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Nickname: Strap In Folks You're In For Some Powerbombs, Mr. Powerbomb, Esq. Powerbomb Siddy, Powerbomb Daddy, Powerbomb Uncle, Powerbomb Cousin Twice Removed, the Evil Midnight Powerbomber What Powerbombs At Midnight, the First Pioneer on the Powerbomb Trail, Man vs. Powerbomb, the Powerbomb Sculptor, He Whose Hunger For Powerbombs Knows No Ends, Powerbomb Atum,the Powerbomb Wizard. Powerbomb Sidphony, Professor Powerbomb, pHD, the Entire Goddamn Powerbomb Parliament, Including the House of Powerbomb Lords, The High Priest of Powerbombanity, The Thing That The Manhattan Project Really Feared, The All-Powerbomb, The Powerbomb of the Slain, Grimnir the Hooded Powerbomb, the Powerbomb out of Space, the Tribal Powerbomb Chief, A Perfect Storm Full of Powerbombs, the Wet Hot American Powerbomb, Nobel Prize Winner for Powerbombing Excellence, the Powerbomb Laureate, Mr. Phillips' Wild Powerbomb Ride, the Padishah Emperor of Powerbombs, the Pontiff of Powerbomb Alley, the Picasso of Powerbomb, H. Powerbomb Sidcraft, Dr. Sidlove Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Powerbomb, Hatless Sam Fedora, The Powerbomb King First of His Powerbomb, the Anti Not-Getting-Powerbombed Equation, That Which Is Powerbombed Can Never Powerbomb, The Third Inevitability Which Is Not Death Or Taxes But Just More Powerbombs, The Man Who Drew 52 Cards And Those Cards Are All Powerbombs, the Prince of Powerbombay, Three Hundred Pounds Of Sensual Powerbombing Love, Time Magazine's Sexiest Powerbomb Alive, the God of Powerbombs, the Seraphic Powerbomb, Powerbomb Boy McCree, Master Bombaster First of His Name, the Assassination of Jesse James by the Powerbomb Sid Phillips, the Bio Page Breaking Powerbomb Boy, Rave Daddy Sasquatch, Big Lorenzo, Big Sid Energy, Hurrah! Another Powerbomb, Surely This One Will Be Better Than The Last; The Inexorable March of Progress Will Lead Us All To Powerbombs, Men Fear Him, Women Want To Be Him, Wait That's Pretty Weird Actually Nevermind Forget I Said Anything
First Name: Sidney
Last Name: Phillips
Date of Birth: 02/18/2002
Hometown: Phoenix, Arizona (by way of Powerbomb Alley)
Weight: 301 lbs. (or 2.6 powerbombs)
The son and second child of Daniel Phillips, the man who retired Joey Malone and the self-styled “King of the Cruiserweights”, here to carry on his father’s legacy in his own way. He has not yet powerbombed any celebrities.
I want you to look at this bio, see how many times the word "powerbomb" comes up, and figure out for yourself what this man is all about. Eventually, as time goes on, we'll slowly add more and more instances of the word into this bio until it's borderline unreadable. Like how "Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo" is an actual sentence. It'll be that but with powerbombs. Eventually, it'll stop registering as a word for you entirely. Eventually, you'll internalize the concept of powerbomb within yourself, becoming one with it, just as Sid has.
We are all powerbombs, in the end.
The earth itself rotates because one very swole man is constantly trying to powerbomb it into the sun. The Big Bang was simply the result of the biggest powerbomb in recorded history. Sid is merely the avatar. The very essence of the powerbomb distilled into a single man.
And so, let me introduce him to you...
He is Mr. Powerbomb, Esquire. He is Professor Powerbomb, here to show you the results of his research into the effects of the powerbomb on the human body. He's the Powerbomb Wizard, there has to be a twist. HE IS THE ONE WHO POWERBOMBS. If you gaze for long at the powerbomb, the powerbomb also gazes into you. His powerbombs bring all the boys to the yard, and they're like, "it's better than yours" and he's like "damn right, it's better than yours". He's never gonna give the powerbombs up, he's never gonna let them down, he's never gonna round around and desert them. Never bring a knife to a powerbomb fight. And why did the chicken cross the road? Because Sid powerbomb the shit out of that chicken. Just picked it up and leapt across the road and dunked that motherfucker like goddamn Vince Carter.
Theme Music: "Dead Man's Party" by Oingo Boingo
Setup Move PowerbombExactly what it says on the tin, my man. It's also every move he has except the one on the right, which is a fucking cryptid.
Finishing Move: The Exploding Cyclone Homicide DriverJumping, spinning Fire Thunder Driver
I could sit here and pretend that he does a lot of really cool and fancy moves.
But let's be real.
Sid Phillips only wants to do one thing, and it's powerbombs. Powerbombs all day. Powerbombs in the morning. Powerbombs at lunchtime. Powerbombs for suppertime. Powerbombs all night. If Sid could solve every single problem he ever has with a powerbomb, he would. If ever confronted with a scenario in which his powerbomb is not the best way of solving the problem, then he'll simply powerbomb it anyway.
Uh, but here's some other things you could use for big matches, I guess:
- Elbow smashes.
- "Double Reverse Quadruple Wheelbarrow Powerbomb" (Buckshot lariat)
- "Powerbombing himself" off of an apron onto his enemies.
- If you exist, he can powerbomb you.
- If you don't exist, he can powerbomb you anyway.
- If you're in a quantum state where you both exist and don't exist, he'll powerbomb you twice. Be one or the other. Being both is asking for more powerbombs.
- He can powerbomb you in the day.
- He can powerbomb you at night.
- He can powerbomb you out of space.
- He can powerbomb you from the Earth.
- He can powerbomb you to the Moon.
- He knows every powerbomb that exists.
- He knows every powerbomb that doesn't exist.
- He knows quantum powerbombs that exist only in theory but haven't been proven yet.
- Sometimes, he might feel frisky and powerbomb two of you at once.
- Look, we all know what Sid loves to do, and by god, he's going to do it.
- Hi, he's the powerbomb guy, doing powerbomb things. You all know what he wants to do. That's the problem!
- Inexperience. Sid is still in his second year professionally.
- The Exploding Cyclone Homicide Driver barely exists. It's a cryptid. It only exists when it is observed (or when Matt is writing the match, I guess).