, I understand that I might not have gotten off to the best start with a lot of people here in PRIME. I may have been mean to people on social media. But all I’ve ever tried to do is do be the best Mike McGee Mike McGee can be. On top of being a professional wrestler, I am also a highly regarded consultant for human resources in the retail industry. Trying to do be the best at two things you love is hard work. It’s a lot of pressure. So maybe I didn’t present the best Mike McGee that Mike McGee can be. And, also, I was doing a lot of steroids.”

Mike smiles at a child walking past with a balloon. The child lets the balloon fly in the air. Mike stairs up at the balloon with a tear in his eye.

“I was born in Maplewood. I was made in Maplewood. The values instilled in Mike McGee were cut from stone of this very community! This is a small town where we have small town morality even if we have big city dreams! Stay hungry! Stay humble! Work hard! Put others first! That is why you are the biggest hero PRIME has today! Be the role model you were born to be, Mike McGee! Because that is what human resources and professional wrestling are all about!”

The screen freezes. Mike McGee jumps up in the air and catches the balloon, which he then holds as it flies away and brings him to the entrance of a a Five Below. McGee drops from the balloon and opens the door to the Five Below. But as he steps out, there are a few glitches to the video. McGee now walks out with blood pouring from his eyes as his sound is heavily distorted. He still has on his headgear, but also now has on chaotic face paint, is carrying a shield and spear.

“the child whispers a secret to you my opponent tony gamble. i do not know you. but are you prepared to go not just five below but ten below or 100000000 below? do you know what happens when you face a hero? do you understand tony gamble that at revival 24 you are wrestling someone with morals taught to him by the greater maplewood community? the boy with the balloon has a secret he is whispering to you and that secret is for you to do more steroids because that is your only hope. hahahahahaha”

The screen then goes black. But then it comes back on and we hear the Russian National Anthem followed by a shot of The Kremlin. Mike looks around as Russians walking past.

“Now it’s time to help Five Below develop the Human Resources infrastructure needed to become a dominant retail establishment in the Russian retail landscape! I look forward to fighting you, Tony Gamble. May be best man win!”