Tristan-Crispin Gladhappy
PRELUDE
“We accomplished what we needed today.”
Vickie makes a statement in the center of the LOVE CONVOY locker room. Moments after Darin Zion’s victory, now every member of her unit has a recent W to their name.
Tristan-Crispin feels extra motivated with Darin’s success. He walks over to him and nuzzles his face against TOUGH LOVE’s shoulder.
Next, TCG nuzzles himself.
It’s a feel good story all around!
“Everybody, keep focus!” Vickie snaps in Tristan-Crispin’s direction, likely unhappy with how he’s celebrating. “There should be no congratulations yet. We work as a group!”
Jonathan-Christopher remains in the back of the locker room with his head hanging low. The Nuzzle Lord wants to pick up JC’s spirits but listens to Vickie instead so he takes a seat beside Zion and pats him on the back.
Tristan-Crispin knows he’ll be up next week. He’s due for a match so he won’t let Vickie or his LOVE CONVOY down!
“May I?” Gladhappy raises his hand and Vickie acknowledges, giving TCG the floor. The newest member to the LOVE CONVOY walks into the center of the locker room and smiles at each party individually before speaking.
“I will continue to spread my seed for the three of you!” He joyously exclaims. “I feel so accepted in this group.”
Vickie nods along but also eyes Tristan-Crispin with a sense of ongoing judgment.
“I’m glad I showed Jacob Mephisto how to love! I can’t wait to take the next misguided PRIMATE and sprinkle my love juices of wrestling all over the canvas with them! Hurrah!”
Vickie has stopped nodding, although she hasn’t looked away.
“Whoever enters the ring with The Nuzzle Lord will leave changed forever!”
TCG starts to “spin” a fake record like a DJ.
“Let them come and let them be loved! I’ll drop those juicy beats too!”
Gladhappy starts prancing around the room. Eventually, he reaches Jonathan-Christopher and gives him that long awaited nuzzle.
What a time TCG has on his hands. What a team!
It’s up to him to keep the LOVE TRAIN going next week. He’s so excited to continue!
NO MOAR DISTRACTIONS
I don’t remember my couch being this comfortable. It’s certainly the nicest recliner couch in my comfy cozy condo, that’s for sure. It’s my pondering spot. I like to sit here and relate to the world when I have some time off and there is no point like the present to do a little pondering. There are still so many things I want to accomplish in the business of professional wrestling but why am I even here? Why did I get into this? Why am I putting my body through such pain when, in the end, nuzzling is the only true thing that matters to me. I mean, I love me. I am a swell guy. I am a fully self-realized person of love even though it seems to come at a cost. I end up fighting these halfbreeds who know nothing of themselves.
Mephisto was a joke. I took care of him as if he was a Pisces. A Pisces, for crying out loud. He brought shame to the name of being an illustrious Libra and now here we are. I am in my condo, on my couch, recovering from a lackluster challenge, nuzzling myself, wondering, just wondering, who might be out there to challenge The Nuzzle Lord next?
Questions, tons of questions. They swirl around my head constantly as I can gaze across the beautiful but foggy Sacramento skyline. This loft is quite possibly my greatest purchase ever. I love the decor. It is so divine. Even when I look out of the window, my eyes are constantly drawn to the set of decorative crystal balls that adorn my dining room table centerpiece. Makes me just want to get up and touch them.
I mustn’t though. I gotta stay focused. Enough with the distractions. Back on track we go. As I was saying. My couch is comfy, it allows me to relax and enter the most-meta of states. Reflection is the key to self healing, which I know most of my opponents know nothing about. I just want to spread love and I am finding it rather hard to complete that process. Lord knows I’ve tried but there’s been too much resistance from the general public.
Not even defeating Jacob Mephisto, rather soundly I might add, gained me any traction in that department. I guess I gotta move onto the next one. Hmmm, what’s this? You know, I think it might be time to finally upgrade my kitchen cabinets. I’m tired of drab eggshell laminate. I think we should spice it up with some mahogany stained wood. Oh yeah. That color would nuzzle my eyes everytime.
Come on, Tristy. Get with it. Stop looking at ways to upgrade your apartment and start thinking about your next opponent. Immerse yourself in it or else you won’t get to where you want to be, which is the top of the mountain. Maybe I’ll just get up off the couch and grab myself a frosty glass of milk to get the old juices flowing. Milk usually nuzzles my tastebuds nicely.
Hmmmm. My floorboards could use an upgrade too. They creak when I walk on them. Unacceptable if I ever want to sell this place. I heard they have wonderful hardwood floors at the place down the street. I should check it out later though. I need to focus on my next match. Let me just gulp this down first.
AHHHHHHH. One percent always hits the spot. Did I mention I love the view from my condo window? Look at that. Wondrous Sacramento sprawls out before my eyes. It is quite possibly the cleanest and only place in the world where I feel safe.
Safe. Safety. Hmmmm, do I need new door locks? The ones on my condo door don’t seem to always work. That upsets me. Someone like myself, a person of honor who just tries to spread love around the world could easily get targeted. The last thing I’d want is for someone to find out where I live. They could track me down and come into my house at night and I wouldn’t be able to defend myself. That thought is truly troubling.
Okay, you know what. It’s clear this isn’t working for me right now. I can recognize it. I won’t force anything. I am obviously too concerned about my current surroundings to actually focus on PRIME right now. I need NO MOAR DISTRACTIONS.
But how?
The bedroom.
Of course, why didn’t I think of this before? I will lock myself in my room, turn off the lights, lay on the bed and iMmErSe myself into my next opponent. Let’s do it. Follow me there.
LET’S LOCK IN
Okay, so let’s lock in. Let’s do it. I will close my eyes and envision what I have to do in order to beat The Anglo Luchador.
I see many details about you but the one, probably most vital aspect still eludes me. I have no idea what your zodiac sign is and from a compatibility standpoint, that is rather troublesome. How am I to know if we will have elite chemistry in the ring? You could be anything, even a Taurus. Shit. That gives me mighty pause. I must approach with caution because of the unknown. If only I had more details about you at my disposal. Then again, you wear a mask. Therefore you must be comfortable with hiding and concealing your secrets within.
No matter. I will show you the nuzzling way. It’s simple, really. Anglo Luchador, you’ve somehow risen to the third ranking in all of PRIME Wrestling with your tricks and flips but mark my words, you have never handled something the likes of The Nuzzle Lord in your life before. I will be the nightmare that will make you want to unveil your face to the world. Is that what it is? Are you self-conscious about something? I’m sure you have a lovely smile under that mask of yours. Maybe no one has ever shown you true love in your life? Well guess what, I am here. I am all yours and I will show you the nuzzling you deserve. It will make you want to remove your mask and shout out to the world about how much you love love.
Masks are shameful. Masquerading is worse. Unfortunately, you do both. They fall as no-nos in the extensive Gladhappy familial guide to life. Don’t worry though. I shall fix it. Like I have for others, all I need for you to do is be open. Just give it a chance to seep in and all your faults will be corrected because, let’s face it, there’s only so long one can go around faking it the entire time. Eventually, that HAS to catch up with you. Unfortunately, I think it will for you at Revival.
The Anglo Luchador versus Tristan-Crispin Gladhappy is not a wrestling match. It’s more than that. Anglo, you’ll be fighting for your very identity. I know who I am but it’s clear you do not. I mean, you’re from Philly after all. That’s certainly a rough start to life. It’s nowhere near as nice as Sacramento and I’ll show you why in Vegas.
CLEARING MY HEAD
I love running. It gives me solace. As I complete my typical afternoon jog through the streets of Sacramento, I remain focused on one thing and one thing only. That’s bringing the W home. I’ll admit you got into my head a little bit there, Anglo Luchador. I went down a rabbit hole I clearly wasn’t prepared for, what with your ambiguous nature and all.
I need to run faster. I can guarantee you are not preparing as hard as I am. You want to keep your fabulous little ranking you’ve accrued for yourself, don’t you? While I want to wreck it. You probably view me like the rest of the world does; a vile critter trying to get his rocks off at the expense of others. WELL NONE OF YOU ARE LISTENING. Sorry. I tend to get a bit ragey when I go out for runs. I’ll just blame it on the pre-workout Vickie gives me. It’s true though and I won’t apologize for being me at all. I am just being honest. I don’t hide anything.
Love over everything. It’s been my mantra since day one and that has and never will change. What’s your mantra? To be the best luchador ever? Pffft, get bent. Aim higher. Be more respectable. That would be like me saying I want to be the best nuzzler in my family. I was that the minute I was born. Now, to say I want to be the best nuzzler in the world? Well heck, now we’re talking about competition. Have you met my cousin, Jonathan-Christopher Hall? Sheesh, he’s a FEROCIOUS nuzzler. I remember back at the Gladhappy Family Reunion circa 2010, he out-nuzzled six of our extended cousins to bring home the Nuzzle Cup that year. Did I mention I have a big family?
I know family means a lot to you, Anglo. That’s why you hide your face in disgrace. What has your family ever contributed to the world? They certainly don’t own the Nuzzle Cup. Which, by the way, I am the ONLY three time and back-to-back winner of. 2018, 2019 and most recently, I won it in 2022. Vickie won in 2021 for those of you who might be keeping score. I look to defend my crown this year at the annual family picnic and no, Anglo, you most certainly won’t be invited.
HARD EARNED DAY
I love the sound the water makes in my bath tub when I’m soaking in it all alone. Why are bathrooms so echoey anyways? Sometimes I have nature sounds playing in the background but not today. Nothing but silence and solitude will see me through this recovery bath. Oh and of course my accompaniment of tea lights. Those are always so clutch to set the right mood.
I ran hard today, that’s for sure. I had to blow off some steam, what with all the mystery that surrounds my upcoming opponent. I wonder if he uses the same type of bath bombs I do. You know what they say, if you don’t treat your body right, then life won’t be kind back to you. Today I used one of my special bath bombs. This should assist in rejuvenating my sore muscles I ran hard on. I bet you a million dollars Anglo doesn’t do anything remotely close to this.
Hmmmm. Maybe, just maybe he has a skin condition and that’s why he wears a mask. Bath bombs aren’t for everyone, after all. I could see his skin getting easily irritated from such a thing. Okay, that’s fair. Don’t use bath bombs but for the love of love, at least cleanse your skin with some lotion. Don’t stuff it under a mask forever. You’ll clog your pores that way! I’m betting Anglo has an acne problem because of his mask too. So not only will I have to defeat him to show him how to love but more importantly, the both of us will have to deeply delve into his skin care patterns. If he can’t get regimented into something that makes him want to drop the mask, then I haven’t done my job. The facial glow doesn’t just come without being willing to put the work in. I know from experience.
Yes yes, I know. All this talk about work, work, work is not ideal. All work and no play makes Tristan-Crispin a crummy killjoy. So let’s talk about something fun then. Let’s talk about one of my other favorite things besides nuzzling. Let’s talk about these wonderful anime stickers I collect. I brought some into the bath with me in order to reflect and identify more closely with you, Anglo.
See this here? This is a sticker from a favorite anime of mine called Pocket Monsters. I won’t bore you with the details but this sticker represents how I feel about you, Anglo. This is an Unown. That’s not a typo because you’re completely Unown to me. Not much is known about this alphabetized creature, hence their name, and they remind me of you because of everything they conceal. Maybe I’ll give you one of my stickers when we meet in the ring. You can take it home and put it on your journal or your fridge or just keep it in an envelope and reflect on it during a rainy day like I do. Gosh, stickers are so versatile yet they seem to be a lost art. Not many people care for them anyone. Not me. I adore them. I value them because they’re artistic, yet you can add your own story to each one.
Like this one. This is a sticker of a green dragon that gets summoned from seven magical spheres. Look at the ferocity on this dragon’s face. Like, that’s the type of intensity I want to emulate when in the ring. That’s the kind of sheer fear I want to instill inside my opponent. That’s the kind of boot, or in this case, mask shaking I want my foe to experience.
Anglo Luchador, I’ve thought about it thoroughly. I don’t think you should be privy to my sticker collection at all. You need to work on yourself first. Discover who you are. Maybe start your own sticker collection in order to find yourself and gain a proper identity rather than be a little mask toting bitch who can’t think for himself.
Look at me. I’m going off the rails again. I don’t like it when the rage takes over. It’s beyond unsavory and I really need to reel it in before I go too far. It’s just, you’ve constantly been in my thoughts all day and my impatience has been mounting with you. I’ve gone over every aspect of you yet here we are. I’m unhappy with your unhappiness. I’m trying my best to change it FOR YOU. You don’t even have to put any of the work in. Just do what I’ve asked many others before to do. Embrace it. When you meet me in the ring, I invite you to open your arms. Let me nuzzle you. It’ll solve everything.
THE STRUGGLE IS REAL
Now it’s finally time to nestle into bed for the night. Excuse my potty mouth. Did I say nestle? How dare I. I meant nuzzle. I’ll do burpees for that misstep tomorrow. You know what, I’ll just add them to the burpees I already owe for losing my cool MULTIPLE times today. So unlike me. Chalk it up to a character flaw. You know, this typically happens when I go too long between phone conversations with my beloved father. I’ll give him a call soon, I know it. It’s the right thing to do. Wow, Anglo Luchador. You really got into my head over everything. Congratulations about that but that’s where my praise to you both starts and finishes.
You see, I’m the one who asks the questions here. Not you and while yes, your entire mystique is one giant question mark, I’m confident I will walk away triumphant. Why? Because at least I know who I am. I know what I am. I’m The Nuzzle Lord. It’s my life’s ambition. You, you’re a coward who prefers to hide behind a mask and not share vital info with me. Fine. Have it your way. I’m rested. I’m ready.
Come Revival, your clothed head will hit the mat for the three count and then I can get all my nuzzling in after that.
Anglo Luchador, maybe your way of life is right. Maybe I should be the one who dons the mask. That way I could spread love throughout the world with a touch of anonymity. Regardless, when we meet, it will be electric. It will be a show. It will be what everyone will end up talking about.
It will be a struggle. The struggle is real.
And real is worth it.