Nickname: Riot, Mr. Powerbomb, Esq. Powerbomb Siddy, the Powerbomb Wizard. Professor Powerbomb, pHD, the Powerbomb out of Space, Nobel Prize Winner for Powerbombing Excellence, the Powerbomb Laureate, Mr. Phillips' Wild Powerbomb Ride, the Padishah Emperor of Powerbombs, the Pontiff of Powerbomb Alley, the Picasso of Powerbomb, H. Powerbomb Sidcraft, Dr. Sidlove Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Powerbomb
First Name: Sidney
Last Name: Phillips
Date of Birth: 02/18/2002
Hometown: Phoenix, Arizona (by way of Powerbomb Alley)
Weight: 291 lbs. (or 2.6 powerbombs)
The son and second child of Daniel Phillips, the man who retired Joey Malone and the self-styled “King of the Cruiserweights”, here to carry on his father’s legacy in his own way. He has not yet powerbombed any celebrities.
I want you to look at this bio, see how many times the word "powerbomb" comes up, and figure out for yourself what this man is all about. Eventually, as time goes on, we'll slowly add more and more instances of the word into this bio until it's borderline unreadable. Like how "Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo" is an actual sentence. It'll be that but with powerbombs. Eventually, it'll stop registering as a word for you entirely. Eventually, you'll internalize the concept of powerbomb within yourself, becoming one with it, just as Sid has.
We are all powerbombs, in the end.
The earth itself rotates because one very swole man is constantly trying to powerbomb it into the sun. The Big Bang was simply the result of the biggest powerbomb in recorded history. Sid is merely the avatar. The very essence of the powerbomb distilled into a single man.
And so, let me introduce him to you...
He is Mr. Powerbomb, Esquire. He is Professor Powerbomb, here to show you the results of his research into the effects of the powerbomb on the human body. He's the Powerbomb Wizard, there has to be a twist. HE IS THE ONE WHO POWERBOMBS. If you gaze for long at the powerbomb, the powerbomb also gazes into you. His powerbombs bring all the boys to the yard, and they're like, "it's better than yours" and he's like "damn right, it's better than yours". He's never gonna give the powerbombs up, he's never gonna let them down, he's never gonna round around and desert them. Never bring a knife to a powerbomb fight. And why did the chicken cross the road? Because Sid powerbomb the shit out of that chicken. Just picked it up and leapt across the road and dunked that motherfucker like goddamn Vince Carter.
Theme Music: "Dead Man's Party" by Oingo Boingo
Setup Move PowerbombExactly what it says on the tin, my man. It's also every move he has except the one on the right, which is a fucking cryptid.
Finishing Move: The Exploding Cyclone Homicide DriverJumping, spinning Fire Thunder Driver
...Okay, look. I could sit here and pretend that he does a lot of really cool and fancy moves.
But let's be real.
Sid Phillips only wants to do one thing, and it's powerbombs. Powerbombs all day. Powerbombs in the morning. Powerbombs at lunchtime. Powerbombs for suppertime. Powerbombs all night. If Sid could solve every single problem he ever has with a powerbomb, he would. If ever confronted with a scenario in which his powerbomb is not the best way of solving the problem, then he'll simply powerbomb it anyway.
He did, however, finally learn the humble elbow strike. So he's got that, I guess.
- If you exist, he can powerbomb you.
- If you don't exist, he can powerbomb you anyway.
- If you're in a quantum state where you both exist and don't exist, he'll powerbomb you twice.
- He can powerbomb you in the day.
- He can powerbomb you at night.
- He can powerbomb you out of space.
- He can powerbomb you from the Earth.
- He can powerbomb you to the Moon.
- He knows every powerbomb that exists.
- He knows every powerbomb that doesn't exist.
- Sometimes, he might feel frisky and powerbomb two of you at once.
- Look, we all know what Sid loves to do, and by god, he's going to do it.
- Hi, he's the powerbomb guy, doing powerbomb things. You all know what he wants to do. That's the problem!
- Inexperience. Sid is still in his second year professionally.
- The Exploding Cyclone Homicide Driver barely exists. It's a cryptid. It only exists when it is observed. Rumor has it that he did it once on pay-per-view. However, all replays show only static. Clearly.
"I'm all dressed up with nowhere to go..."
The beginning of Oingo Boingo's classic "Dead Man's Party" hits the PA system. Behind him, Joe Fontaine runs out in his bedazzled poncho while Sid Phillips simply marches out in his plain brown poncho with the calm of a man who only has one thing on his mind, and that is powerbombs. Following both of them is Coral Avalon, in his patchwork cloak. Joe raises his arms several times into the air to hype up the crowd, while Blackberry begins the walk to the ring.
Joe and Sid slide into the ring together, while Avalon climbs the steps. He stands to the hard camera and bangs his fists together, holding out his pinkie and ring fingers. To his left and right, Joe and Sid climb up the turnbuckles to raise their arms for the crowd.